DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

Omg welcome to the can't read the comment string club. How many more of you want to join it?

Go and look at the start of the quotes, see the comment from the person who says close same sex paren/child relationships are good and opposite sex ones are covert incest, then maybe you will see why we have such mocking tone to It in response.

Do people even realise that posters reply to other comments that aren't the OPs?

I was going to the same thing! Wonder how OP will feel when the shoe is on the other foot! Let it be! She won’t be around forever… no mention of your family either.,. You bitter spending time/money on your family?

I would just go along with it. Make sure you husband knows its just this holiday she will come on.

She would very much likely not do the same since she knows how it feels.

I have gone out to meals alone with my parents and my in-laws, and alone with my MIL.

We sometimes pay separately, we sometimes treat them and they treat us.

The difference from OP’s situation is that we don’t expect or demand anyone to spend money they don’t have or to do something they cannot afford! Our parents don’t demand to be taken on holiday and/or assume we have an endless amount of money to give them because they themselves choose to be bad with money.

If it was an adult child demanding a holiday from parents who couldn’t afford it and was bad with money, doubt many of you would think it acceptable.

That’s extremely unkind, very “ugly” way you’re acting.

You do realise that people don’t have to pick parents over partners? They can have a good relationship with each.

Well said! 👏👏
Too many posters are acting like the OP begrudges every second her DH spends with his mother. She doesn't, even though it costs quite a bit to eat out once a week. I wonder how often the DH takes OP out, just the two of them?

Some of the excuses and rationalizations here have been mind-boggling at best. OP's MIL IS using her son as her "plus one" and it is a bit creepy. The wedding thing was disturbing. OP's DH stayed by his mummy, leaving OP out of the picture. That gives me the ick.

I think I'd be splitting up tbh but then I wouldn't have married someone like this in the first place. How do you even find him attractive? The overall impression I get from your posts feels almost borderline incestuous. Like they're the couple and you and the kids are the extended family. Gives me the ick.

But aside from that, fuck no would I be pushed out on my own holiday! I think he needs to hear some hard truths and start considering your feelings and it needs to be absolutely clear to your MIL that she needs to pay her way for meals and bring her own spending money or she doesn't come. She can't expect a young family with tight finances to completely pay for her.

Oh, really? I had no idea? HHhmmmmm.....I guess sharing our lives with our parents for 46 years must have just slipped my mind.........go figure.

As for ugly, insulting someone's DH and themselves because you disagree with them is the very definition of ugly. That is what that poster did, and I will not tolerate that disrespect from some 👹

I'm not as old as you so I don't have in laws.
You're really bitter and sound unhinged yourself.

Two wrongs don’t make it right!

You seem very very angry.

Since that is not what @pikkumyy77 said, AT ALL, not sure why you feel the need to reach out and change what they said.

You can comment on whatever you like. When you try and change the context, meaning and point of the comment, you might get called on it. Like here.

I would be really concerned that if you agree to her joining you on holiday once it will then become an annual occurrence. You need to be really careful with this to manage expectations. If he wants her to come because he is worried about her dying that isn't going to change next time she asks to come.

You're a keyboard warrior only.
Hiding behind anonymity gives you a chance to write things you will never be able to say in real life.
So sad.

His mother sounds very manipulative and needy. If you're happy to spend one evening without your DH but looking after your kids alone on your holiday, which you have paid towards then go for it. But I wonder will this set a precedent for future trips? when possibly in the future on further holidays those evenings might be suggested as 2 or 3 nights rather than 1? Question I would ask MIL is why does she not want you there? What can't she discuss whilst you are present? why is she uncomfortable with your presence? Put these questions to her via DH or directly to her face and let her know you find it hurtful that she wants to offload your company - maybe she will see how her actions are unreasonable and downright rude?! As for your DH, tell him you don't see why he should benefit from a childfree meal out but you don't - you're not a single parent, so shouldn't be treated as such. Gotta set some boundaries, no matter how long MIL has been getting away with her nonsense.

Spot on!!

Did they say a close SAME SEX relationship was good? And the examples of covert incest was only OPPOSITE sex relationships?

So if same sex - Mum and Daughter, Dad and Son have a close relationship that's good. But if it's Mum and Son or Dad and Daughter it's an enmeshment called covert incest.

That's exactly what they said.

So yes, my question to them was very valid as I don't have children of the same sex to me, so it won't be a good thing to have a close relationship with them, but if they were female, it would be good thing.

Here is what she said, adding to emphasize words as needed:

@pikkumyy77 "An adult having a close same sex relationship with a parent is really GENERALLY a good thing. But THIS KIND of mother/son father/daughter enmeshment is OFTEN a form of “covert incest” or spousification and it CAN BE very damaging to the adult child’s marriage."

Note the words: GENERALLY, means not always, but most of the time.
THIS KIND, meaning this exact, same dynamic where the parent expects their child to be their plus one, their date, to the exclusion of the child's spouse.
OFTEN, not every time but happens enough to be aware of it.
CAN BE, not "will be", though I cannot imagine a scenario where it would not damage a marriage.

Three people in a marriage is one too many, unless all parties are on the same page.

The fact they separated it into same sex and opposite sex is the key point here.
There's plenty of accounts out there of how a mum/daughter relationship is seen as extremely enmeshed. This poster clearly separated the sexes into same sex good and opposite sex being a "kind of dynamic" at no point did this poster indicate a same sex dynamic like this being bad and a close opposite sex being good.

If they had said that any parent/offspring relationship that seemed heavily reliant on one another wasn't a good thing, that's a whole different statement.

This poster clearly separates it by the sexes involved.

For their own sins……blimey you really are going OTT!

"DH. In future you either go on holiday with the kids and I or you go on holiday with your mother alone and the kids and I will holiday separately from you. You are treating your mother as though she is your wife and it's wrong. Please look at mother/son enmeshed relationships because that's what you have. We need to go and see a therapist that specialises in this because it's going to severely, negatively impact our marriage. You are in no way, shape or form responsible for your mother's emotional satisfaction. If she needs to be entertained then she needs to get a hobby"

I literally do not know anyone who takes either a mother or a father out for dinner at least twice a month at their expense. It's bonkers! Why should any parent of an adult expect to be "wined and dined once a week"???

Again 'wined and dined' is OP's perjorative language not the MIL. It's lovely to spend time with your parents. I like it. I like spending time with either parent whether that is going out for dinner or at their house. Twice a month is once every couple of weeks and that speaks of a nice and close relationship. It's not like its every night or she's truly intruding.

Like I said it depends on your attitude. If you are in a 'its her or me' dynamic this will be a conflict point. If you are more relaxed and secure in your relationships both with your partner and your own parents then you wouldn't mind it. This sort of thing is at the root of much DIL/MIL friction. As @Mamabobogo says, it is possible to have good relationships with both of them but not if the DIL is setting up little 'pick me over her' tests all the time. Let her have dinner with him on holiday instead of making in to 'I'm not allowing it so pick my wishes over hers' test.

In future you either go on holiday with the kids and I or you go on holiday with your mother alone and the kids and I will holiday separately from you

@Mamasperspective What?? 'in future you either' ???

Did you read the OP's post? This poor MIL has NEVER been on holiday with her grandchildren despite as per the OP

"She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies"."

The oldest is 7. 7 years she's wanted to do this but never has.

The OP has said:

DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once

We are looking at a once in a life time thing (MIL going on holiday with them and her GC) and the DH having one dinner with the MIL (who the OP obviously doesn't reall like).

The backstory doesn't really make much difference here - because this is one holiday and one dinner. What is going on is the OP is consumed with perceived resentment towards the MIL and its colouring her approach.

The attitude of some people here is bizarre - enmeshment (such a "I've had therapy" word), Oedipus etc. Better someone who cares for his mother,wants to take her out for dinner, wants to keep her happy than a shit who doesn't give a stuff.