To think this gift was an insult

[ThePearlSloth]

I realise I probably sound very ungrateful so please let me know if I really am being ungrateful or if IABR.

it was recently a big birthday. I’m not hugely into gifts and don’t demand a present and a fuss. A very close family member (don’t want to id them too closely) but have known them my entire life let’s just say, did not see me on my birthday but said they had gifts for me. I said no problem I’m not expecting anything. I saw them a week after my birthday and they had forgotten the gifts. Again I wasn’t bothered. A couple of weeks after my birthday and they popped in with a bag of gifts that contained, unwrapped, a gift pack of toiletries from the supermarket; a tea light holder; some joss sticks; and a random book about housecleaning. There was a card which said they would pop some money in my account but they didn’t know my account number.

so… I was genuinely upset that a very close family member had thought this was a nice present for a big birthday. It was late, unwrapped, money not even in card and the actual gifts were cheap and looked like they were the first things seen in the supermarket.

Family member is very comfortably off and has no need to scrimp, but it wasn’t the cost so much as the lack of thought that upset me. Aibu?

It's best not to bother than give random supermarket stuff. The thought does count, those gifts were thoughtless. There isn't any excuses, although you might get plenty on here. What's their gift giving like at Christmas?

What sort of gift would you have expected? Do you give this relative gifts? If so, what?

Those gifts are useable. I would not like a cheap or expensive useless item.

The problem is everyone places different values on birthdays including milestone ones

personally another day to me and wouldn’t give it an thought

my colleague who demands her birthday off every year would be raging and cut them off after causing a huge drama

Yes that is quite insulting. Is it out of character? Once my SIL was going through a strange time and gave me a bottle of Co-op lime extract for my birthday. I wasn’t insulted but was bemused.

Another very wealthy relative gave me 4 types of home fragrance ( diffusers, sprays etc) from a very expensive brand and yes, I was insulted because it was totally without any thought of what I would actually like. I’d bought her a really nice personal gift for the same big birthday.

Is this family member nice to you? Do you feel loved and supported by them generally? That matters to me Far more than any gift. If they are usually a good family
member then it’s not an insult, if they are usually rubbish then meh, not worth getting upset over.

When I turned 40 recently my dad handed me a wad of cash a la mafia wedding, in Euros (I live in England) at my bday party which was a while after my actual bday. It didn't bother me tbh. But this is because I know my dad and he isn't organised with gifts or anything. He also once got me a book about fungus for Christmas 😂. That was it. Nothing else. Just a book about fungus. I have no interest in fungus or anything, so it was pretty unexpected, but funny in hindsight. I gave it away to someone at work who loved it

To add - if it had been someone other than my dad I might have been more hurt by it

I suppose I'd be hurt/disappointed if this relative was my partner, my mum, or someone as close as that.

Could you do something similar on their birthday?

I don't see what dwelling on it will do it happened.
You said you weren't bothered anyway.

Just don't bother on their birthday or make the same effort ot is what it is?

I don't understand why it matters if you were not actually bothered.

I got given a stress penis by my teenage son. A jumper from adult dd. That has no hope in hell of fitting me. 🤣.

Well you have said that you don't care about getting anything and not given any expectations of what you'd like and have implied that you don't want/ expect much and they've gone with that so not sure you can complain really

They felt they 'ought' to get something, had no direction apart from you saying you are not fussed so have ended up with a half assed attempt. Not everyone is good at buying perfect gifts.

Next time if you have expectations be clear about them or decline more clearly/ ask for a charity donation or something.

It was my mum and I am upset about it honestly

I didn’t have expectations and would have been happier with nothing but I take your point.

If it is out of character I'd be worried they are struggling mentally tbh.
Are they typically very kind and thoughtful?

Sounds like the first birthday gift I ever got my from DH, just a random selection of odd shite from Woolworths (including lava lamp and a plate rack 🤣) He’s been quite rubbish at birthdays ever since until I told him I would not accept anymore frigging cookbooks that he’d picked up for Tesco. Fortunately Christmas is only two weeks later and for whatever reason he always does very well at Christmas presents (think laptop for my new uni course, expensive camera, Dyson hair dryer, tickets to great places). No idea why he gets it so wrong on birthdays.

One of my oldest friends is also a terrible gift giver but I don’t let it offend me she obviously thinks it’s a nice gift so I take it at face value.

Why didn't you give them your account number? They wanted to give you money.
The other gifts aren't fantastic but I personally love Joss sticks, and would use the toiletries if they were Dove or whatever as it's a perfectly decent brand. Not luxury, but still useful.

Just bear it in mind when it comes to their birthday not to make much effort or spend much. Or you could regift her the toiletries, Joss sticks and tea light? 🤣

That's what I was thinking... Dementia? Sounds extremely odd from your mum for a big birthday.

Unless someone bought me a present that was a t-shirt saying “I’m a shit person” or similar I can’t imagine getting dramatic about ANY gift.

Random supermarket candles - thanks, I’ll probably use them. Swanky diffuser gift set - thanks I’ll probably use it.

I don’t use gifts as a big barometer of how much people know or love me or indeed their mental situation as a PP suggested.

Move on, OP.

I don't understand why you were so easy-going about receiving nothing but suddenly became extremely offended by the gifts. It doesn't make any logical sense to me.

Give her your account number and if she doesn't transfer any money, be offended then.

Not hugely into gifts or "making a big fuss"

Not "bothered" that they were late giving it to you.

But now you're upset enough to post on here.

Think you are actually "bothered"

I don't really understand the post
If you weren't bothered then why are you bothered?

I get it OP, not doing gifts is fine you weren’t expecting anything but to receive a bag of random crap just feels like no effort, gifts are usually bought with the receiver in mind and most people aim to get something that will be loved and appreciated. So it says either she doesn’t know you very well or wasn’t bothered to choose something you would like.

i’d be upset, especially from my mum. A book about housecleaning?! Unless it was the latest, top ten, revolutionise-your-life type book, then that’s outrageous (and even so…).

I'd have preferred a simple box of biscuits or bubble bath carefully wrapped and given with a card with a thoughtful message. For me it clearly seems like she forgot and rushed to the supermarket on the way so she had something to give.