Can't stop thinking about him

[80schild1]

Married for 20 years to dh. Recently met a (single) guy at ds's sports club, we get on well. He knows I'm married. I like him, a lot! Like I can't stop thinking about him, fantasising, pleasuring over him to the point where I dont want to be intimate with dh as I know I will just be thinking about him. I keep hoping this feeling will pass, it's been 2 months now though.
I guess my aibu question is.. is this really wrong of me? I don't want to feel this way but I can't stop thinking about him.. He's asked if we want to have a play date away from sports club and I know it's a bad idea but I really want to.

It’ll pass. In another couple of months you’ll feel embarrassed about it. The play date is a terrible idea at this stage.

yes - I read a really interesting post in here saying often a crush is more about feeling that the person sees you as you want to be seen - and we kind of tune in to that, and it is very seductive to our self esteem. So it’s actually about self-esteem and control over how our identities are perceived, not really that the object of the crush is particularly great themselves! I found that really useful.

Have there been issues in your marriage leading up to this? Wondering if you feel you're missing something with your husband which has caused your head to turn?
Could you talk to your husband about it?

Oh come on op. You’ve got a 4 yr old. Do you really want to blow up his life for a seedy shag? The “play date” is a fucking terrible idea.
If you are feeling resentment towards your dh then I suggest you get some couples counselling. Try to work through it and if you can’t, then separate amicably. Do not have a sordid affair with some bloke you don’t know to make yourself feel better, because in the end? It will just make you feel worse.

I was in a similar position. I carried on entertaining the thoughts, and although I never slept with the man, my marriage fell apart. Now, I’m completely on my own, in a difficult financial situation, only see my kids half the time, and filled with crippling regrets that I didn’t put a lid on it at the start. Worst of all, my poor kids got really badly affected. Please please stop seeing him!! The crush will pass.

Start having sex with your husband, it doesn't matter for now if you are thinking about him. You need to talk through what your DH did and you need to get romantically back on track. Stop fantasising and think about what life as a lone parent will be like. What family and friends will think of you after you've cheated. Imagine your DS going through the difficult teen years and screaming at you to STFU because you shagged someone behind his dad's back and changed his life (I know someone this happened to). People's memories are long. Have you made Christmas plans? Four is a lovely age, book stuff to do all together.

As a PP said, he’s a shit for pursuing a married woman. You have told him you’re married, right?

Being a single father might also be because he’s a shit. If he’s given you a sob story about that, you can’t take his word for it because you barely know him and because he’s the sort of bloke who pursues married women, so probably ok with lying.

He might look nice. The attention might be nice but if you’re contemplating cheating and blowing your family apart, find someone better to do it with. Or just don’t.

Just imagine him sitting on the toilet

@ChairmanMeowww He has made a few flirty comments and lingering looks when talking etc. I feel if I gave the green light he probably would. I still think the playdate invite was innocent. Or maybe I'm being naive.

Dh knows him (abit), he knows I see him and that we sit and talk every week. I told dh he had asked to go on a playdate. He raised his eyebrows but then the subject got changed and its not been mentioned again since.

If I tell dh how I feel, it will kill him. He will go mad. I think it would potentially end us. I don't want that.

Such wise words. We build up fantasies in our minds of people and they arent even accurate. In our imaginations, they behave exactly as we want them to but in real life they absolutely dont.

Eg. I am sure your fantasies of this man haven't ever involved him leaving the toilet smelly after a poo, or leaving dirty socks all over the floor, or being a workaholic, or seeing him shave his ballsack because it needs manscaping etc

He isnt some wondrous greek god, he's an average man. Take him down off his pedestal and start imagining him crapping his pants. That will soon allow his halo to fall off

Also- really recommend the book "the dreamer and the fantasy relationship" by Natalie Lue. Its an amazing book that describes very well how some of us are prone to daydreaming and why we build up such things in our minds.

I know I keep re-reading the post. It makes so much sense.

I have put him on this pedestal, when in reality he is just an average guy and the fantasies/scenarios in my head will be nothing like they are in real life. And I do keep telling myself if he is interested in me then he's an absolute shit for flirting with a married woman. But I'm worse for allowing it.

It's a fantasy in your head and nothing more. Yes, we do see people we find attractive and get a crush on - even when we're married. However, there is a big difference between a fantasy in your own mind, and actually acting upon it. Once you act upon it, that's a choice you are making. It becomes an affair, be it an emotional one or physical, or even both. He is single, he has absolutely nothing to lose, you on the other hand do. Think about things with a little logic, would you actually want a man, who knowing a woman is married, actively pursues her? Focus on your own marriage and son, not chasing a fantasy that is just a figment of your imagination!!

The thing that really worries me here is that you’re letting this crush impact on your intimacy with your DH. That is really unwise. Let him be the beneficiary of your fired up libido.

People differ on this but, personally, I don’t think it matters as if you’re sometimes running a fantasy in your head when you’re having sex with your partner. You’ve been together 20 years and given you have a 4 yo, it sounds like you got together pretty young. You don’t own each other’s thoughts. I think you’re on a much more slippery slope if you avoid sex with your DH - you’re removing the most intimate part of your connection because of your attraction to another man. Can you see how risky that is?

If everyone else ceased to be attractive when we commit, the vow to forsake all others wouldn’t be necessary. If you had endless crushes on other men, that might suggest a problem in your marriage but periodic crushes happen to many of us. The point of commitment is you do not act on those feelings by becoming involved with the other person. You keep things between yourself and your partner.

Many moons ago, I developed very strong feelings for a colleague. Nothing happened nor would it have done. It was a real eye-opener for me because my love for my DH was untouched and I had absolutely no desire to leave him. Those feelings took quite a long time to blow themselves out but they did.

Sorry we have been together for 20 years. On and off at the start for a couple of years. Married for 15 years. We have 2 dcs, one is 12 and one is 4 (5 next week)

@Dery You are right. At first when I started thinking about him it wasn't affecting my relationship with dh and I didn't see ia problem with it as I thought it would pass. But because I see him every week my feelings have grown. It's not feelings of love or anything it's just the desire to sleep with him. Which I know sounds absolutely pathetic.

Is it ok to think of someone else though whilst being intimate with dh..

OP- I had a similar situation. My marriage hit a rough patch and at the exact same time, a man came into my life through work and the attraction hit me like a ton of bricks. He was divorced, gorgeous, charming, successful, kind, sexy as hell and I started fantasising about him constantly. It was almost like there were three people in my marriage- me, DH, and him (in my imagination). I thought about him every single day. It was like torture.

Nothing ever happened between us but it was obvious the attraction was mutual. Our relationship never crossed a line, and always remained professional and friendly, but every time we had to meet for work it was like lightning flashing between us.

In my mind he was the perfect man- you wouldn't believe how perfect he was in my imagination. He became this shining rescuer figure at a time when I felt very very low.

As time went on, I started to see his faults in the cold light of day. Of course, none of us are perfect and I think it was so shocking to me purely because in my own mind I had built him up so much. Then, some stuff happened at work and I saw what he was really like. Dont get me wrong, he wasnt a bad or horrible person, but there were aspects of him I did not like at all and as I said, it was extra shocking because in my mind thats not the way he acted in my imagination. I suddenly realised that I had built this entire fantasy in my mind and none of it was actually true. That was the kick up the arse for me to stop it.

Happily, since then, DH and I have sorted out our issues (for which we were both at fault) and we are happier than ever. Sometimes I look at him now and think I am so lucky to have you, and the best part is, it's real.

As for the other man- he is still single and I now know why. I cringe when I think what could have happened in a moment of madness - if I had run off with him it would have crumbled within months because he was far more messed up than he had appeared at the time.

Do not be fooled by people who appear so wondrous - you have literally no idea what they are like in reality and it's very dangerous to let your imagination feed you a lie. Just because something is shiny, doesnt mean its gold.

@80schild1
“It's not feelings of love or anything it's just the desire to sleep with him. Which I know sounds absolutely pathetic.
Is it ok to think of someone else though whilst being intimate with dh..”

It doesn’t sound pathetic that you want to sleep with him. That’s what sexual attraction is. I really, really wanted to sleep with my crush. And actually I think a good way of measuring our love for our partners is that, despite feeling an attraction elsewhere, we don’t act on it. How would we ever know we’re capable of being faithful if we don’t occasionally fancy other people? It’s in situations like this that you truly find out whether you are committed. That wedding vow to forsake all others - that’s meant for this situation.

Personally, I think a bit of fantasy is okay in sex and I don’t think it matters if you occasionally think of other men when you have sex with your partner. After all - you’ve been together 20 years (and I’ve been with DH 25 years). That’s a lot of years and a lot of sex and you don’t want it to be identical every time. Some people dress up for sex; we had friends who had a doctor and nurse fantasy they liked to act out. Neither of them were medical professionals so they were effectively imagining that they were both different people. Is that really so different from occasionally imagining another man in place of your husband?

Not everyone will agree. There was a thread about this the other day and the posters were fairly equally divided between those like me, who think it’s okay, and those who don’t. If you’re unsure where you stand, the book “Her Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday is about female sexual fantasies and Gillian Anderson has just written a modern version of it. You might find it helpful to read one of those.

@MrFoxandtheslippers This has helped so much. How long did it take for you to get to this point?

Neither of us have actually come out and said anything openly but I'm fairly certain he's attracted to me (he's said it in a roundabout way). Or he could just be like this with all women. Which magnifies the point I actually don't truly known him. My head is just a complete mess.

I don't want to finish with my dh but this whole situation has highlighted that there is something missing I guess.

Say you do it, chances are he's just after one thing. It crashes, and you feel like crap. This spills over into your marriage, or your guilt gets the better of you anyway, and you tell DH. Relationship ends, single mum, now you have nothing.

That's probably the most likely outcome.

That's the question. If you lost your family, is the lust worth it?

We all get crushes don’t we? I quite fancy a couple of the dads at my son’s football. I bet in your fantasies he makes you feel desperately desired and sexy. Maybe after so long together that passion is missing from your relationship with DH. It might be time to work on that, and i know it’s hard to feel lustful sometimes for the bloke who leaves his socks beside the wash basket and dishes beside the dishwasher when you’ve spent all day in unsexy places like soft play. But that’s what people mean when they talk about the work of a marriage. You can let it slide, and get worse, and blow up your lives or you can double down on your love for your husband and child and try to get things fired up again between you.

@80schild1 - but it isn’t highlighting that there’s something missing. It’s a mistake to think that. When you’re in a very long-term relationship, you will occasionally be attracted to someone who seems shiny and new. It doesn’t happen to everyone but it happens to most people. It doesn’t mean there’s something missing in your main relationship. Look at it this way - if you’d been going through the daily grind for 20
years with this other guy, then your DH would be the one who looked shiny and new.

I was always very aware of this during my crush which lasted about two years. I don’t know if it was mutual. My crush and I got on very well. Maybe if we’d both been single we’d have dated. Maybe it could have been something. But we weren’t single. We both had spouses and families and there was absolutely no chance of it going anywhere. And whilst I wanted to sleep with him and fantasised about it, I still loved my DH very much and had no desire to be without my DH.

As @MeinKraft puts it - take this as a signal to focus on the couple side of your relationship with your DH.

I found myself in a very similar situation last year. DH and I have been together 17 years and although we love each other and get on great and are best friends, the 'zing' isn't what it was. When me and this guy chatted it was zing central. We made each other laugh, so much in common, I found myself wanting to be smart and clever and funny for him. Stark contrast to chatting with DH about whether to order a brown bin for the garden waste. Chars all day on Teams, then the occasional WhatsApp message, then messaging most nights. One day I looked back at the messages and, although you couldn't call them flirty, if I'd have seen that on DHs phone, I would have been really upset. So I had to slowly distance myself. Replied less often, became 'very busy' At work and it burned out as quickly as it started. But it happened because we were giving each other something neither was getting at home, and also because (IMO) it's impossible to still be fantasising about the man you're married to when you're masturbating!!! My suggestion would be to try to channel some of this energy into your marriage and try to re 'date' your husband.

All it’s highlighted is that yes you’ve been married for ages, might be a bit bored. This man sees you as interesting and fresh and you like that of course (who wouldn’t). Like it enough to throw away your marriage and your son’s happiness? End up with regrets like a PP above?

You won’t listen to anyone on here though, that’s only human nature. You’ll almost certainly go ahead and start a fling with this single man who has nothing to lose and is more than happy to mess up your life with your help.

Good luck because you’re in for a bumpy ride unless you nip it in the bud now.

Whenever I felt really really tempted and wondered whether I'd sleep with him, I used to 'play the tape til the end'. Yes, we'd sleep together and the sex would be amazing and we'd swear we'd only do it once but then we'd do it again and again and someone would get suspicious and inevitably we'd get found out and I'd have to sit in front of my crying, destroyed husband and admit what I'd done. He'd leave me, or he'd stay and I'd always know I'd been the one who broke him. And my life would be infinitely infinitely worse and my child would be the one who suffered most. And let me tell you, that was usually enough to kill my lady boner!

In response to the people suggesting what he looks like on the toilet, i always imagine what their feet smell like when i need bringing back to earth. Men’s feet are always disgusting especially the sporty blokes i like who inevitably have athletes foot.

@80schild1 It took about a year but then I had to see him at work. He said some things over time which I didnt agree with and it really jarred me because I kept thinking "thats not how you are in my head!!!!". Nothing awful but just small things I didnt like. That planted the seed.

It started making me think about how I barely knew him really and I had just filled in the gaps with what I wanted to see.

He has since gone on to start his own business and it has epically failed. I suspect for the same reasons I had concerns at work. This also kind of smashed my "he's so successful and capable, high up on his pedestal, he's so much better than me" view of him and now I just feel sorry for him rather than see him as someone I want to be with.

I dont mean that in a horrible way and I have no idea what he's doing now but he clearly wasnt the man I had made him in my mind and he never was that person. It was all me. I created him.