Can't stop thinking about him

[80schild1]

Married for 20 years to dh. Recently met a (single) guy at ds's sports club, we get on well. He knows I'm married. I like him, a lot! Like I can't stop thinking about him, fantasising, pleasuring over him to the point where I dont want to be intimate with dh as I know I will just be thinking about him. I keep hoping this feeling will pass, it's been 2 months now though.
I guess my aibu question is.. is this really wrong of me? I don't want to feel this way but I can't stop thinking about him.. He's asked if we want to have a play date away from sports club and I know it's a bad idea but I really want to.

I do play devil's advocate in my head and let the tape play so to speak. I tell myself if I just sleep with him once it will take that desire or urge away and I'll realise he isn't all that. But I know deep down it wouldn't just be once. And I know I couldn't live with the guilt of having an affair and I would end up telling dh and I'd end up alone and a single parent and will have broken dhs heart. I wouldn't risk that.

I will be seeing him again on Wednesday and I know he will ask about the playdate. If I say I'm busy and he pushes for another day, week etc..Do I tell him why I can't? I feel this would then open up a conversation that I don't want to have with him.

@80schild1 God no. Don’t tell him why. None of his fucking business why you don’t want a play date. The kids see each other at this activity and you’re busy with other things too. Enough of this.

Imagine him being a Corbynite/Reforner/Trumpster, whatever puts you off. There must be something. Imagine sleeping with him and finding out afterwards he’s a bellend. Give yourself till Xmas, I promise you it’ll have cooled down by then.

How about you stop thinking with your fanny for 5 minutes and put your children's lives ahead of your own genital gratification?

Yes go on shag him and ruin your marriage.
It's OK to think about people but it dosent mean you should act on it.

Everyone keeps saying its just a crush but its not you're emotionally cheating on your husband, you're daydreaming scenario's and masturbating to another man while actively shutting out your husband. You know he will be devastated at your actions and your still actively pursing a friendship with this other man and putting your self on his radar. You should have shut it down the minute you started masturbating. Your also a hypocrite as you've said it would be heartbreaking if your husband did the same. Do better, be a better wife and mother, your husband deserves that at the very least. Speak to your husband, communication is key. Pull your kid from the hobby or tell Mr Potential Homewrecker you dont think the friendship is appropriate and keep your distance from him. I feel so sorry for your husband, he's probably wondering what on earth he's done for you to push him away. If the roles were reveresed MN would have had the male on a burning stake for it.

You don't know the real him.

It's just fantasy.

Agree, op try thinking about him on the bog or picking his nose that will turn you off.

No, you don't tell him. You quietly distance yourself. A polite smile and then walk away or look at your phone or talk to your child.

Give him some dates that your husband can do. Tell him it’s good that he’s actively involved in his son’s social activities and that your husband is the same, so whilst unfortunately you are not free outside of the activity it’s great that the two dads will be able to arrange a meet up for the kids.

How long does the activity take? Could you run an errand during that time, finish reading a book for your book club, chat to other people etc. You don’t have to spend time with him. Isn’t it becoming obvious to others, and isn’t that also a reason for concern? The main concern is obviously a moral one for you and your marriage, rather than gossip.

I had this ridiculous crush on a guy in our street few years ago, it only started by him staring at me and saying smiley hello and I got absolutely mad about him to the point that in a heavy snow I was peeking in our garage to see him arriving in his car daily!

We never even spoke , only said polite hello once a week or less but I was fantasising about him for long months or even year!
Then one day my friend was picking me up from my house in her car and as we drove past his house he was outside, staring at my friend and smiling at her ( he didn’t see me in the car) than I realised he is probably like this with every female and I felt so angry and embarrassed by this stupid crush.
Oh and he was actually married which I thought he was single as rarely saw his wife..
He is gone now, they moved away some time ago..

The class is only 40 minutes. And yes I do feel like others probably think there is something going on or that one of us must fancy the other.

I know some pps have said I've already made my mind up and I'm going to just sleep with him anyway but I'm not. I can't bear this guilt let alone the guilt I'd have if I did physically do anything.

I think this is a bit harsh! I mean I agree in principle but I think you can be a bit more forgiving to yourself op. We are all allowed secret fantasies as long as they remain “in your own head”.

We all meet people at work we find attractive and there’s nothing wrong with that!

I have been married a long time and I know that I have fantasised about other men occasionally and I am sure dh has fantasised about other women. That is healthy! Happily there are no thought police in the UK!

Two things though:

~you have posted here bc you have seen a red flag in your own behaviour and know that you are about to enter tricky waters if you go any further. So you are drawing a line by telling others on here. And that’s a good step. This thread will hopefully allow you to work through your feelings. I think you know what you have to do. A 4 year old will suffer much more from having his parents split up than missing out on a play date! And no it’s not a good idea to explain why you are refusing it to the man concerned! Just remove yourself from the danger zone.

~Maybe get a baby-sitter and take some time away with your dh and reconnect with him on a physical level without the pressure of parenthood. As you say, this situation has highlighted what you are missing. Try and work out what is lacking in your own marriage to make you vulnerable to these sorts of fantasies. Trying to work through your anger and resentment at your dh’s selfishness might be a good start. Maybe you need a mediator or counsellor to help you do this but you definitely need to communicate with him some more instead of shutting him out.

~you know in yourself that if this bloke is pursuing you, knowing you are married with dc, then he is not a decent person and likely to cause nothing but heartache.

Good luck!

But not enough guilt to put a stop to communicating with him?
Are you not embarassed at yourself?
Do you agree that what your doing is cheating on your husband ?

Obviously don’t do anything but it’s normal to have crushes every now and then.

Can you elaborate why you think this is harsh?
She's not keeping the fantasy in her head though its affecting her marraige and she's actively pushing her husband away and the only reason she's not jumped on the bloke, is out of guilt, she's 1 step away from literally shagging the man.
Of course we all find a member of the opposite sex attractive and think i wouldnt kick him out of my bed, we dont all masturbate to them while with holding intamacy from our spouse. She's actively seeking out this man weekly, do you not see a problem with that ? What would your stance be if it was your spouse doing it to you ?

Can you elaborate why you think this is harsh?

Well I am old I guess and tend to think that a less punitive and more forgiving outlook; for oneself as well as others, has a better outcome in the long term.

People of the opposite sex have been attracted to one another for thousands of years. It happens. The actions are what is important.

And so far op HAS kept this private in her own head. And she didn’t seek this guy out. He is at a weekly activity attended by her son.

She and her dh are distant anyway because of something selfish that he did. She may be pushing him away further but it’s not as if the problems weren’t there to begin with!

It’s a tale as old as the hills!

Op has come on here in good faith asking for help and advice because she knows she is in danger. Give her the benefit of the doubt for heaven’s sake and have a bit of compassion! Being married a long time is not all champagne and stars! She would not be posting if she didn’t care, she would have gone ahead and been unfaithful without posting on Mumsnet about it!

😂

I understand where you are coming from. And in all honestly I probably am only one step away from shagging him that's why I'm scared and that's why I came on here. I know it's wrong, I don't want to feel like this. And yes I am being a hypocrite.
Do I feel like I've cheated, no but I do feel it's very borderline. I haven't text him, I haven't ever spoke about feelings with him, I've not confided in him about any issues me and dh might have. But I have probably indirectly let him know I like him.

I know I sound pathetic trust me and I know I need to stop seeing him.

Age has nothing to do with this, nor has the length of a marriage!
She says he did something selfish but no elaboration, did he spend the grocery money, gamble, do a line of coke, leave her waiting for a lift because he didnt cheat, her marriage has issues so she's fixated on a man thats shown her some interest and tbh any bloke thats hitting on a married woman is a pos and this is who she's fantasising about.
You say she's keeping it in her head and its about actions, Her actions has been to refuse any intimacy with her husband because of another man not any other issues in her marriage. How is that keeping it in her head ?
Instead of trying to fix the issues in her marriage she's wanting another man. She is actively searching out this man as she's making a point of spending time with him each week, if she truly didnt want to take it further and felt guilty she would have distanced herself from him, I'm sure theres other parents she can spend the 40 mins a week with or read a book.
You didnt answer the question on what your stance would be if it was your spouse doing this to you ? She knows her husband would be devastated if he found out and she would be the same if her husband was obsessing over another woman, she's admitted the only reason she's not shagging the other bloke is because one time would not be enough. Like i said before if roles were reveresed and she said her husband was doing this everyone would be raising hell. Her husband has no idea his wife is a few steps away from blowing up their whole life.

You do sound pathetic.

You meet this man for 40 mins a week and you are one step away from shagging him….. seriously?!?

Just stop flirting oh sorry, “chatting” with him and either talk to someone else or go and sit in your car.

Several years ago, I worked closely with someone on a project I was consulting on. I'd met him before professionally, when we were both married, but not thought much about him other than that he was very good looking. A few years later, we ended up working on this very intense project. He was divorced by then, also smart and funny and creative and hardworking and sexy and I got the sense he saw me the same way. I thought about him a lot, like a major teenaged crush. When the project wrapped, we all went out for a big celebratory dinner (both away from home) and afterwards, he told me that he didn't want to mess up anything in my life, but was very attracted to me and just wanted to let me know.

When it went from being in my head to possibly being something real, I knew I needed to step away, so I said something like thanks for telling me. I didn't want to say anything similar back because that felt like it would be a betrayal of my husband. I went home and put some real energy into my marriage, which was good, but definitely sighing a little under the stress of 3 kids, 2 dogs and 2 pretty intense careers. I'm not saying the feelings went away overnight, but they did go. I've seen him since and still think he's very attractive, but didn't feel that same pull.

Something that really helped was trying to look at my husband through different eyes - as though it was him and another woman in the situation I was in. I'm positive quite a few women over the years have also seen him as smart and funny and creative and successful and hardworking and sexy, all of which he is. He's also a great husband and father, which I suspect the other guy might not be, or he most likely wouldn't have ended up divorced.

One thing I would say @80schild1 is that I think masturbating over him while not having sex with your husband is edging dangerously close to an emotional affair. I don't think there's anything terrible in general about having sexual thoughts about other people, but in your shoes, I'd shut that down.

You can float along on circumstances but after a while it starts to become about making choices and decisions.

I feel so sorry for your husband. You have crossed a line and you know it. You have flirted with this man to the point he knows your easy pickings and one push and he'll have you in his bed any man thats hitting on a married woman is a piece of shit. You don't sound pathetic you are pathetic, you're a grown woman contemplating an affair with your sons friends dad, how cliche. You need to give your head a wobble stop thinking with your vagina and shut this shit down.

I could have slept with him by now, I'm pretty sure of it. I saw him on a night out last weekend and I went to a different pub as I knew it was risky being around him especially whilst both fairly drunk.
The reason I did that is because I love my dh.
I know I've crossed a line. It was just harmless flirting to start with and now I can see it's not harmless anymore.
I am going to tell him that I can't go on the play date, the club is paid for until end of November, I will stop going after that. I trust myself enough to not jump on him in public.