Can't stop thinking about him

[80schild1]

Married for 20 years to dh. Recently met a (single) guy at ds's sports club, we get on well. He knows I'm married. I like him, a lot! Like I can't stop thinking about him, fantasising, pleasuring over him to the point where I dont want to be intimate with dh as I know I will just be thinking about him. I keep hoping this feeling will pass, it's been 2 months now though.
I guess my aibu question is.. is this really wrong of me? I don't want to feel this way but I can't stop thinking about him.. He's asked if we want to have a play date away from sports club and I know it's a bad idea but I really want to.

Sorry to hear this.

I can definitely relate to the hormone surges. I remember googling "a sudden high sex drive" about a year ago and reading about how it can happen around late 30s early 40s and possible linked to peri menopause.

I do think maybe a conversation with dh about counselling is needed. Not sure how honest I could be about this situation though if we did.

Tell your husband that the man at the club is making you feel uncomfortable. I’m sure he’ll be fine with that reason for leaving!!

@Blessedbunny dh will call him. He'll know who I'm talking about.

I might just say the guy teaching it is rubbish and not including ds enough.

That would be reasonable. Good luck x

How's your DH op? Anything missing in your marriage?

He's shown you some attention and if you don't get any - it's addictive. It's lovely when you're centre of attention. I'd enjoy it but make sure you don't cross the line and do anything physical. People have affairs because something is missing. I'd go and see a counsellor I think - chances are you have a lot to lose in your marriage so tread carefully and make sure you're in control of your decisions. Don't feel guilty for fancying him. It is normal. Be in control though.

@Scribblesforme me and dh are generally ok.
The whole drink driving thing made me question him as a person. I've always thought he was fairly selfish, seems to be getting worse as he gets older.
And all this has brought to light that I'm not as physically attracted to him as I am this other guy..

@80schild1 I often replay imaginary conversation I SHOULD have had with ex DH, probably not healthy doing so, but I try to think what I could have said, before I actually crossed the line and had the affair (which was like a horrible kind of Hogwarts style death portal feeling, like a doom laden door that I had gone through and could never go back in), and I think I wish I would have said something like, 'I love you and I want our marriage to work, and I'm feeling a bit crazy and hormonal and feeling like I could get a crush on someone. But I would like to focus on you and our marriage and making it really great.'

For me, the physical attraction fell away because I was angry at him for working too much, leaving me with too many burdens plus my work, so my anger at that made me not feel like being intimate. and didn't feel noticed at all, just taken for granted. Suddenly you realise you're actually still attractive and that many men find you so, and then it's like crack cocaine!

For us, some form of honest counselling and more date nights etc, not prioritising work and kids to the point that our relationship was always left out, might have avoided catastrophe. I mean even better being honest that you've had a crush than later down the line hiding an actual infidelity.

I fully agree with others tho that this other guy is only great because he's forbidden fruit. He is very very likely not to be as nice as your DH and not worth it at all.

If you're knocking your DH back sounds like you usually have an active sex life. I agree with others, after all this time its totally normal to get the odd lusty crush, and best thing to do its try to reconnect with DH using that energy, and try to sort any underlying issues there.
This happened to me, I felt like you, didn't act on it, got over it, felt silly later. Didn't tell DP about it, he couldn't have handled it.
I wouldn't want to hear about it if it was other way around. I'm so glad nothing happened now.

Ah this made me emotional @lissom

I got this impending doom feeling as soon as I realised this could actually happen. It went quickly from being fun and innocent (as could never happen) to actually it could if I wanted it to.

I'm replaying imaginary conversations with this other guy ones where I cut all contact and others where I take it further.

I sit looking at dh with it almost on the tip of my tongue because it's eating me up but I just can't bring myself to tell him. I don't think it will help anyway, him showing any signs of jealously will make me push him further away.

I'm so sorry to hear you went through this. I guess it's true when they hindsights a wonderful thing?

Thank you @JasmineTea11 it really is reassuring to hear others have been in the same situation and got through it.

We have ups and downs with our sex life. Can go 2,3-4 weeks without it then other times it's every other night for months. It feels dead and buried at the minute but I do agree I need to channel this energy in to us not the other guy. Dh won't have picked up there's anything major wrong yet as its only been 2 weeks since we last had sex but much longer and he'll start to ask questions.

This.

@80schild1

I could have slept with him by now, I'm pretty sure of it.

• How do you know this? Imagine if a man said this about a woman, a mum he chats to once a week at their child's activity?

Being selfish isn't a good trait and you shouldn't feel guilty that you're looking for attention elsewhere. It says a lot about your marriage. Just be very careful and make sure you are in control of your emotions when you make a decision to take things further.

She's disgusting and sounds pathetic talking about nights out and seeing him etc I'd call her what she really is but I'd get banned

not true, people sometimes have affairs because they can and they want too.

Did you look up limerance OP.

Yes how disgusting of me going out. Even worse I consumed alcohol and wore a dress above the knee.

If I am what you say I am why would have come on here? I would just message the guy to meet up, I would have thrown myself at him when I saw him at the pub.

Not to mention I have repeatedly said I'm not going to cheat on my dh.

@lololulu that does sound shitty reading it back.
I dont know that for sure you're right.
I guess from the quite suggestive comments/half joking "offers" he's made.

Yes I did thank you. I do think it could be that. Especially as it is having an effect on daily life and mine and dhs sex life.
I know I either have to stop seeing him or tell him to leave me alone. And I can't do the latter because I don't want to open up a conversation like that with him.
I know it all sounds very pathetic and weak.

You're making this into a far bigger deal than it needs to be. It isn't a choice between shagging this man or 'cutting all contact'. Keep going to the sports activity while it's being paid for, drop off your DS and pick him up at the end. If that's not possible, go and sit with someone else and talk to them instead. If he brings up the playdate again, invite him out with you, DH and DS - 'great idea, DH and I are taking DS to ....this weekend, why don't you and your DS come along?' You certainly don't need to be having any conversations about why you can't trust yourself around him - you absolutely know where that would lead, be honest with yourself.

I think if you admit you have feelings you'll find that they will disappear. You have the right to feel desired in your relationship. All I say is try to be in control of your emotions

I like to read when women are 'sticking together,' but I dread thinking about what would have been said if this was a man talking this way- or if you'd come here looking for advice after your husband said all this to you.

Being attracted to someone is normal, wanking over them while not having sex with your partner is borderline. A harmless, flirty comment is okay; who doesn't like to think they are still attractive to the opposite/same sex? But not stopping it after much more than that, again, borderline.

As for a guy chasing/flirting with a married woman, he's only in it for the chase, to prove to himself that he can still turn heads, even of married women. Heck, you may even be an easier target being married, especially as it sounds like he knows you're pretty much ready to shag him. Sorry if that's a little harsh.

As for posting here, it sounds more like you're looking for justification to shag this guy than being talked out of it. But don't blame your husband for driving back drunk as a reason you think this is okay.

Hi OP, just wanted to add that sometimes the fantasy is like a drug we use to avoid dealing with reality. You have a difficult situation to deal with your DH and you've been fantasising about this man as an escape. It's just like drinking or taking drugs to escape dealing with real life and to block out the pain. In your fantasy you can forget this big issue with your DH. It's very addictive, just like substances are. Unfortunately you've 'used' so much it's now really impacting your actual life.

Realise that this is a kind of addiction and escapism from real life. You need to be brave and deal with real life in order to stop this fantasising which is just going to be very destructive. The result of living out your fantasies so be huge amounts of pain which you will not be able to block out with a bit of fantasising.

OP you haven’t answered mine and other posters questions about why you can’t drop your son and sit in the car for 40mins? Or sit with the other parents instead of sitting with this guy?