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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

574 replies

FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:49

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Remaker · 07/10/2024 23:10

FussyFusspott · 07/10/2024 09:10

Catching up on replies.

@Remaker the wedding situation was that DH and I were talking to the the mother of the bride and he was looking over his shoulder anxiously looking around for his mother, then excused himself from the conversation and went to spend the whole drinks reception sitting with his mum whilst I either spoke to other people without him or went to sit with them. I wasn't explicitly excluded but it didn't feel like we were there as a couple, even if his mum had been with us chatting that would have been fine but they sat in a corner together. Things like that have started to grate.

As mumsnet is so fond of saying, you’ve a DH problem.

I don’t think a resolution is to be found in putting your foot down and insisting on new ways of doing things. Your DH needs some support to change lifelong beliefs and behaviours. It’s not logical to be genuinely worried that a healthy 60-something is about to drop dead merely because they say so. He needs to get a firmer grip on reality and recognise the signs of manipulation. Would he be open to speaking to a counsellor or psychologist? I would definitely have a conversation about what will happen when she becomes more frail or experiences ill health. If this is how he is responding to her now he is likely to go into a full blown panic when she has a genuine health crisis and you will really have trouble reasoning with him.

ElatedPlumBeaker · 07/10/2024 23:12

Waffle19 · 07/10/2024 04:29

Nope and you’re also not allowed to go out for dinner alone with them according to most of the people on this post, can’t believe how ridiculous some of them are being!

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Nope stop twisting people's words no one said a mother can NEVER go out to dinner alone with her son but there is a huge difference between that and routinely excluding his wife. When it becomes a pattern of exclusion which once a week/every other week is pretty darn often it becomes a problem.

Ellie56 · 07/10/2024 23:12

SwingTheMonkey · 06/10/2024 21:00

Absolutely fucking nuts. I don’t go on holiday to sit on my own in the accommodation while my husband dates his mother. Weird as fuck.

Quite agree.

Is your husband called Oedipus?

I wouldn't be agreeing to her coming on holiday at all and if she did she'd be paying her way and we'd all be going out to dinner as a family.

As PP said you've got a DH problem.

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:15

Tink3rbell30 · 07/10/2024 00:05

Of course it's fine to have a meal with just his mother.

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As often as he does? And to expect his wife to sit in minding the kids while they go off and spend family money on a lovely dinner out? Just no!

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:29

Waffle19 · 07/10/2024 04:29

Nope and you’re also not allowed to go out for dinner alone with them according to most of the people on this post, can’t believe how ridiculous some of them are being!

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I think you are the one being ridiculous because it's clear that you haven't understood the context!

NOT ONE POSTER has said "you're never allowed to go out for dinner alone with them", not a single one. So please don't make shit up.

This husband is excluding his wife for the sake of his mother, and while I am sure hell would freeze over before you would admit it, I am pretty damn sure you wouldn't put up with this shite either - while he funds his mother's extravagant tastes!

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:30

Bearbookagainandagain · 07/10/2024 06:17

Whatever your husband says, your MIL is not "childcare". Neither are you, you should know better.

Them going out for dinner 1 night during the holidays is fine. Surely she will reciprocate, and so will your husband on another occasion right?

The only real issue is that you don't want her to at all, so that's probably the point you need to address. You don't seem really nice to her given your dislike for her, there is no point taken her on holiday with you of it's too make everyone's time difficult sulking...

Would you feel like being nice to someone who actively excludes you and takes advantage financially? I sure as hell wouldn't!

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:35

Demonhunter · 07/10/2024 08:32

When my dad was still alive, he loved going to see tribute acts for bands like The Rolling Stones and The Kinks. My mam wasn't keen so either me or my sis would go with him. That must've been scandalous 😂

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That is completely and utterly different to the situation the OP has described!!

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:38

FussyFusspott · 07/10/2024 09:10

Catching up on replies.

@Remaker the wedding situation was that DH and I were talking to the the mother of the bride and he was looking over his shoulder anxiously looking around for his mother, then excused himself from the conversation and went to spend the whole drinks reception sitting with his mum whilst I either spoke to other people without him or went to sit with them. I wasn't explicitly excluded but it didn't feel like we were there as a couple, even if his mum had been with us chatting that would have been fine but they sat in a corner together. Things like that have started to grate.

I don't blame you one bit!! My husband has a propensity to go off and chat to randoms leaving me sitting there like a lemon, and it really fucking pisses me off!!

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:44

TorroFerney · 07/10/2024 10:18

I think if you’ve not grown up or had experience of an enmeshed parent it must seem like the op is being horrible, but to those of us who have had to take the place of our mothers partner we know it’s not right , but may not have always known it and would have loved mumsnet to help us realise.

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I don't think the OP is being horrible at all. I think the MIL is making excessive demands of her married son, who is the father of two children, by expecting him to continually wine and dine her at his expense!

My mum lost my dad when she was dealing with her own terminal cancer diagnosis. She didn't get on like that!!

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:44

FussyFusspott · 07/10/2024 09:17

@Mummyoflittledragon

We couldn't all go as one big family unit with my family as my parents can't stand her. It's well hidden but would make an extended period of time spent together difficult.

Your parents can see right through her, can't they!

Runnerinthenight · 07/10/2024 23:47

SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus · 07/10/2024 12:18

@CovertPiggery

Being a mother doesn't mean you get to demand that your child and their spouse pay for you to go on holiday!

I'm not saying it does at all. I never said that in my post. What I am saying is that people come with their own very biased agenda to questions like this - based purely on how they feel about their own mothers, MIL and own experiences. There is very little objective advice.

What I am saying is that for me, I'd cheerfully pay for my mother to come on holiday with me because I'm working and have a continuing income, she's not and I love her. She wouldn't have to 'demand it' but if she did I wouldn't have a problem with it. I also wouldn't have a problem with MIL I didn't particularly like either because I feel willing to pay for and have my own mother on holiday, I wouldn't be obstructive to my DH who might want the same thing.

For another person, who doesn't particularly like their mother or their MIL, they will have a different attitude.

The people who detest their own mothers or MIL would throw their hands up in horror at the entitlement of the MIL, the unreasonable DH and the terrible idea he might want dinner alone with his MIL.

The people who love their own mothers or MIL would be fine with all of it.

That's all I'm saying. A bit of understanding of another person's Point of View is no bad thing. It's usually easier and less painful for everyone for one person to tolerate something they aren't keen on for a short period than it is to block the whole thing and upset 2 other people and cause bad feeling all round. I come at this from the point of view of someone who has a very close relationship though.

Totally different situation and dynamic.

Tiredofallthis101 · 07/10/2024 23:48

No way would I accept this. No way. If MIL wanted to come that much she could save up like anyone else. She is not prioriaing saving for the trip ergo she cant come - if it was that important to her shed save up. I'd say to him of course she can come but she pays. Ask him if he'd be OK paying for your parents, and you excluding him? Ask if he'd think when your DC are older they should each take him out on holiday and ditch their spouse? I also genuinely think he needs therapy, it's clear they have a very unhealthy dynamic he needs to break free from. Remind him it isn't his money to spend it's family money, and by spending on his mother you can't spend it on your kids.

WhiteJasmin · 07/10/2024 23:59

There are so many people attacking my post about my relationship with my parents and MIL that I won't reply individually.

My parents sacrificed a lot to raise me, doing multiple jobs to afford my education and extra curricular that enabled me to have the opportunities I have in life. If I can afford to take them on holidays while they are able and leave wonderful memories, I would proudly do that. Same goes for my DH.

I think it is ridiculous to say DH can talk to the wife for everything. There are things I would say to mother's group from a perspective I won't say to my DH. Same story can be said differently to different groups. Friends, parents, professional therapist etc. If having spouse is enough, then there is no need to have friends and mother's group. When I spend alone time with my parents we talk about family friends, what they need help with etc. there are things parents might feel comfortable talking to their own kids about without involving partners.

I don't think MIL needs to insert herself to everything but I respect my DH if he wants to spend some time and take care of his mother so long as there's balance and can find the time. Just as he respects me wanting to spend time with mine. I take my MIL out for lunches too. The relationship is harmonious and judging by the posts here is not common.

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:05

SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus · 07/10/2024 12:42

The relationship described by op is an extremely dysfunctional parent/child relationship.

I think it comes with the OPs skewed view of it though. She uses language like 'expects to be wined and dined once a week' (such a loaded turn of phrase for a dinner with a parent and son - but it's OPs words and its how she sees it - like its a date) when in fact it turns out he has dinner with his mother twice a month. I think that is fine myself because I think its fine to want to spend time, even regular time, alone with your mother whether you are a man or a woman. People see what they want to see and I'd apply that to me too because I am a human.

This is my basic point. If you are looking for dysfunction and that's your background you see it. If you are not from that world, you don't see it and see love and closeness.

Nah, it's perfectly clear the OP's view is not "skewed" at all!!

I literally do not know anyone who takes either a mother or a father out for dinner at least twice a month at their expense. It's bonkers! Why should any parent of an adult expect to be "wined and dined once a week"??? I have three adult children, and I certainly don't expect that - they are at different stages of their lives and it's me supporting them mostly rather than the other way around!

There's dysfunction here, no doubt about it! If you think this is "love and closeness" then you are the one with the skewed view of life!

Would you really guilt trip your children by constantly going on about your imminent demise?

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:19

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 12:51

Wouldn’t bother me at all. It was quite normal to take granny on holiday when our kids were small and our adult daughter invites us with her family.

Entirely different scenario though!

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:20

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 13:01

No she didn’t say that (neither did OP’s MIL, her husband did). We used to pay for my mum. My husband didn’t come (he is disabled and wasn’t up to physical things that the kids enjoyed).

OP's MIL absolutely did.

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:21

Boredlass · 07/10/2024 13:14

There is nothing wrong with him going for dinner with his mum for one night. I expect the posters who think it’s weird don’t have good relationships with their MIL. I think it’s lovely personally.

Did you even read the thread?

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:23

Mamabobogo · 07/10/2024 18:40

I really don’t tho k that’s unreasonable, I think it’s lovely.

I also feel that if it were mother and daughter, others would find it more acceptable.

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Just no.

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:36

laraitopbanana · 07/10/2024 19:20

@Mamabobogo absolutely. Mother daughter and everyone will be : oh you have a fab relationship! Your dh will be well happy with the telly once children are in bed. Go enjoy your mom.

but it isn’t mother daughter. It is mother son, so dynamics change and mil needs to have less if dil feels left out. Balance needs to be found where it is needed and noone can tell the op how she should feel, just maybe that it is ok to feel like that and that she can do a), b) or c) about it.

MIL looks like the hardest job after Mother honestly!!!

Bollocks. You haven't even begun to understand the dynamic here.

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:40

Choochoo21 · 07/10/2024 19:33

He sounds like a lovely man.

He has a close relationship with his mum and that’s never a bad thing.

There’s nothing wrong with going for dinner with his mum, just like it wouldn’t be if it was a friend.

I too would be looking out for my mum if she was on her own at a wedding.

You knew he had a close relationship with his mum and chose to stay.

You seem very jealous of her.

If this is going to irritate you so much then why not suggest he takes her away for the weekend just the 2 of them?

Is that really what you took from this post?? OMG!!

I think the OP is an actual saint for putting up with this shite for so long!! Definitely not jealous!!!

In fact, the more I read the more I think she should let her MIL have him back!!!

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:45

I often despair of human nature. Reading some of the responses here is one of those times.

Mamabobogo · 08/10/2024 00:46

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 00:23

Just no.

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Just yes

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 01:47

Mamabobogo · 08/10/2024 00:46

Just yes

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Bollocks.

gettingolderbutcooler · 08/10/2024 01:56

Sorry but he brings to mind David Walliams saying 'Bittee'....

Mamabobogo · 08/10/2024 02:34

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2024 01:47

Bollocks.

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Great argument! You almost changed my viewpoint!