To think this gift was an insult

[ThePearlSloth]

I realise I probably sound very ungrateful so please let me know if I really am being ungrateful or if IABR.

it was recently a big birthday. I’m not hugely into gifts and don’t demand a present and a fuss. A very close family member (don’t want to id them too closely) but have known them my entire life let’s just say, did not see me on my birthday but said they had gifts for me. I said no problem I’m not expecting anything. I saw them a week after my birthday and they had forgotten the gifts. Again I wasn’t bothered. A couple of weeks after my birthday and they popped in with a bag of gifts that contained, unwrapped, a gift pack of toiletries from the supermarket; a tea light holder; some joss sticks; and a random book about housecleaning. There was a card which said they would pop some money in my account but they didn’t know my account number.

so… I was genuinely upset that a very close family member had thought this was a nice present for a big birthday. It was late, unwrapped, money not even in card and the actual gifts were cheap and looked like they were the first things seen in the supermarket.

Family member is very comfortably off and has no need to scrimp, but it wasn’t the cost so much as the lack of thought that upset me. Aibu?

I think because you’d hope your mum would know you.

What kind of presents do you buy for them? I know it shouldn't be tit for tat but I've started giving people the same back as what I receive. A relative is rubbish at present giving and gifts for example, a bag of chocolate from the supermarket and a pair of socks that were discounted & expects a great fuss, so I've decided I'll buy something equally as low value back. I've got to the point if someone doesn't give a shit then I won't either. This person also happily accepted a coffee from me but when it was their 'turn' just bought her own! 🙄

Yeah but I don't know what I want myself so how can I expect anyone else to? If OP has similarly made it clear in the past she's not bothered by getting stuff how is anyone meant to know what she might actually want?

I wouldn't expect anyone, including my mum, to know what to get me.

Your Mum!?!

Ouch.

I think I'd have to tell her I wish she hadn't bothered, because it's obvious she isn't.

Alternatively say nothing but treat her with the same disdain.

What a bitch.

Same!

I get what you’re saying I really do and I have friends and family members that I have no clue what to get … I think it’s just hurting OP that her mum wasn’t there on the day, showed up a week later without a gift and then bought stuff that was such an afterthought… my mum didn’t hit the mark many a time with gifts but I could see where she was coming from … I could see how she saw me and I knew she saw me - through her lens - but she still saw me - ffs I’m actually crying thinking about it - I think it’s just really about wanting your mum to know you a bit more than you’d do a secret Santa at work.

On the topic of gifts...seems many PP are, like myself and OP herself, aren't bothered.
They are expensive and like one poster said, 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' , how true.
I give cash myself, much more appreciated and EZ.
I guess OP was upset because is was her mum who gave such a bag of assorted pick up at the supermarket things?

You said that you aren't bothered about presents, but you sound bothered about this one! Maybe it's really your relationship with this special person which is really bothering you. I think you'd be happier telling people not to get you presents, and meaning it. You could also stop giving presents. Continuing with this sounds upsetting rather than rewarding. You could tell one or people in private that you don't mean them, of course!

FFS it's a joke of sorts, 🙄he had these conditions but would never admit it.
It was grim being around some who would take their shoes off when visiting for the first time and their socks stank, dandruff flakes everywhere and breath that could make you pass out a couple of metres away. He was so rank but carried on like gods gift to women. She had the good sense to leave him.

Rightio, I absolutely hate joke presents and file them in the same category as novelty socks (and other items destined for landfill). He sounds vile, but the gifts were designed to humiliate which is pretty horrible. If that was my opinion of someone I’d probably not have bothered. Surely gifting is about liking someone?

I get why you found it hurtful. Does she do this sort of thing often or is it the first time? My mum does similar and has for years, but she's a big drinker and our relationship is difficult... she can be the most thoughtful person (when sober) but over the years she has given me a few odd or thoughtless presents - usually something enormous and heavy that I have no use for and no hope of getting into my hand luggage when visiting (I live abroad), or items that she knows very well you can't put in hand luggage. Or no present at all, or some lame excuse about dropping my card in a puddle on the way to my party (happened to both my engagement and 30th birthday cards!)

@80smonster the poster isn’t saying she actually bought those gifts for her charming sounding ex BIL. She’s just imagining what she could give him should the opportunity arise. It’s a joke.

@needsomewarmsunshine it made me laugh.

I can understand why u r upset but best to let it go

I know what you mean, OP! It’s like what has been gifted to you is more thoughtless than getting nothing.

MIL is a shocking gift giver: never on time, and usually looks as though she’s gone through her cupboards to find something she can give. Once, a week after my birthday, I was handed a carrier bag with a bar of cooking chocolate and a used reed diffuser. She’s a millionaire.

Ironically, when we decided no adult presents for birthdays or Christmas, she was the one family member who was clearly put out.

I got pretty much the same from my mum earlier this month for my big birthday.

Similar sort of stuff. A supermarket scented candle, a pair of supermarket gloves (I'm not really a glove wearer), something else I can't quite remember, a mug or something.

Also not wrapped, but in a re-used gift bag, with a bit of re-used tissue paper over the top.

She did also pay £100 into my account.

I wasn't bothered.

She's just not great at gifts. And to be honest, there isn't really anything she could have got me that I'd have loved. I'm just not that into "stuff".

And I can't be bothered with wrapping paper etc as I just find it wasteful.

I have friends whose mums know them inside out and get them great gifts that they love.

Thats just not me and my mum and I just accept that xxx

My mum isn't great at choosing gifts. For birthdays and Christmas, she normally gives me money, but would also usually pick up a few bits and pieces that she thinks would be useful - probably similar to what you got. They would never be wrapped! I wouldn't feel remotely insulted. I know she just isn't good at choosing gifts, so I'm happy with the thought... and the money of course which I can spend as I choose. I really wouldn't take it personally OP. Some people are just rubbish at choosing gifts for others. In fact, she gets ridiculously stressed in the lead up to Christmas at the thought of having to choose gifts for the extended family.

Don’t you just hate it when someone gets you a gift? You are being unreasonable. People shouldn’t have to get you anything, nor should you expect it, nor should it matter what it is. A card should always be enough because it is about that person thinking of you on your day.

I'm trying to decide whether I'd be more hacked off by a book about fungus or a book about housecleaning😂

How old is your mum? I’ve been given some quite different gifts in recent years from my mum as going out is becoming more difficult, she has less friends and things need to be got from places that she just happens to be at, supermarkets, strange catalogues she gets through the door and door to door companies like Ringtons. This year she’s asked if I don’t mind taking her to Marks and Spencer so she feels comfortable and confident to look around for a gift. she wouldn’t usually want me to see what I’m getting but she really wants it this way now. Maybe you could ask to go out for a coffee for your Birthday somewhere she could get you something I wish I’d done this as it makes you feel like a complete arse when they have to ask you for help.

I always go out of my way to give my Dad thoughtful birthday gifts but he rarely gives me anything. It doesn't bother me though as I'm too old to be upset about it; I know he loves me. Gifts make little difference in the end.

My SIL regifts and doesn't care that I (and other people) won't like the gifts any more than she had liked them herself.
I have found the best way of dealing with them is to bin them as soon as she leaves. It makes me feel more in control. I don't dwell on them when I don't see them.

FWIW I don't think there is anything wrong with regifting in itself but not when its just passing rubbish around.

I just turned 40 and got given 4 reduced, half dead lavender plants (end of August) which died completely by the end of the day.

That's it. Got nothing else from anyone except my young child whose present I had obviously had to buy myself as she's too young, bless her.

The thing that bugs me about obviously thoughtless gifts is having to be appreciative. I mean, I do it, I say thank you and all that, but I cringe at the lack of authenticity these moments require of me.

I can understand why people want to give gifts, but most people are hard to give gifts to because they have everything they need and a lot of what they want, so what else is there to give as a gift?

I think it would be better if a lot of the gift-giving of rubbish out of obligation was stopped, and then if you happened to find or think of something perfect for someone you could give it to them whenever, not because you had to find them something for Christmas/birthday.

I'd certainly prefer fewer, more meaningful gifts.

Though I did use the biros my step-Grandparents gave me for Christmas one year.