DH won’t pay into children’s savings accounts

[CocoMaroon]

DH and I have separate bank accounts, I work part time on a low wage and DH is a much higher earner (£47k) When our children were born I opened savings accounts for them and make sure I put in any left over birthday money, Christmas money etc and I pay in an amount each month out of my own account.

Since they were born I have asked my husband to set up a standing order from his account (alongside mine) and he’s not bothered. Our oldest is now 13 and when I think of how much more could be in his account if DH had been paying money in.

He says he never gets around to it, never has the chance, I’ve begged him, nagged him, walked him to their bank so he could set it up, he took the details promising he would do it that evening. That was a year ago 😡

My parents have recently set up an account for our children and were telling us about it yesterday- I said to DH that I wished he would pay something into their accounts. He walked up to me later and whispered in my ear “do not embarrass me like that again”

AIBU??

No I agree. I’m just saying it isn’t the case that he just fritters away all of his money. He just doesn’t put it into a designated savings account.

Breakfast club and after school care/clubs enable many single mothers to work full time .

YABU you've chosen to put your money in savings for your children while he carries the biggest burden of everyday expenses. Did you discuss this? Did he agree that was a fair amount? What other extra expenses are there for the children?

If you have a disabled child, can you put their DLA into their savings to boost them?

Who would pay unexpected bills if the extra £40 a month that you expect him to pay wasn't there? Washing machine and fridge freezer both needing replaced and large car repair bill within a couple of months for example ?
(Don't say it doesn't happen - it does.)

Do yous have a joint account for bills or anything? Could you just set it up from that? Does he keep all his disposable cash to himself? Do yous have equal amounts or do you have access to it?

But the child is in school.

and quite frankly I was asking the op. Not you.

Alright, sorry 😳. I was just explaining a situation that I have a lot of first hand knowledge of.
My son is in school. He has a 1:1. The funding for 1:1 doesn’t extend to wrap around care, and many providers cannot accommodate disabled children.

Regarding the toilet seat - go to the shed, find the toolbox, watch a you tube video and fit it yourself. You dont need a willy to fix a loo seat!

I'm pretty cack handed but even I can manage basic DIY and car maintenance. My husband is very protective of his tools though and usually he only has to see me opening the tool box and he'll rush to take over the task. Win win!

Haven’t RTFT. It is definitely annoying that he promised to contribute but hasn’t done it, but I think you need to drop the subject and accept that he just isn’t going to do it.

I started saving for my DD when she was a baby and DH said that he’d set up a savings account for DS when he was born. It took him several years to actually do it!

I’d carry on saving what you currently do for them, it’ll still be a nice cushion when they’re adults.

I vote YABU for having children and having this ridiculous 'flat mate' type approach to your finances!

I simply can't imagine going to the shops and wondering whose turn it is to pay and who's paid more this week etc. Bizarre. Who's job it is to buy school uniform? Or pay for school trips?!

Join your input into the household. Whole lot goes into one pot that pays for bills/mortgage/food etc. The rest gets split evenly between the two of you if you think he's going to spend too much. Then you still have your 'own' money for birthday presents etc with no one asking what you're spending, but everything joint gets taken care of. Then that saving for the children could come out of the main pot.

None of this would be an issue if you had joint finances and had decided - together - that you would save an amount for the kids.

What can possibly be the point of separate accounts when you have children. What is the actual point?

What would be the point? Having young kids is an expensive time of your life. When they are 18/21 they can be earning their own money.

If you insist on having separate finances, can’t you just say ‘I’ll transfer an extra £20 a month each to the kids’ accounts and drop my contribution to the rent and bills by £40’?

Your husband is right. If you need the money you will not be able to get at it. It is fine for gift money but not savings. It would drive me mad if my partner tried to dictate how I spend my money. I would also be really angry if the subject was raised in front of others

My point is that he refused for me to fit it myself because I would “fuck it up” but refused to do it himself either, same applies for mowing the lawn, putting up shelves etc.

Interesting.

If you squandered your savings at 18 then you should be able to understand why children don't need to have a lot of savings in their names?

I'd honestly be more concerned about the money situation overall, this savings thing is just a symptom of a bigger issue. Why, when he is earning more than 3 times what you are, are you're wages taken up entirely with rent & bills etc? Why are you paying half the rent? Are you married or house sharing?

And tbh £59k household income in social housing (in terms of rent) IS a good amount (ignore the ridiculous snobby BS here, most houses are on less than that) so presumably his disposable income is pretty good? What else does he pay out?

(edit - just seen the 'fuck it up' comment & added to the whispering a warning in your ear... I'm not sure he sounds all that wonderful full stop)

@nosmartphone @zileri Tbf, both ways can work. DH and I have our salaries paid into our personal accounts and we both transfer a certain amount to the joint account for the mortgage and bills. We also have a joint credit card and joint savings account that we both put money into for unexpected expenses (washing machine breaks down, for holidays, etc.)

But saving for the children comes from any extra that’s left in our personal accounts. We’ve done it this way for nearly 25 years so it can work!

How so?
OP says her husband pays for majority expenses (as he should as the higher earner) and she also has her own savings.

And she has enough to put in to the children's accounts.

Disagree. U seem to be abit obsessed with this OP. If your husband is paying most of bills, there is going to be very little spare.
I suggest u leave it OP, I can understand why your husband feels embarrassed/
He will end up feeling resentful

...and here comes the drip feed.

If my partner tried to show me up in front of the parents I'd tell them where to go!

But he doesn’t want to, and it appears he just said he would to shut you up.

If I wanted something done & he was full of shit, i'd just do it myself! Reduce your contribution to something else & up the savings or insist you set up the standing order for him. And get that toilet seat fitted 🤣

An example of how he has good intentions but never gets around to stuff is him buying a new toilet seat as our old one was broken and him promising to put it on “tomorrow”
It sat in the airing cupboard for 5 years 🙈

Fitting a toilet seat is very easy, you could easily do it yourself its a 10/15 minute job. I mean obviously this isn't the point of your thread, I've lived with a procratinator and it is very irritating and can be exhausting, but letting a job go undone when you could do it yourself is cutting off your nose to spite your face. Focus on the stuff that only he can do that he is putting off. The savings account business, I would say he never wanted to do in the first place, that's why he han't done it. That is his choice, he doesn;t have to use money that way if he doesn't want to. But he should have said that from the off, not lied to you.

With my (now X) husband I made it clear that he had every right to disagree with things, but I required honesty. So with eg the toilet seat, he should say, I'm always going to put this off because essentially I am too lazy to do it, so you will need to do it. Then you know where you stand and don't waste time asking and getting a load of basically lies about how he'll do it 'tomorrow'.

Off course the time may come when you realise you don't want to live with someone who is lazy, dishonest and procrastinates continuously. It may occur to you that if someone never actually does anything to contribute to joint living, there is not much point to them.

You shouldn't have said that about your partner in front of your parents. More so given it is already a point of contention between you and him. And the context matters, he supports his family and it is okay for him to have a difference of opinion. And you know he does.

The fact that your DH has been putting this savings account payment off for so long suggests that he doesn't want to do it. Maybe he feels that paying the majority of household expenses is enough and saving for the children in the future is not so important. You can't make him do it and maybe it would work better to accept that your contribution to savings is going to be it.