To think this gift was an insult

[ThePearlSloth]

I realise I probably sound very ungrateful so please let me know if I really am being ungrateful or if IABR.

it was recently a big birthday. I’m not hugely into gifts and don’t demand a present and a fuss. A very close family member (don’t want to id them too closely) but have known them my entire life let’s just say, did not see me on my birthday but said they had gifts for me. I said no problem I’m not expecting anything. I saw them a week after my birthday and they had forgotten the gifts. Again I wasn’t bothered. A couple of weeks after my birthday and they popped in with a bag of gifts that contained, unwrapped, a gift pack of toiletries from the supermarket; a tea light holder; some joss sticks; and a random book about housecleaning. There was a card which said they would pop some money in my account but they didn’t know my account number.

so… I was genuinely upset that a very close family member had thought this was a nice present for a big birthday. It was late, unwrapped, money not even in card and the actual gifts were cheap and looked like they were the first things seen in the supermarket.

Family member is very comfortably off and has no need to scrimp, but it wasn’t the cost so much as the lack of thought that upset me. Aibu?

Aww, sorry OP. Is this unusual for her? Is all well with her?

Yes that’s a bit rubbish from a Mum.

They panicked, they were in a hurry- yes they weren’t thoughtful but they were something. I think you’re more into birthdays than you think!!!!

I'd be upset if that's what my mum had got me too.

Is it typical for her? Is she perhaps struggling somehow?

You say you’re not bothered about receiving gifts, and you’ve shared this sentiment with the other person.
But you’re clearly very bothered about these gifts not meeting the expectations of what you think you deserve for your ‘big birthday’. Enough to start a MN thread!!

Therefore my vote is you are being unreasonable for having a high level of self-entitlement and especially for being two-faced about it.

Yep, it's pretty shit.

I’d be upset if it was my mum but not if it’s was an aunt or grandparent.

If it was anyone else but a 'close family member' I'd say, oh well, they know I don't care much for presents and don't like a fuss.
From a close family member, it sure does sound a bit off hand and without much thought put into it.
A book on housekeeping? A not so hidden message there? Hmmm.....
As other pp have said, better to not give as in a physical gift, than some tacky last-minute throw togethers.
Better if they had taken you out for coffee and dessert or some other treat like that.

My brother sent me a man's watch for my 50th birthday, a great big clunky metal item that swamped my tiny wrist. It was either an unwanted gift from his 50th the year before and/or a 'that'll do" gift. But then he's always treated me with contempt, the dick😁

Totally understand your upset about the gift from your mum. Is she always so thoughtless?

Aw OP … that actually made me tear up. I can feel how upset you are just from that one sentence. I’m sorry, that’s really rubbish and I’d be hurt too. Och I'm sorry that’s happened, that would hurt.

I'm so confused
If you 'didn't care about the gifts" so why you feel insulted and even a whole post about it?
If you really not cared you would have laughed it off and use the gifts or give to the charity shop instead of making such a big deals out of it

My dad got me a paper weight for my 8th Christmas. 🥴

Ah I see it was your mum. A huge back story then. So you cared. It is ok to adbot it to yourself

I get where you are coming from. It was late, thoughtless and appeared to be a pain in the arse tick list item for them, without any thought to put into it as that is what you are worth. I have had this for years so my expectations are managed now. I asked for a diary for Christmas once (hoping for a deluxe one) and got a £4.99 WHSmith cheapo one (from a close family member).

A bottle of wine would have been better. A random book about house cleaning I would have taken as a hint they thought my house was dirty.

Donate them to a charity shop and remember it is Christmas soon so just match the effort.

It’s not very thoughtful. I’d rather get a card and voucher than buts chucked in a bag. It’s the lack of thought that hurts. DH is like this and it’s because he just can’t think of others only himself!

totally thoughtless and insulting @ThePearlSloth

Re-gift to her for Christmas? 🙈

OP, do you buy thoughtful gifts for your mum on her birthday?

Then the family member shouldn’t have bought anything in the first place.

I think one can say they don’t want anything and be disappointed at the same time when someone buys them a gift anyway and it is a sh*t one.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

The worst people to buy gifts for are those who say they aren’t bothered. Your Mum has tried, and has said this isn’t the whole gift. I think you should thank her, give her your bank details and indicate what you would like to do with the money, just tell her you will put it towards something you want, whether that’s the new Sally Rooney novel, a dressing gown or a fortnight in Barbados.if you want to improve your gift changes going forwards, you could also tell her you were a bit hurt by her slightly random/ low effort selection, but that on reflection saw the fault was yours for saying you weren’t bothered. I give my adult children money, unless they’ve asked for something specific, but I’ve been known to include a small gift like supermarket glasses, or flowers. I won’t going forwards.

Gift exchanges

lol her mum didn’t try, she chucked stuff in a bag from a supermarket dash. Give over. Op it’s okay to think it’s crap. You’re gonna get all the pious heads posting now.

Not an insult. I get fed up of getting many choices wrong. Buying for children is a pleasure. Adults..nooo. I have also been given so many things I don’t want.I hate candles, have more scarves than I could ever wear and four new books bought for me that I don’t want to read. Your mum was being kind and you are not.

lol her mum wasn’t kind. It takes nothing to just wrap it up or put some thought in.

And it looks like it was still a last minute purchase when she was already very late giving it. Almost like she bought it on the way, from a shop she was just passing. Perhaps she really couldn't think of anything to get you so in the end thought she better get anything, with the promise of some money to come.

My mother is an awful gift giver. It's a combination of being stingy and not really being interested in other people. She gave me a teatowel and an oven glove for my 40th birthday, £50 for my 50th and precisely nothing this year. I was very hurt to start with, but now I expect nothing.