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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't stop thinking about him

134 replies

80schild1 · 05/10/2024 21:28

Married for 20 years to dh. Recently met a (single) guy at ds's sports club, we get on well. He knows I'm married. I like him, a lot! Like I can't stop thinking about him, fantasising, pleasuring over him to the point where I dont want to be intimate with dh as I know I will just be thinking about him. I keep hoping this feeling will pass, it's been 2 months now though.
I guess my aibu question is.. is this really wrong of me? I don't want to feel this way but I can't stop thinking about him.. He's asked if we want to have a play date away from sports club and I know it's a bad idea but I really want to.

OP posts:
imverynosey · 07/10/2024 18:16

Mistysunshine · 07/10/2024 15:38

You're making this into a far bigger deal than it needs to be. It isn't a choice between shagging this man or 'cutting all contact'. Keep going to the sports activity while it's being paid for, drop off your DS and pick him up at the end. If that's not possible, go and sit with someone else and talk to them instead. If he brings up the playdate again, invite him out with you, DH and DS - 'great idea, DH and I are taking DS to ....this weekend, why don't you and your DS come along?' You certainly don't need to be having any conversations about why you can't trust yourself around him - you absolutely know where that would lead, be honest with yourself.

After wanking over him? She should spare her poor husband the embarrassment

PassingStranger · 07/10/2024 18:52

Mistysunshine · 07/10/2024 15:38

You're making this into a far bigger deal than it needs to be. It isn't a choice between shagging this man or 'cutting all contact'. Keep going to the sports activity while it's being paid for, drop off your DS and pick him up at the end. If that's not possible, go and sit with someone else and talk to them instead. If he brings up the playdate again, invite him out with you, DH and DS - 'great idea, DH and I are taking DS to ....this weekend, why don't you and your DS come along?' You certainly don't need to be having any conversations about why you can't trust yourself around him - you absolutely know where that would lead, be honest with yourself.

Actually if it's limerance then it is best not to see the person.

Original poster
80schild1 · 07/10/2024 18:58

Cheesyfootballs01 · 07/10/2024 17:59

OP you haven’t answered mine and other posters questions about why you can’t drop your son and sit in the car for 40mins? Or sit with the other parents instead of sitting with this guy?

Sorry, because he's only 4 not quite 5 yet and the club should really be 5+
It's a rugby club and has a 12 month waiting list as it has a good reputation so it's very popular.
They said he could start as turning 5 soon and could end up waiting another year if not.
No other parents seem to leave, I'm not sure if it's allowed.

OP posts:
Original poster
80schild1 · 07/10/2024 19:22

40YearOldDad · 07/10/2024 16:36

I like to read when women are 'sticking together,' but I dread thinking about what would have been said if this was a man talking this way- or if you'd come here looking for advice after your husband said all this to you.

Being attracted to someone is normal, wanking over them while not having sex with your partner is borderline. A harmless, flirty comment is okay; who doesn't like to think they are still attractive to the opposite/same sex? But not stopping it after much more than that, again, borderline.

As for a guy chasing/flirting with a married woman, he's only in it for the chase, to prove to himself that he can still turn heads, even of married women. Heck, you may even be an easier target being married, especially as it sounds like he knows you're pretty much ready to shag him. Sorry if that's a little harsh.

As for posting here, it sounds more like you're looking for justification to shag this guy than being talked out of it. But don't blame your husband for driving back drunk as a reason you think this is okay.

No I don't think that's harsh. I'm fairly certain he doesn't lose any sleep over me. And I agree he more than likely does know I fancy him so sees me

I dont know what it is I'm saying though that makes some think I'm here for justification to shag him, I'm not. A pp asked if anything had happened between me and dh recently and the drink driving did really cause big issues for us. But in no way would I say that's justification for cheating. I'm not going to cheat on him.

My issue is that I can't stop thinking about him. Just that. I know it's wrong / more than just finding another person attractive, because it's affecting my intimacy with my dh. I'm guilty of liking the attention and not shutting it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
80schild1 · 07/10/2024 19:40

imverynosey · 07/10/2024 18:16

After wanking over him? She should spare her poor husband the embarrassment

Show quote history

I understand its a bit close to home to masturbate over someone who is within reach and not a celeb or dh or whilst watching porn but I don't actively sit thinking of this guy and then go and pleasure myself because I've been thinking of him.
He just comes in to my head whilst I am and that's why I'm worried about having sex with dh and the same thing happening because I think that would feel wrong.
I'm not sure why you think I'm disgusting.

OP posts:
Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 07/10/2024 20:30

You are talking like you have no choice over this . You may not be able to choose not to find him very attractive but you can choose not to act on it . You have no reason to remove your child from their activity or to tell your husband about this as nothing has actually happened, but you probably do need to address the issues with your DH ( and drinking driving would be huge for me ) and if you want to stay together then work on these .

Original poster
80schild1 · 07/10/2024 21:16

@Missmarplesknittingbuddy I'm not going to act on it. I know I have a choice about whether or not to cheat on my dh and I wouldn't do that.

It's worried me how much I'm thinking about this man and how much I'm attracted to him. Not worried that I think I'll sleep with him, more that it means there are issues with me or with me and dh. And if anyone else has had it and it's just worked itself out and they got over it eventually.

The drink driving made me see dh in a different way so angry, and now just so disappointed (and still angry in all honesty) but that's probably for a different thread.

OP posts:
imverynosey · 08/10/2024 06:13

@80schild1 sorry for pre judging earlier, my partner also came in drunk and had drove. Home recently and I too, am still fuming. I know it makes you see people in a different light as it's like where's the respect?

Disgusting was harsh and my apologies for that. X

whatrthechances · 08/05/2025 21:13

@80schild1 How are things now op did you move on and manage to forget this man?
I was in a very similar situation and unfortunately took things further and acted on my feelings for the guy and had a short fling. I wasn't married but was in a long term very stale relationship. Our fling was discovered and it caused a huge amount of damage to everyone's lives.
I totally regret what I did, it was a complete moment of madness and no man had ever made me feel like he did, the attraction was so intense like id never experienced before. I was mid 40s at the time and he did make me feel like a teenager. It's no excuse but I do think peri meno played a huge part in the such intense sexual attraction i had towards him.

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