DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

Creepy and weird.

There are so many ways to stay in touch and support family members.

What he's doing is ridiculous. And its him. I'd say no to the holiday. She has no concepts of appropriate boundaries and neither does he.

This is pretty unhealthy.

I got slammed for my previous comment in which I used a term of art within the psychological community (covert incest) to refer to a state of covert, intra family, enmeshment that mimics or creates an unusually intimate and exclusive bond between parent and child. Look it up and see if it tracks.

At any rate your MIL is a relatively young woman. She could easily have an active social life and pay for herself or even find someone to date. Instead she focuses largely on your dh and takes money and time from your little family, scares him with stories of her potential demise. This is very unhealthy for all of you—herself included.

My own parents are in their 90’s and my inlaws died in their 90’s. I am nearly as old as OP’s MIL and work and caretake my parents. If my dd’s had their own families I wouldn’t be taking a busy child away from her children or asking her for money and stressing her family finances or her partner.

Wouldn’t bother me at all. It was quite normal to take granny on holiday when our kids were small and our adult daughter invites us with her family.

Are you invited because you told your daughter you’ll probably be dead soon and must go on a holiday with her before you die? Did you refuse to pay a penny? Did you insist that she leave her husband/partner in the hotel while she took you out for dinner?

If the answer to these questions is ‘no’, then your situation isn’t even remotely comparable.

Honestly I’m stunned that some posters are unable to see that a parent using the threat of their death as a way of controlling and guilting their child into giving up their money and family time, is extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional.

No she didn’t say that (neither did OP’s MIL, her husband did). We used to pay for my mum. My husband didn’t come (he is disabled and wasn’t up to physical things that the kids enjoyed).

I wouldn’t mind my DH going out without me once on holiday.

She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it.

Yes, she did say it.

There is nothing wrong with him going for dinner with his mum for one night. I expect the posters who think it’s weird don’t have good relationships with their MIL. I think it’s lovely personally.

This sounds really odd to me and I imagine you'd have less of an issue with it if the dynamic wasn't already weird!

I'd be putting my foot down on her coming on holiday in the first place, especially if you go away once a year- I love in laws but the one holiday we all went one was awful and I've not entertained the idea of it again.

If she had to come though, I'd be saying she has to pay, it's beyond ridiculous that you're expected to ot flights hotel and spending money.

I don't see going on mother / son dinners regularly is weird like some people are saying. I really hope my sons one day want to do the same, just like i'd be thrilled if my future DIL's would like to do coffee meets etc.

HOWEVER - doing it on a holiday is a bit weird, why wouldn't she want to soak as much time with the grandkids as possible.

Why can’t posters recognize the totality of what OP says is going on? This is not about a MIL who is in a healthy relationship with herself and her son. Its about a son who is terrorized and manipulated by an overbearing mother.

My dh and I both have regular dinners snd outings with my parents and are very close with our children. The fact that I, and other posters, agree with OP that this relationship is a problem is not because we come from unloving families, or don’t have close relationships with our children. Its because we can see that the dh has lost his judgement with respect to time/money/support with his mother.

It's almost funny that a perfectly healthy woman is claiming she's 'not got long left' and uses that to demand free holidays and regular meals out.

I actually do know a woman who did this for 30 years after being diagnosed with a minor condition. Luckily she had fairly bright offspring who didn't fall for her manipulations.

We definitely need a B button on here!

I can understand your annoyance but as long as you get some private evening meals with OH I'd just try and let it go.

For me, it would be different if DH prioritised me e.g. took me for dinners AT ALL.

The fact MIL gets regularly treated, but there isn't enough cash for DH to treat his wife is a sure fire way to build resentment!

Let them go to dinner but ask them to schedule it towards the middle or end of the holiday. You'll need the break from each other.

But do not just sit and wait for them to come back. Plan an activity for yourself and DC that goes along with wherever you are on holiday. We've done picnics at the beach/ pool, blanket forts with smores, cocoa and card games, a movie with themed food, etc. I let DC stay up late and make an evening out of it. They're teens now and still look forward to whatever I come up with (MIL no longer travels so now DH joins the fun).

I hope you're not holidaying at the Bates Motel!

Your MIL is manipulating you and Oedipus (sorry, your husband) is allowing this to happen. If she's 67 and in good health, you could have another 20 years of this. Talk to him, talk to her and set boundaries.

Your MIL should be babysitting for you and DH to get a nice meal on your own on the holiday!

You're married to a Mummies boy. I am sorry. You should show him this thread. Mummies boy needs to make a choice- Go back to Mummy and remain attached at the breast, or be allowed to continue sleeping with an adult woman and having sex. He cannot have it both ways. Tell him it's off-putting and not at all sexually appealing being a Mummies boy and you would rather go find a man/sugar daddy who can light up your world without his Mummy watching.

I'd hate this. She's emotionally blackmailing him. He's a wet blanket. What a turn off.

YANBU. I'm pleased she is pleasant to you but she is taking the piss. Unless you are wealthy a weekly/fortnightly meal out and annual holiday is a significant amount of money that could benefit your family. To play gooseberry on your main holiday every year then exclude you from an evening meal is so selfish; I'd be hoppng mad.

She sounds like a nightmare you absolutely have my sympathy. Does your husband like spending time with her or is it a guilt trip from her?

My inlaws have been draining us of money for years too my husband and me have finally turned round and said nope enough is enough you are on your own now. It didn't go down too well but on the plus side they no longer seem to want to see us or our kids anymore! They always wanted to see us when they had something to ask us for so I'm my opinion it's a win win situation.

Have youyold your husband no it's a family holiday and you all spend it together. I wouldn't even use her for childcare your husband is being weird.