To think this gift was an insult

[ThePearlSloth]

I realise I probably sound very ungrateful so please let me know if I really am being ungrateful or if IABR.

it was recently a big birthday. I’m not hugely into gifts and don’t demand a present and a fuss. A very close family member (don’t want to id them too closely) but have known them my entire life let’s just say, did not see me on my birthday but said they had gifts for me. I said no problem I’m not expecting anything. I saw them a week after my birthday and they had forgotten the gifts. Again I wasn’t bothered. A couple of weeks after my birthday and they popped in with a bag of gifts that contained, unwrapped, a gift pack of toiletries from the supermarket; a tea light holder; some joss sticks; and a random book about housecleaning. There was a card which said they would pop some money in my account but they didn’t know my account number.

so… I was genuinely upset that a very close family member had thought this was a nice present for a big birthday. It was late, unwrapped, money not even in card and the actual gifts were cheap and looked like they were the first things seen in the supermarket.

Family member is very comfortably off and has no need to scrimp, but it wasn’t the cost so much as the lack of thought that upset me. Aibu?

🤣

I think for a special birthday it’s nice to feel seen and acknowledged. Especially by your mum.
My mum was a bit rubbish with presents as a kid as she grew up in terrible poverty. So once I earned my own money I schooled her a little bit and then there was no stopping her!
That is a random bunch of stuff - honestly I’d rather someone had got me a gift card at the checkout and I’m not a big fan of gift cards from someone so close.
I don’t get why people find gifts so hard if you know someone reasonably well. And so many stores now you only have to walk in and ask and tell them your budget and you can find something.
I think it’s recognition you wanted here and it came too late, and I’m so sorry for you for that OP.

My oldest friend gave me a bag of oddments for my 40th, I think it was. Quite clearly stuff she didn’t want left over from her own birthday, ten days before mine. I suggested not bothering in future because of the cost of postage (we don’t live in the same country).

She's plain tight, though. You’re right, it is insulting.

@ThePearlSloth my mum and I didn't have the closest of relationships either.
However she always gave me lovely, very thoughtful and appreciated gifts for Xmas and B'days.
I too don't care about gifts, could even do without them, but I was always very touched by my mum making an effort to get me a gift that she knew I would enjoy.
Obs your mum thinks differently, maybe doesn't have the means to buy or even shop for a nicer gift, and maybe overall she's not the best gift giver anyway?

Maybe one of those who feels she must give a gift but had given up trying to think of something appropriate to the recipient?

Sorry if this has been gone over already.

I hope you can put this feeling of hurt out of your mind OP, one of those things you can't change so no use dwelling on it xx.

It’s not ‘don’t like’, it’s the thoughtlessness of it.

If OP generally doesn't like or expect gifts, like me, they become terribly hard to buy for. I've spent years saying don't buy me anything. If I changed that and said ok get me something if you want I wouldn't expect anyone to know what I did want. I don't know myself! So why wouldn't a number of reasonably generic gifts be a suitable offering?

My mum got me a facial hair remover for Christmas when I was 30..😅

I think I laughed thinking what is she on..my black chin hairs didn't start sprouting till a year later..but it has come in handy 😂

I would understand given its your Mum. If it's someone not overly close I wouldn't be. But I'm awful at gifts :( I get everyone to choose now so at least it is something they want and if they won't awnser I let them know the default gift is chocolate haha

Just regift it all back to them on their birthday @ThePearlSloth

Oh I so understand, OP. If that was my mum or a close family member giving me something like that for a special birthday I would be quite upset.

You said you aren't into gifts and weren't expecting anything.

But you are complaining about what they did get?

I said no problem I’m not expecting anything

You can't say something like that and then be upset about not receiving a great gift. It made it sound like you weren't bothered when in fact you were.

Having said that, I think it's a bit shitty of a Mum to get you some random stuff like that for a big birthday. I was thinking it was a cousin or aunt or somebody like that. (My aunt buys me complete tat every year and I've tried to put a stop to it or suggest something else but it's always the same).

You'd expect your Mum to remember your birthday, choose something that she knows you would like and get it to you on time and if she wanted to give you money and she didn't have your account number she could have put cash in a card.

So I do understand the upset.

It's wierd. I hate unwrapped gifts unless its a difficult thing to wrap and then I would do pretty tissue wrap.
It's half arsed nature would upset me if it was someone I felt I meant something too.
I'd rather someone just said I'm struggling with a present can I make you a cake or take you out for coffee. It's just
the effort not the item.

How about asking her why she thought you needed or would like the items? It might be a start to a much needed conversation.

I'm sorry you were let down like that. Nice bubble bath, hand cream and choccies from me. 🩷

As the Buddhists say: if you place emotional attachment to something, you will be disappointed and experience suffering. No expectation, no disappointment. Simples!

I’ve had some terrible gifts. A tiny sample pot of Body Shop body butter wrapped in Thomas the Tank Engine paper.

A chipped pink plate that said “Cake Time” or some twee nonsense.

A mug with teddy bears on (I’m not 5).

A patterned scarf similar to one worn by BA cabin crew in the 1980s (maybe it was?)

I normally just scale back on my gifts to them, it’s petty but gives me a smirk of satisfaction.

@ThePearlSloth I have had to tell my Mum not to give me any more gifts as they are insulting. To paint a picture my mother is very well dressed and elegant (she is in her 80's), uses a laptop, buys nice things, and generally has good taste when buying clothes/shoes etc. Gifts she expects from us (her children) are tasteful things or things she wants. In the past, it has been say a digital camera or a cashmere jumper, handbag, perfume, that type of thing. She is not short of money.

My last Christmas present that I got from her was a vest top size 10 (I was a 16 then), a free gift from high-end makeup store (you know the type of thing, buy two products and get a free makeup bag), and two children's towels with cartoons on. She thought the towels would look nice in my kitchen. Unfortunately, I lost it, rang her after too many glasses of wine, and told her never to buy me anything again as it was just too insulting.

In the past I have had a Christmas decoration for my 48th birthday, she bought a male member of the family a wooden duck ornament on his 27th birthday from the Garden Centre.. The list goes on and on and on. If any of us gave her anything slightly similar she would be totally insulted and wouldn't hold back from telling us so. She went first class to New Zealand which cost her about £10k and gave the free toiletries bag you get on the plane to a younger family member as a birthday present when she was about 15. They are 25 now and still talk about the shit present they got from grandma.

Before anyone jumps in and says you shouldn't expect anything, presents don't matter blah blah blah.. It's not about that, if I want something nice I can buy it myself. It's the fact of what the gift represents, it's literally like her saying "I don't care anything for you". She can plan holidays, a very varied social life etc, but seemingly only has 5 mins to dash into TK Maxx, grab a handful of shite and think that'll do.

She would not tolerate us doing this to her but it is ok for her to do this to us. Interestingly she wouldn't dream of buying her friends rubbish presents or her sisters etc.

Sorry @ThePearlSloth it's hurtful when it's your mum.

A tastfully wrapped gift box of Odour eaters, mouthwash, deodrant and anti dandruff shampoo would be my go to gifts for an ex bil, anusol too, His wife was always saying he was moaning about that region😁

Best to given no present than a shit one. I’ve had to ask my mum not to compile bags of tat that need taking to the charity shop. Books like ‘Hurrah for Gin’ and Dove toiletries are clearly the devils work.

I understand you and your disappointment. :( I mean it's your mom, it's natural to expect something more personal. I guess just try to not overthink it and just move on. She may not have had time or inspiration to think of something more exciting... but yes I would be quite upset as well if my mom gave this sort of present ...

These are such cheap things? Why does he need you to do his pharmacy run? I find it incredibly odd, especially dressed up as a gift. Like wrapping up a pack of loo rolls and pack of corn plasters, what’s the point!

I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to give an adult a present, but if you’re going to bother, may as well gift something that is a present. Or not bother at all!

A relative of mine was well off and well dressed. She gave us second hand stuff from the charity shop at Xmas and the worst of it was the year she gave us second hand underpants! We actually rolled around laughing at how pathetic she really was!

I used to get upset by this. My husband said the only way to teach people a lesson, is to do the same thing back. We had a friend gift me random, old crap e.g. dusty perfume bottles and old things. I stopped buying nice quality pressies, and gave her some old face masks, body sprays, and some other stuff we found unopened around the house. The following year, her gift suddenly became more thoughtful! It actually worked. It's her birthday coming up and I'm looking for a nice pressie for her this time! So do the same thing back. Write the card and say, oh I didn't know your bank account number, sorry!

I think what is getting missed is that no present was expected. But when it did come late it was a reflection of what the giver thinks of the receiver. It is a bit like if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all rather than insult than to their face. So if you cannot make an effort with present giving don't insult the person with a bunch of crap.