To think this gift was an insult

[ThePearlSloth]

I realise I probably sound very ungrateful so please let me know if I really am being ungrateful or if IABR.

it was recently a big birthday. I’m not hugely into gifts and don’t demand a present and a fuss. A very close family member (don’t want to id them too closely) but have known them my entire life let’s just say, did not see me on my birthday but said they had gifts for me. I said no problem I’m not expecting anything. I saw them a week after my birthday and they had forgotten the gifts. Again I wasn’t bothered. A couple of weeks after my birthday and they popped in with a bag of gifts that contained, unwrapped, a gift pack of toiletries from the supermarket; a tea light holder; some joss sticks; and a random book about housecleaning. There was a card which said they would pop some money in my account but they didn’t know my account number.

so… I was genuinely upset that a very close family member had thought this was a nice present for a big birthday. It was late, unwrapped, money not even in card and the actual gifts were cheap and looked like they were the first things seen in the supermarket.

Family member is very comfortably off and has no need to scrimp, but it wasn’t the cost so much as the lack of thought that upset me. Aibu?

I think OP just admitted it was her mum and she was pretty hurt. It kinda put a different s different spin on it tbh… I get it’s maybe a defence mechanism to say I’m not usually bothered/materialistic/ grabby etc but I think now it’s transpired it was her mum I think she’s quite hurt. I would be to be honest -I’d hope l for a big birthday my mum would have - she’s passed away now but she always did - know me enough to get me something meaningful -not cost wise, she got me a secondhand copy of a book once that just showed she knew me - I’m sad for OP now I know it’s her mum.

Yes your own mum giving you crappy presents 2 weeks late for a landmark birthday is upsetting. You are definitely NBU. Is she usually like this? Because I'd be seriously worried about my mum if she had done this.

Her mum would have been kind by listening to her daughter and not getting anything in the first place.

I will never get how someone will say I don’t want a gift, don’t expect a gift, not big on gifts and supposed close family members who know this about the person completely disregard it and get something anyway.

It comes off less about the receiver and more about the gifter.

The trouble with saying you aren't bothered about a present is that eventually, people believe you and even take you at your word.

Of course, if your mum normally makes an effort for your birthday, there could be something on her mind - eg has she a serious health problem that she is keeping quiet about, doesn't want to worry you with? This could explain also her forgetting to bring the present.

Snap! My mother handed me a cheque for £50 for my 50th. My brother was thrown a big party and given an antique grandfather clock for his.

I am wondering if there is a backstory regarding the Ops mum? The reticence to own her sadness at her mother's gift giving reminds me of my own long-term denial of having a shitty parent. You are allowed to have feelings about being treated poorly.

And that was from your mum? Yikes, I’d be hurt too. Sorry op, that’s really rubbish.

I got a vegan cookbook for a special birthday off my sister. I'm not vegan 🤔 it was a regift she's just hopeless at birthdays and I just have given up being bothered about it. If I need or would like something I get it for myself. It's not worth getting upset about.

Your mum? Aw...how upsetting that would be, an arrow right to the heart, how very upsetting and personally attacked you must feel, what a rubbish thing to do to your own child.

I wouldn't be flooded with joy, but neither would it bother me tbh. But the bar is set quite low in my family - my mum recently gave me a book for my 50th birthday. It was For Whom The Bell Tolls, and that wasn't even a joke - she had been reading the book, enjoyed it, and thought I would enjoy it too, so she bought it and presented it to me for my 50th . It wasn't wrapped, and she left the sticker on so I could swap it if I had already read it. Which I had, so I did.

I should make clear that both she and my father are excessively generous in all ways, they would hand me any amount of money without thinking twice, but our gift buying skills are suspect.

I think maybe it's the not seeing you on your birthday and then giving the presents late that is upsetting, rather than the presents themselves (unless your mum usually gives really thoughtful presents).

It's hard buying gifts for adults as usually, unless you spend a fortune, you are just buying people something they could buy themselves if they really wanted to. My mum often asks me what I want, and I either can't think of anything, or ask for something very specific which would be easier to buy myself, so she ends up giving me money, with a few token bits like your mum got you.

Did you give her your account details?

Doesn't sound that bad. They sound like things lots of people would like. This is why gift buying is so stressful

I get it. I have a significant birthday this year and I'm not expecting a lot from my mum as she barely shows much thought towards me and takes me for granted.

My DBs same birthday was 2 years ago and he got a weekend away, several meals out and a £1k+ sound system.

I'm not materialistic and don't ask for anything but I know I will be disappointed if she makes no effort at all which is what I'm expecting and sounds like what you were expecting and received. I'm guessing you don't have the greatest relationship with your mum either.

I think you are hurt because for some reason she seems to be avoiding acknowledging your special occasion, and you think that's because she doesn't want to celebrate you. I think it's more likely that it is somehow triggering for her - maybe it's making her feel her mortality, that her baby is now your age, or something bad happened to her when she was that age. Or if she generally avoids birthdays there may be something around that

You are not telling the truth by saying you would have been happier with nothing, I feel.

You downplayed it and your mum downplayed her gift, but she wanted to give you money as well as a few bits she picked up in the supermarket.

It's not extravagant, but I don't care about birthday gifts and this would be fine for me, I wouldn't want my mum to spend time and money picking something out, but that's because I'm middle-aged, have my own money and tend to buy what I want for myself these days, so receiving bigger fancier gifts isn't interesting to me now.

I don't think this is bad, I think it's a shame she didn't make an effort on the day itself, unless you did something else with your family and didn't invite her round.

Thoughtful gift giving is thinking about what the person would really want, especially for a big birthday. This is exactly what she hasn't done, she's bought some generic tat and a very strange choice of book. I would have been very insulted by the book! Fair enough if you talk about cleaning a lot but otherwise, just no.

I agree @ThePearlSloth , it's the lack of thought and effort that's hurtful. I can't imagine doing something like this on one of my daughter's big birthdays.

My mum is terrible with gifts. But she’s terrible with gifts for everyone so while it used to be disappointing, I know it’s not personal and don’t let it bother me. It would be lovely to have a mum who really knew me and what I liked but she isn’t like that. She hates shopping and is completely unmaterialistic. She would genuinely think what your mum got you was a good present.

Having been through similar with MiL that was my first thought too

Close family recently gave me a book about a hobby I don't have. It found it really upsetting, so I fully understand.
I look every so often and think 'wtf?!'

its ok, I expected lots of people to say I’m ungrateful. I put it on mumsnet to get all perspectives. There is a backstory and we haven’t had the best relationship. Thanks for all the thoughtful and non-judgey responses, I appreciate it ♥️

Also - if you really want to give someone birthday money, you don't say after their birthday "I was going to give you money but didn't have your account details". You get the account details in advance.
All of it points to her just not being bothered.

Why do people always say they aren't bothered about getting gifts and act like they weren't expecting anything and then get their knickers in a twist when they get given a present that they don't like? If you weren't expecting it anyway then what's the issue? Personally I love the things you were gifted but alas we are all different.
As it goes I would be quite happy never to receive another gift again if it meant I also didn't need to buy them for others as I find it all quite stressful and expensive. It causes nothing but issues and you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I'd say 'thanks Mum for the card. Did you mean to leave your shopping here?'

I get it, I have a difficult relationship with my mum too and it’s definitely something she would do. She is very self centred. I have learned not to expect anything anymore. Sorry for the disappointment.

What has her previous present buying been like? With my mum I never expected anything special for my birthday, not because she didn’t care (she did), but she was very (very) frugal when it came to presents. As an adult I don’t think she ever spent more than £20 on me even for big birthdays. There was no disappointment as I had zero expectations.