Can't stop thinking about him

[80schild1]

Married for 20 years to dh. Recently met a (single) guy at ds's sports club, we get on well. He knows I'm married. I like him, a lot! Like I can't stop thinking about him, fantasising, pleasuring over him to the point where I dont want to be intimate with dh as I know I will just be thinking about him. I keep hoping this feeling will pass, it's been 2 months now though.
I guess my aibu question is.. is this really wrong of me? I don't want to feel this way but I can't stop thinking about him.. He's asked if we want to have a play date away from sports club and I know it's a bad idea but I really want to.

This is a terrible idea. You need to protect your marriage.

The thing to do is to work out what you are getting from this new guy and find a way to get that safely in your own married life.

Well he's single so he's going to keep badgering you. You know the difference between right and wrong. Whats a play date? A quick shag?

If thinking about your marriage isn’t enough, think about your son. How old is your son? Why is the other guy at the club - is he with his child?

Ds is 4, same as his ds. They do get on so well together so I wasn't really thinking his playdate invite was anything more than that?
I'm physically attracted to him so much more than dh.
I want to stop this feeling and think the only way is to stop ds going this club but that's not fair on him?

So stop it, OP. Distract yourself every time he pops into your head, change sports clubs, no play dates, stop using him as wank fodder. You are making all these choices and continue to indulge. So stop it.

Your poor DH.

Your DS is 4. He will very quickly get over a sports club.

@80schild1 can your husband always take your son? Or even better, stop the club. Find another.

’They do get on so well together so I wasn't really thinking his playdate invite was anything more than that?’

Of course you were. You both were. You’ve got everything to lose. He’s got nothing to lose.

The issue is as women we tend to fall in love/lust with a fantasy. You are pleasuring yourself, daydreaming of him. Your brain is not only making up stories about a man that isn't actually real, you are rewarding it with dopamine.

My advice, either go on the play date and make a conscious effort to realise you are acting like a teenager. Look for and acknowledge his flaws and faults and consider why you've felt this need and what you need to work on in your own marriage.

Or pull your son out of the hobby or get your DH to take him.

Carrying on the way you are is going to make you lovesick over a man who is probably incredibly average, an arse and if he does try to pursue you as a married woman, you know he has no morals and is a bad person (as you would also be).

Much better as a fantasy!

He farts you know 😉

It's normal to bump into someone you really fancy, but as pp said you have to fight for your marriage, you have DS to think of.

Fantasies are fine and normal, taboo but normal, write a few bits of erotica if it helps!

Thank you for this. I nodded all the way through reading it.
I think I came on here hoping to hear that others had been in a similar situation but that it had passed like I'm hoping it does

It's just a crush. Keep it yourself and it will go in time.

Try and channel the energy and effort into marriage - you'll be surprised to find it becomes reciprocal.

If none of this happens you have to consider the future of your marriage carefully.

@80schild1 I'm in the same situation with a man who could have written this.

I've had a couple of crushes since being married but I've absolutely known that I'd never cheat on DH because I'm very much still in love with him, know that he loves me, and we have a great relationship. He's also my best friend. I think the men I've "fallen" for could easily have ended as my husband if I had been single and of course I flatter myself that they felt the same. We meet many people we connect with and are attracted to, nobody would ever meet a partner otherwise.

Having a crush is totally normal IMO, just ignore and carry on. My experience was that I quickly refocused and began to see the crush as just any other male friend or colleague. I don't think you'll even need to stop DS hobby. How about you accept the play date but take DH along or get DH to take DS solo?

Forget it

Limerance…it will pass

It’s a crush, lust and it’ll pass. Don’t be stupid. Your DC’s whole world is you and your DH. Protect your marriage at all costs.

Agreed. Poor children of unfaithful parents - life forever damaged because the grown ups who brought them into the world didn’t put them first.

*not saying all parents have to stay together despite anything (obviously) - but in cases like this, where it’s a childish crush and lives would be ruined. For what.

So I avoided sex with dh again last night. I'm just so worried I'll be thinking of this other guy and then that'll make it even worse somehow.

I would hate it if this was dh obsessing over another woman. The guilt is eating me up.

Around about the same time I met this guy dh had done something so selfish (not cheated) which caused big arguments and I was hurt at the time and then this guy comes along, and you are all right, makes me feel like a giddy teenager😔

I’ve had similar experiences. It is totally normal to occasionally meet someone you feel a connection with. And fantasy can be fun - it doesn’t make you a terrible person! However, it is just that - fantasy - but potential damage is real.
I’ve been open with DH about crushes in the past (he has been too) and as we’ve managed to not be hideously jealous, and neither of us has ever acted on anything, it’s kind of brought us closer. Have you seen the episode of Motherland where Julia gets a crush on her builder?!
things that helped me are, absolutely prioritising your kids feelings, reconnecting with your sense of your adult (not teenage!) self - and working on your sex life with your husband.
Just say no to the play date - do it now - it is not an option.

I mean I probably wouldn’t be open with your DH that you’re avoiding sex with him cos of this guy! But maybe work on your intimacy - tell him things you want to do. Think about things you like about him. Get back in the mood with him.

Just re read this, it's such a good post. There probably are underlying issues with your DH if you're feeling like this, but separate them out from this man who you don't actually know.

Crushes can be really overwhelming Op, I get it. I’ve got adhd, and they tend to be worse for us! I become all consumed by them, convince myself of all sorts, conjure up different fictitious scenarios with them. I’ve also always managed to pull myself out of them, and never over stepped the mark with DH. I recommend just not seeing him, I know it’s hard, and time will pass and you will just forget about him.

Incidentally, has the gym guy ever actually made any kind of move or let you know he’s interested? He may feel mortified you feel this way and for him it’s just 2 parents hanging out for their kids. Try focusing on that too. What made one of mine worse, was I knew he was interested, that fuelled it a bit.