DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

It just sounds like your family and his family background is very different and you are finding it difficult to see your husband's actions as normal.

Your MIL is by herself so by default she will need more support than your parent's side if they are still together. That's just the nature of it unfortunately in terms of your DH might feel like he needs to do regular check ins.

I encourage my husband to spend time with his mum (going out for meals or coffee). Like sometimes it's just nice having alone time with the parents so you can talk about things you might not with others around and feel comfortable for a mental health check. Likewise I enjoy spending alone time with mine and my husband wouldn't find it weird. My MIL in puts effort in checking in on me and her grandchildren.

I don't think it is unreasonable for his mother to want a holiday with her son and grandkids. If she can't afford it, it's unfortunate but she's elderly and it's a really nice thing we can do for parents to leave them with good memories while they are still able. It's just about balance on holiday. She can have one meal alone with her son, you get a meal with your DH while she cares for the kids. Not a big deal.

Generally it feels like the role of MIL is rough. No one questions it if this is mother and daughter wanting a night out during a holiday, brunches or spa.

Sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship for a parent and child if you ask me. Sounds almost incestuous.

@WhiteJasmin are you the Mil?

She probably could afford it if she saved her money like most people do and not expect her son to take away from his own family to fund a holiday for her.

Also, when did 67 become elderly??

People would question it regardless of gender or relation if a spouse was taking money away from their family and giving and spending it on someone who is bad with money when they can’t really afford it.

I am so glad I don’t have a MIL this bad. I don’t like my MIL but if she was like that I’d be gone!

Sounds weird but actually I'd enjoy a night or 2 on my own with the kids.
You decide!

You say a flat NO. All meals All together All the time! Far more normal and much better for everyone. Tell him not to he such a wet sponge.

This. 😂

I had this mil . She hated being a widow and was obsessed with holidays. Always very angry when we went on holiday . I decided I could cope with once every three years ( as she had three children) as my DH always felt dreadfully sorry for her. She did pay for her flights but my god her bar bills ! which always seemed to go under DH's name. She was always demanding attention- the shower wouldn’t work or the tv if she was on her own. She insisted on being taken gambling in Las Vegas( we were stopping overnight there) did everything she could to delay us going out on promised night for our anniversary and unforgivably imo she insisted on watching a strip show on tv 'because she was curious' when she was babysitting the children and the sexuality of it did bother them. Knowing what I know now I would have dug my heels in and said no.
be warned.

My DH is an only child and really close to his mum. My MIL is lovely and has adopted me as well. Never get any weird vibe as I get when reading your OP. She comes with us on holidays because we ask her, she would never ever ask herself! And we have to tell her that we really want her there because she doesn't want to intrude on us. Great with the kids as well who love her to bits. Your MIL sounds horrible and the relationship with her son seems unhealthy.

You need to go to couples counselling !

This was life changing for my dh.

He needed a complete stranger who didn't know his mother to tell him he was emeshed & give him coping strategies to deal with her. She opened his eyes make him see what his mum was doing & how abnormal it all was.

It was life changing for our marriage. He now sees how his mother treated me affected our marriage.

He still has contact but it's limited & on his terms

You have to pay for her holiday but you are not welcome on a meal out with them? That is awful!

My husband would be equally upset if I suggested that not only should he pay for my mother to go on an all expenses paid holiday, but that one evening he could spend the evening sitting in the hotel room, because I was going out with my mum. My husband and I go on holiday to spend quality time together, not to spend evenings apart.

People often live to 100 years old, that could be 30 years of holidays, as she is so demanding because if you allow one the others will follow with her playing the same tune.
You did say she lives in an expensive area, too expensive for you to live in. If she can’t pay a minimum sum why is she insisting you and your husband to pay for her, surely she has a pension, maintenance or even she can still work to help pay?

Elderly? Ffs. She’s 67 and has evidently been on her own for years. She could have changed that and built herself an independent life with friends, hobbies and perhaps a partner. But she hasn’t because she’s got a ready made ‘partner’ in her mummy’s boy son.

And plenty of people would question a similar relationship between a mother and daughter. It’s utterly dysfunctional.

It’s the amount of time and it’s definitely not normal for her to expect to be taken out alone when her son is on holiday with his family!

If I didn’t go on holiday very often for financial reasons and this would be my only annual holiday, I wouldn’t be happy at all with having to fork out extra for a MIL who sounds selfish, manipulative and entitled. The whole suggestion would result in a hard no from me. I wouldn’t have let it get this far tbh and it sounds as though it’s only going to get worse after this holiday.
Has the holiday been booked yet? If it hasn't, I’d be telling MIL “Sorry, we’ve done the sums and we actually can’t afford it. Maybe in a couple of years time when we’ve ALL had a chance to save a bit.”
if you’ve only paid a deposit (depending on how much) I’d say the same and suck up the loss.
if it’s all paid for, I’d be laying down some ‘guidelines’ about all eating together every night and sharing the costs, because from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like there’ll be many offers of childcare of an evening.

He sounds like a lovely man.

And he sounds like a pretty dire husband and father.

A close relationship is good. A relationship that is prioritised to the detriment of his wife and children - not so good.

@FussyFusspott Have you had a conversation with your husband about your marital expectations and the level of participation you are happy for his mother to have? How did it go?

I had a really bad start with my MIL. Could barely look at her for years without feeling a bit murderous. I think that is in part the context. If you had a good relationship you would probably be encouraging him to look after her and spend time with her.

Saying she thinks she’ll die soon is just emotional manipulation and not a nice thing to be saying.

My guess is she is needy and a bit manipulative and it annoys you because you can see what she is about. However, I would play the longer game, support their relationship, don’t turn it into a competition and you’ll feel a lot better if nothing else. Set a good example for your children and be the amazing, beloved wife and Mother. That’s really how you “win” in the end.

Your husband prefers his mother's company to yours - that's all I'm getting from your replies to me.

A mental health check? Who said anything about OP's DH is having mental health issues? Although come to think of it he just might have mental health issues due to his mother having this extremely unhealthy hold on him and promoting this enmeshed relationship with her son and shutting out his wife in the process. I would bet all my life savings that MIL set up this precedent with her son from a very young age that he is responsible for her happiness and to fulfill every need in her life. He probably doesn't know any other different due to years of being programmed by his mother.

Also I would expect my husband to feel the most comfortable talking to me about mental health issues he may be possibly having first and foremost as his wife and his closest family member. If the man I am married to feels more comfortable going to his mother over me his own wife to confide in and doesn't feel comfortable confiding in me I would think we have major communication and trust issues in our marriage that we need to work through. Because what grown married man runs to their mother with mental health issues or any other personal issues instead of talking through them with his wife. So if you are correct and this is indeed the case with OP's DH then the MIL issue is the least of her worries that is just the symptom of a larger problem which is why is her DH still acting like a little boy and filling a little boy role in his mom's life instead of working things out with his wife. Also super weird that any issues he has will automatically affect his wife more than anyone considering they are married, live together, and share a life together. They will definitely have more of an affect on the wife's day to day life than his mother's.

Also yes spending money on his mother at a restaurant once every week where his wife isn't even invited is screaming enmeshment and is shutting his wife out. I would think it would be a lot to sacrifice family time by going out to eat once every single week where I am funding the dinner with MIL even IF I was invited let alone if I as his wife wasn't even invited. That's a lot of attention and time he is dedicating to his mother in comparison to his own wife and child! I'm sure one of them works outside the home therefore probably don't get much family time together yet the one portion of the day that is usually used for family time his wife and child is shut out from? It's like he is with his mother part time and his wife and child part time. That shouldn't be the case at all. Your wife and child should absolutely be given the majority of your time and should be included as well. Also super weird that MIL doesn't even wanna bond with her GC. Don't you think she would want to use all these dinner opportunities to see and bond with her GC?

I also find it very telling the verbiage you use of his mother would like a holiday with her son and GC yet you fail to include any mention of with her DIL in that? So what is the DIL just the incubator for MIL's grandchildren? Does she not matter in her own immediate family as well? So only the son and GC matter to MIL? MIL shouldn't separate them like that her son is married and his family encompasses his child AND his wife. It should be about spending time with son, GC, and DIL. You also mention she can have one meal alone with her son yes she gets that once every freaking week. This is a FAMILY holiday so things should be done as a family.

Because he is basically dating her. She is his affair partner.

Namechange for one post. Why will become obvious.
The truth is that when she dies you will cop the blame for "keeping me from seeing mum" no matter what you do now because all he will remember, when it come time, are the times his desperately lonely wonderful sainted mother whinged at him about him not being with her because of "her", meaning you.
It does not matter how decent you've been about him spending on her and visiting her, those past echoes will twist in his thinking, strangling anything positive you ever did into nothing, and you will become something nasty that you never were.

I speak from bitter personal experience and witnessing it in other relationships too.

In my own case, once MIL was out of the picture, his elder sister took her fucking place (right at the funeral) and that was way worse because his sister was fucking sick (yes, in the gross way you might be imagining). Sister tried to turn DH against me and get him to move into her house because she was "in love" with him. 🤮🤮🤮
It was so bad we had to disappear to stop her stalking him by parking outside, calling and banging on the door. At least you won't have a replacement to deal as he's the only child.

Just let him and mil go with the children and enjoy a week of peace.