DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

Your DH is completely under the thumb. He needs to sort himself and his unhealthy mummy relationship out. I'd be telling him so.

I would hazard a guess that many, many grandparents have never been on holiday with their grandparents - it’s not a right. And those that have, will have contributed in some way, especially if the adult child isn’t wealthy, as in op’s case. OP’s husband wants to ‘keep his mum happy’ as you put it, because he is guilted into doing so, not because he wants to. A person who has invited his parent on holiday because he’s been told they’ll die soon and he’s terrified of feeling guilty for the rest of his life, doesn’t have a good relationship with their parent.

*grandchildren.

can’t edit my post.

@SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus most 67 year olds I know have friends to go away with. And they don't emotionally blackmail dcs. Plus wouldn't dream of fleecing dcs for the whole holiday. She's taking the piss.

That’s leaving yourself open to them assuming that you are ok with going on holiday and paying for MIL every time.

People like this keep going till they get what they want. And then work on the premise that you have cracked and complied once then that means you will comply again and again
and they never give up

But it won’t be just once.

I think you have to look at the person and their actions. Wanting to go on holiday with her grandchildren. But doesn’t want to done with them every night, in fact wants her dil to baby sit dc whilst she goes out with her DS.

Everything she does, on its own doesn’t look dreadful.

But put it all together and add in her attitude to anyone who isn’t her DS and that when it starts to look creepy

@LushLemonTart LushLemonTart · Today 12:40

most 67 year olds I know have friends to go away with.

??? what's that got to do with anything?
She wants to go on holiday once with her GRANDCHILDREN that's the point. Not with her friends.

She's really not interested in her grandchildren. She wants to spend one-to-one time with her husband son

Weird. All sounds very weird. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner taking his mum out for a bloody date every week! She’s 67 ffs not 97. I can’t stand when some older people play the ‘oh I’m so old’ card when they’re clearly in good health and fit, just want to be pandered to. My MIL is like this, acts all feeble and decrepit when she’s only a couple of years older than my parents who do tons of childcare and other things for us and are up/out and about getting on with things.

It seems to me OP that you're the one going as the intended babysitter.

Send the husband and kids off for the family holiday with grandma and use that time to enjoy the life without your MIL. You know that homiday isnt really going to be good for you, right?

Tell hubby that you'll go on the next holiday without mummy dearest, leaving this trip for just him and the kids. A lovely time for them all to spend that quality time together.

Don't accept them going away and leaving you with the kids. #babysitter

You're a racist and a bully.
Calling me black when this pair has nothing to do with race.
Reported.

Its not bloody racist, they have no idea what colour you are

Oh dear god! 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

She must've looked at my other threads and saw I wasn't fully white so, used that disgusting phrase that's used to let black / non white people know black/ brown is not a good colour to be.
Anyway, are you the same poster, name changed? How do you know what she does and doesn't know?!

Don't be daft
Its a well known phrase and is not in the least related to race.
Still, if you have reported I suppose its up to MNHQ to decide

She's 67 and still working. She isn't a frail old lady. She insists on going out with her son for weekly dinners without the OP (which OP's DH pays for) and is expecting OP's family to pay for her flights, accommodation and spending money. She sounds like a Freudian nightmare.

You probably think the spade phrase is ok too?!

Assuming you are being serious you are starting to sound a bit unhinged.
Lets see if MNHQ believe that poster was being racist and delete their comment shall we?

You're clearly the unhinged one if you think it's acceptable to use phrases that demonise the colour black.
MNHQ isn't God.
If they delete then they're decent people.
If they don't - well the summer riots told me all I need to know about what people really think and will do, if they can get away with it!

Honestly, I’m with you @FussyFusspott , I also think it’s ridiculous that you have to pay for her , I would be absolutely mortified if this was my adult child and I was asking them for money. I’ve had a little bit of a similar situation with my mil but years ago when we were students (yes really) and young parents , just needy and expecting us to pay and do absolutely everything for her but she has had absolutely no concept of being an adult or taking responsibility ever . That’s been her entire life story as she’s a “hippy “, it was just take , take.
Funnily enough as our 3 kids got older and higher energy and have more vocal input she’s backed off completely as I think she finds them so exhausting to be around now (she’s never helped us with our kids ) but has moved on to other people to help her like neighbours etc. We live abroad now and our daughters don’t have a relationship. It was all take , take anyway in a time when we needed help.
I think it is cheeky as fck to leave you out on a meal you are paying for!!

Its a well known phrase and is not in the least related to race.

This thread is unbelievable. It's gone from a question about a holiday to allegations of enmeshment and incest to now a racial dispute.

What was the well known phrase not related to race? Don't repeat it as its been deleted but can you give me a hint as I can't quite see how this took such a sharp turn.

Wrong thread 😂

Can't say for obvious reasons but it involved kitchen equipment
If is upset that poster so much I suppose its right its gone but I doubt that was the intention as I have never heard it used in relation to a persons colour before

Honestly, I’m with you ** , I also think it’s ridiculous that you have to pay for her , I would be absolutely mortified if this was my adult child and I was asking them for money! I’ve had a little bit of a similar situation with my mil but years ago when we were students (yes really) and young parents , just needy and expecting us to pay and do absolutely everything for her but she has had absolutely no concept of being an adult or taking responsibility ever . That’s been her entire life story as she’s a “hippy “, it was just take , take.
Funnily enough as our 3 kids got older and higher energy and have more vocal input she’s backed off completely as I think she finds them so exhausting to be around now (she’s never helped us with our kids ) but has moved on to other people to help her like neighbours etc. We live abroad now and our daughters don’t have a relationship. It was all take , take anyway in a time when we needed help.

This, and a bottle of wine! Enjoy