DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

My feeling is that his mother is expecting a nice holiday abroad. Why not ring her and tell her that unfortunately due to the cost of living the budget will just stretch to a few nights self catering in a mobile home in & name a run down holiday area.

Tell her as well that your looking forward her doing all the cooking and minding the kids who wake up at 6.00 every morning as you need the break.

Tell her as well that she will be left with the kids 2 nights when you and her son go out for a meal and he always enjoys loud sex after this.

Then say to hear that since she is getting old ask her has she paid for and sorted out her funeral yet?
With this in mind you feel safer staying in the UK in case she gets a turn and needs to go to hospital and then of course if she drops dead you don't want to have the cost of bringing her body back to the UK.

If your husband complains about this I say I am not paying for her holiday or not is it coming out of the family budget so you better get some overtime to pay for your mother's holiday.

That’s an excellent idea. This holiday is not going to be enjoyable. If your boundary is for them not to go out one time op, then I would hold your ground on that. Your dh and his mother get to do this every 1-2 weeks back home. She’s got the pleasure of his company for the whole week.

Nope and you’re also not allowed to go out for dinner alone with them according to most of the people on this post, can’t believe how ridiculous some of them are being!

I would not bring your MIL on your holiday OP. It sounds like it would be making all the issues you have already worse. Say to your husband that it would be unbalanced given his mum attitude towards you and that you need quality time with him and your children and you cannot afford it but that further down the line (well before she dies) you will organise a larger family holiday with your family included (a true one off) where she is welcome to and in that occasion any time spent 1:1 between any members of the group won’t feel so divisive. All parties (including her) have also got time to save to contribute. This way you also do not set the precedent of her coming on holiday with you every year. I really feel that it would be all good and nice if she wasn’t acting as a divisive force towards you and your husband but she is.

She’s controlling him with guilt, taking financial advantage and the enmeshmrnt is frankly, revolting.

It sounds like she has done a real number on your H and you have your work cut out to get him to understand that.

Whatever your husband says, your MIL is not "childcare". Neither are you, you should know better.

Them going out for dinner 1 night during the holidays is fine. Surely she will reciprocate, and so will your husband on another occasion right?

The only real issue is that you don't want her to at all, so that's probably the point you need to address. You don't seem really nice to her given your dislike for her, there is no point taken her on holiday with you of it's too make everyone's time difficult sulking...

I think a lot of people are missing the point about MIL demanding to go and be paid for. My MIL is not well off, so we usually try to include her in our family holiday. We pay, because we can, but she is always trying to pay for meals or coffees. I would be happy for her and DH to go out for a meal. It's completely different for OP - she's not being given a choice about it, and being expected to stretch her own finances to pay for everything.

At the end of the day, taking a grandmother on holiday, and son having a meal 1:1 is all OK in my book. But the financial fleecing is infuriating me.
If the woman is in good health she could well last another 30 years. I bet this jlliday I'd not going to be a one off. I'd tell husband you can take her on holiday when how can afford it.
And where TF does she spend her earnings if she's stoll working?

Exactly! Can't imagine treating my kids that way!
I've helped my parents financially in the past, but I could afford, and they were desperate

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, so apologies if anyone has already suggested this, but why don't you invite your parents to join this 'family' holiday too ?

Obviously they would pay for themselves, but it would dramatically change the whole dynamic (and also be the reason that you can't won't do future 'family' holidays unless ALL the family can be there !).

Then you and your DH would have double the 'company' and 'childcare' as well as diluting the whole MIL effect ?

Then you would be having dinner with your own family when he goes alone with his Mum for dinner, which would be a lovely time for all ?

OP I have a solution!
Book a £9.50 sun holiday (next campaign is January for next year!) Take her on that. A cheap and cheerful weekend away. There she has been on holiday, Then you all WITHOUT HER go on your main holiday!
Seriously though you need a word with your DH as all this is very odd.

Have you told your DH you are not happy with him taking her out for a meal when you are all on holiday together - if so, what was his response?

Given the financial constraints I would be telling your DH that the holiday will have to be a caravan/lodge in the UK. A 3 bed won't be much more than a 2 bed and no extra travel costs if you're driving. A an extra adult for a holiday abroad will cost a fortune. You could use that money for a date night yourselves every week for the next year! And I really think you're DH could go to his mums or cook her dinner rather than eating out all the time. That's quite a luxury when you have a young family to support.

You could have another 30 years of this OP, & it'll only get worse if it's not kept on a very tight rein. The next 15 years should be about your DH forging relationships with his own children, not indulging his mother by parenting her. It's dysfunctional, it's enmeshment & it's a terrible example to be setting for your own children. I'd be planning a cheap UK weekend with MIL & keeping the 'family holiday' as a 'family holiday'. If you go ahead with plan A, I'd want to know exactly what childcare I'd be getting for such a big investment of funds because I (& I expect many other posters with manipulative parents & in-laws) know exactly what will happen once you're all away which is she'll not let you & DH have any quality alone time. She's directly competing with you for his attention, that's obvious by the nature of their relationship. She wants to be on the holiday to cause disruption, not further your enjoyment. Stop being a mug & get some firm boundaries down, the first one being separate individual personal money each month & he pays for anything for his mother out of that. Don't let him involve you & the children in his emotional incest to normalise it.

If I lost my husband, I would not be relying on my son to act as some kind of stand in for him. And I certainly wouldn’t expect to be taken on holiday and insist on being wined and dined separately from his family. Holidays are precious family time. I wouldn’t ever seek to encroach on that.

My mil spends one on one time with her boys once a month. They go out for a meal with their mum and have a good old catch up without is the dils being present or the grandkids. It gives them time to just be son's and have a chat without being interrupted. My mil is widowed and I think it's good for them and her. We've offered to take her on holiday but she isn't keen on anywhere hot and doesn't expect us to arrange it around her. I'd never expect her to pay as she isn't working whereas dh and I are. She always gives the kids some money to spend on their holiday.

Your mil however doesn't sound like a reasonable woman with the demanding to be taken on holiday and tbh I doubt if you go ahead she will babysitting for you. This is not a holiday I would agree to. She has a right to a relationship with her son but should understand and appreciate that he has a wife and children. Both relationships can be manged if he puts time and effort into it but he needs to reign her expectations in and it isn't a right to have a holiday every year.

When my dad was still alive, he loved going to see tribute acts for bands like The Rolling Stones and The Kinks. My mam wasn't keen so either me or my sis would go with him. That must've been scandalous 😂

Very weird and I'd say you have a DH problem more than a MIL problem

Was it every week, financed by you and your partner, and also on holiday, leaving said partner alone with the kids? If not, it’s not even close to being the same. There is a reasonable middle ground between never, and every week including on holiday whilst excluding most of the family.

It think it can be hard to understand how different the relationship is when you have a lone parent who struggles financially. You see all the sacrifices they made for you and you want to look after them when you’re an adult. You end up with a closer bond if they remain alone. And there is a risk you somewhat replace the role of a partner.

My mother is a lone parent and has always struggled financially. The only way she’s had any holidays has been me inviting her, both without my partners over the years and with my ex and our kids. The kids loved it and have lots of happy memories of those holidays.

However, she can also be overbearing and difficult and there were often arguments when I set boundaries with her, such as when she’s undermined me with the kids or made a fuss about something she didn’t want to do. I found it difficult at times, as it did change the dynamic. But my ex was very laid back and that made it much less stressful for me. It would’ve been far worse for me if I’d known he didn’t really want her to come or been irritated by her.

My advice is you must set boundaries. I don’t see any harm in them having one dinner together, in the same way a mum and daughter might. Rather than seeing it as you being left out, perhaps view it as you graciously giving them time together. But if it really bothers you, then it is your holiday, which you’ve paid for, so you should let your DH know it crosses a boundary for you. And I also think she should bring her own spending money, even if it’s limited to what she’d spend on food etc at home. My mum always offered to pay for things.

This comment trail is referring to the "incest" comment. I've already given a comment to OP on my suggestion for the situation 🙄

Why? I take DM out regularly to shows and stuff, but she also comes out with me and DH at times and most importantly, DH and I go out together far more often without her.

Anyone who wouldn’t be pissed off if their DH took their Mum out weekly, but never ever took them out is either a liar or a complete doormat.

Catching up on replies.

@Remaker the wedding situation was that DH and I were talking to the the mother of the bride and he was looking over his shoulder anxiously looking around for his mother, then excused himself from the conversation and went to spend the whole drinks reception sitting with his mum whilst I either spoke to other people without him or went to sit with them. I wasn't explicitly excluded but it didn't feel like we were there as a couple, even if his mum had been with us chatting that would have been fine but they sat in a corner together. Things like that have started to grate.

Yet again, this conversation was in response to the "incest" comment.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon "Sadly you married a mummy's boy".

Yes that's the crux of it really.