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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

574 replies

FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:49

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CovertPiggery · 07/10/2024 18:22

SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus · 07/10/2024 12:18

@CovertPiggery

Being a mother doesn't mean you get to demand that your child and their spouse pay for you to go on holiday!

I'm not saying it does at all. I never said that in my post. What I am saying is that people come with their own very biased agenda to questions like this - based purely on how they feel about their own mothers, MIL and own experiences. There is very little objective advice.

What I am saying is that for me, I'd cheerfully pay for my mother to come on holiday with me because I'm working and have a continuing income, she's not and I love her. She wouldn't have to 'demand it' but if she did I wouldn't have a problem with it. I also wouldn't have a problem with MIL I didn't particularly like either because I feel willing to pay for and have my own mother on holiday, I wouldn't be obstructive to my DH who might want the same thing.

For another person, who doesn't particularly like their mother or their MIL, they will have a different attitude.

The people who detest their own mothers or MIL would throw their hands up in horror at the entitlement of the MIL, the unreasonable DH and the terrible idea he might want dinner alone with his MIL.

The people who love their own mothers or MIL would be fine with all of it.

That's all I'm saying. A bit of understanding of another person's Point of View is no bad thing. It's usually easier and less painful for everyone for one person to tolerate something they aren't keen on for a short period than it is to block the whole thing and upset 2 other people and cause bad feeling all round. I come at this from the point of view of someone who has a very close relationship though.

I love my MIL and my mother. I can still see that demanding your child and their spouse pay for your holiday and spending money is a pisstake.

Thankfully, neither my MIL nor my mother would do that as they are both lovely, kind people.

Ilovetravelling · 07/10/2024 18:23

Are you sure its his mother he is taking ou? Maybe the MIL knows his dirty little secret & is demanding things from him to keep quiet.

CovertPiggery · 07/10/2024 18:24

DeedlessIndeed · 07/10/2024 16:28

For me, it would be different if DH prioritised me e.g. took me for dinners AT ALL.

The fact MIL gets regularly treated, but there isn't enough cash for DH to treat his wife is a sure fire way to build resentment!

I'd missed that.

How ridiculous.

A double no for the holiday.

needsomewarmsunshine · 07/10/2024 18:34

Oepidius complex comes to mind without the sex. Why are you still with him OP? He might be better living with his mum.

Whatinthedoopla · 07/10/2024 18:39

It's strange because it is a family holiday, and you are therefore paying for him to have time off with his mum (as you are paying also for the holiday).

Time alone is great with his mum, but not during a family holiday, unless of course you have decided to also take time for yourself, such as a massage or something.

Mamabobogo · 07/10/2024 18:40

FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 21:07

@OolongTeaDrinker they spend time together at least once a week - sometimes a quick coffee but regularly dinners out together. I don't object to that. I feel weird about them doing it on holiday whilst I'm not invited though and sitting in the hotel room.

I really don’t tho k that’s unreasonable, I think it’s lovely.

I also feel that if it were mother and daughter, others would find it more acceptable.

CautiousLurker · 07/10/2024 18:43

Mamabobogo · 07/10/2024 18:40

I really don’t tho k that’s unreasonable, I think it’s lovely.

I also feel that if it were mother and daughter, others would find it more acceptable.

Show quote history

I’m not sure they would - it would indicate the daughter hasn’t separated from mother either and would have huge implications for any spouse.

Closeness is fine, co-dependence is not. Regardless of the sex of the child in the mother/child dyad.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 07/10/2024 18:43

I think your husband is being a wonderful son, of course she loves him more than she loves you but referring to it as date is bloody weird. Make sure you get your dinner out before hers otherwise she might become too ill when it’s your turn 😒

Mamabobogo · 07/10/2024 18:50

CautiousLurker · 07/10/2024 18:43

I’m not sure they would - it would indicate the daughter hasn’t separated from mother either and would have huge implications for any spouse.

Closeness is fine, co-dependence is not. Regardless of the sex of the child in the mother/child dyad.

Show quote history

I don’t think so.

Pinkrinse · 07/10/2024 18:54

FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:59

@mrsm43s no because we are paying for her to come under the guise that her contribution is childcare - also wouldn't most parents of adult children try to help them facilitate some time together as a couple, not actively cause that not to happen?

If I ever went on holiday with my children and their children, I would expect to baby sit quite a few evenings whilst they went out. I would also be offering to look after the children during the day, and would take myself off, to allow the family to have time on their own. I think she’s far too needy and needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet!

SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus · 07/10/2024 18:57

I’m not sure they would - it would indicate the daughter hasn’t separated from mother either and would have huge implications for any spouse.
🙄

DuskMoon · 07/10/2024 18:58

This gives me the ick.

CovertPiggery · 07/10/2024 19:05

Mamabobogo · 07/10/2024 18:40

I really don’t tho k that’s unreasonable, I think it’s lovely.

I also feel that if it were mother and daughter, others would find it more acceptable.

Show quote history

I remember a thread where the poster's husband was annoyed at having to see his in laws so often - once a week when the MIL was providing free childcare and then once a week when the FIL was proving free renovations for their house. He wanted all the free help, but was annoyed about them being there too.

The OP would also want to see her parents for socialising sometimes not just when they were doing stuff for them.

The OP was ripped to shreds for her closeness with her parents.

GuestFeatu · 07/10/2024 19:10

Take her away on a cheap holiday as a one off. But absolutely no way do you agree for him to take his mum out for dinner and leave you at home. That suggestion is fucking nuts.

GuestFeatu · 07/10/2024 19:12

Mamabobogo · 07/10/2024 18:40

I really don’t tho k that’s unreasonable, I think it’s lovely.

I also feel that if it were mother and daughter, others would find it more acceptable.

Show quote history

Nope, still rude. Probably less weird in the fact that the 'date' dynamic would be absent but it's still rude and unacceptable.

Horses7 · 07/10/2024 19:13

I would be well peeved about this - the relationship between H and MIL sounds really odd.

laraitopbanana · 07/10/2024 19:15

Hi op,

I understand the feelings mixted here. I think you maybe need a little extra…

Resentment works swiftly, I would be conscious that you need to be able to say no even to things your dh would want/prefere. The fact that he pays for her makes you tic. I fully get that. Maybe she can come home earlier than you guys? She can have her night with dh her last night and iff she goes back and you can relax…

Hope it all works out 🌺

KatieL5 · 07/10/2024 19:17

I’’d have moved 200 miles away not 20. If not I’d suggest starting to look for a new DH.

Your situation is absolutely not normal. Not even close. What on earth made you agree to go on holiday with her? I wouldn’t put up with it.

laraitopbanana · 07/10/2024 19:20

@Mamabobogo absolutely. Mother daughter and everyone will be : oh you have a fab relationship! Your dh will be well happy with the telly once children are in bed. Go enjoy your mom.

but it isn’t mother daughter. It is mother son, so dynamics change and mil needs to have less if dil feels left out. Balance needs to be found where it is needed and noone can tell the op how she should feel, just maybe that it is ok to feel like that and that she can do a), b) or c) about it.

MIL looks like the hardest job after Mother honestly!!!

Gretagarbaled · 07/10/2024 19:20

Tell her due to her health conditions and imminent death she is uninsurable and unfortunately can't travel with you Wink

DuskMoon · 07/10/2024 19:24

To PPs bringing up if this were mother and daughter instead, insisting on a 1 on 1 dinner date at the exclusion of husband and children while on holiday is still bizarre. Going out for lunch on a weekend now and again while at home? Sure, but being on holiday changes things.

ellyeth · 07/10/2024 19:25

It's only one meal some posters say, but it isn't is it? It's an ongoing and continual vying for attention on the part of mother in law.

I think this situation has been allowed to get out of hand and should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago. It is obviously difficult to start changing things now but if it were me I would definitely talk to my husband about this. In my view, this conversation is long overdue.

This lady is only 67 and, in all probability and all being well, has several years of life left. Referring to her age and possible imminent death is designed to play on your husband's emotions, but he needs to resist this sort of psychological manipulation. You are his wife and her needs should not take preference over yours, especially not when his mother is lucky enough to be invited on your family holiday and for free too!

All the counsellors say that to approach difficult issues like this, the person who is aggrieved should concentrate on how they feel, rather than make angry criticisms (easier said than done I know). So perhaps if you say how unimportant and surplus to requirements this makes you feel, and how hurtful that is, that may hit home.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 07/10/2024 19:26

Justice4Friend · 06/10/2024 22:48

No, I'm not.
You're not very good at guessing are you?!

I'm just not selfish.

On a larger scale putting your parents in old people homes, not wanting them to use their own money for their own care but, wanting it all for yourself as inheritance.
That's what this society mostly does to their elders.
On a smaller scale - moaning about dinner!
It's disgusting how people treat their parents and in laws.
You'll all get old one day if you're lucky - you'll want your adult kids around then and might understand what this mother in law is going through.

Show quote history

Hogwash. She is with her son multiple times a month and OP doesn't mind. That said, it is NOT OP's job to pay for the MIL's vacay, especially when MIL COULD afford it but chooses to spend her money on dumb sh!t, leaving her none for a trip.

Choochoo21 · 07/10/2024 19:33

He sounds like a lovely man.

He has a close relationship with his mum and that’s never a bad thing.

There’s nothing wrong with going for dinner with his mum, just like it wouldn’t be if it was a friend.

I too would be looking out for my mum if she was on her own at a wedding.

You knew he had a close relationship with his mum and chose to stay.

You seem very jealous of her.

If this is going to irritate you so much then why not suggest he takes her away for the weekend just the 2 of them?

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 07/10/2024 19:34

Justice4Friend · 06/10/2024 22:57

Good to know she's spent her money on herself.

Show quote history

Then you should not be saying anything about a will OR anything about the OP not wanting to put herself and her DH into debt to cater to a selfish, manipulative, ugly-acting MIL.

The married adult couple need to put each other and their children first.