To think this gift was an insult

[ThePearlSloth]

I realise I probably sound very ungrateful so please let me know if I really am being ungrateful or if IABR.

it was recently a big birthday. I’m not hugely into gifts and don’t demand a present and a fuss. A very close family member (don’t want to id them too closely) but have known them my entire life let’s just say, did not see me on my birthday but said they had gifts for me. I said no problem I’m not expecting anything. I saw them a week after my birthday and they had forgotten the gifts. Again I wasn’t bothered. A couple of weeks after my birthday and they popped in with a bag of gifts that contained, unwrapped, a gift pack of toiletries from the supermarket; a tea light holder; some joss sticks; and a random book about housecleaning. There was a card which said they would pop some money in my account but they didn’t know my account number.

so… I was genuinely upset that a very close family member had thought this was a nice present for a big birthday. It was late, unwrapped, money not even in card and the actual gifts were cheap and looked like they were the first things seen in the supermarket.

Family member is very comfortably off and has no need to scrimp, but it wasn’t the cost so much as the lack of thought that upset me. Aibu?

You can't say you're "not hugely into presents" and "don't demand a fuss", and then repeatedly tell her you're "not expecting anything" and it's not a problem... only to be annoyed by the gift she did get you.

My mum got me a box of teabags on my last birthday, and I was delighted. Because I genuinely am not into presents and don't want a fuss. I'm absolutely rubbish at buying presents for other people too, so I don't feel it's reasonable to hold others to higher expectations than I am able to live up to myself.

I'm not saying you should be happy with a box of teabags, just that you shouldn't keep telling people you're not bothered about presents if you actually are.

I think you are being unreasonable, but thanks for making me remember my nan, now long dead.

Throughout my teens, in the 1980s, she’d always give me a bag of unwrapped stuff (face cleanser, body sprays, tights, shampoo) and a tenner for Christmas and birthday.

I enjoyed the gifts and appreciated them.
In my view, you can care too much about wrapping and presentation.

Gifts also don’t have to be on THE DAY, friends and I often miss by a few weeks and no one gives a flying fuck.

Dramatic or what 😆😆😆

Gifting can be passive aggressive and I think you are entitled to feel annoyed.

I got given a stress penis by my teenage son. A jumper from adult dd. That has no hope in hell of fitting me.

I hope that last bit is in reference to the jumper! 😳😅

A gift is a gift. What's wrong with a box of supermarket toiletries? I'll have them if you don't want them!
The income of the giver is irrelevant to the cost of the gift, I think.

Some people are just crappy at present buying. Highlights from my mum when I was a teenager were a box of skewers for corn on the cob (kind of useful but honestly what would a 19 yr old split between uni accommodation and home need with them) and one of those little comb things for cleaning the hair out of your hairbrush 😂
just give her your bank details and take the cash! and maybe a nice bath with the toiletries/tea light

My niece received a Christmas gift from her grandmother that consisted of a paper bag with a collection of china thimbles and another bag containing hotel soaps.shampoos etc.
She was 7

I would have loved that!

Years ago my partners sister unusually brought a birthday gift over for me. It was a microwave pot that had been reduced to 30p!! I do not know how I kept a straight face or said thank you.
Do you think she hated me? The only thing I remember was the red and white reduction label.
She was well off btw.

I am similarly somewhat mixed up in my attitudes to birthday presents - I am 75% absolutely not bothered and 25% "this is your opportunity to show that I am loved". It's a recipe for disappointment and I know I should acknowledge the 25%, and I suggest you should too. Don't say you're not bothered if you really are.
I would also have been hurt but it's just the little girl in you. Recognise it and move on.

🤣

I would sometimes prefer people to not bother at all, especially when they say "I've got your present" and then when you eventually get it they have left the receipt in the bag from the day they give you it!

Sounds like recycled gifts to me

Hahaha 😆 😂

Without the back story, I would be happy with this. Presumably you can buy something memorable with the money and the other presents I personally would like as useful.

i wouldn’t consider it a significant birthday unless young like 18/21 type thing,

I wouldn’t read too much into it, esp. because you said you did not want a fuss. Ask for what you want.

My colleague gave me for a retirement present a bouquet of crocheted flowers (no they did not make them themselves). I was gracious if a bit bemused, and found out the ‘flowers’ were from amazon and exchanged them for a gift certificate which I used on groceries. The colleague is a sweetie and was just trying to be nice.

If the fungus book was Entangled Live by Merlin Sheldrake, then it's bloody brilliant.

(I know that wasn't the point)

That's the one! I know MN and parts of the media were in raptures over this book. I tried to read it but 😴. It also got a bit weird when he called fungus reproduction sexy. I admire his passion, but the book was not for me at all. I also hated Small Pleasures by Clare Chambers (I think) - another one MN loved. I also really dislike a certain author MNetters adore, but I know they are sometimes on here so won't mention their name 😬. I could go all day. You or any number of MNetters declaring a book "bloody brilliant" does not it bloody brilliant make 😂

I didn’t get the money though. When she saw I was upset she argued at first but then went to the cash point and tried to give me cash (£100). I said I didn’t want it. I’d already given the other things back to her and said give them to a slight acquaintance as that’s how it felt. I know how petty it sounds but there’s a long and difficult relationship behind this gift episode and this feels like the nail in the coffin. When I think back to all the arguments we’ve had over serious issues it seems almost funny that in the end it all boiled down to some joss sticks and a tea light holder 😬😫

again, thanks for all the replies, especially the one about the stress penis 🤣