Can't stop thinking about him

[80schild1]

Married for 20 years to dh. Recently met a (single) guy at ds's sports club, we get on well. He knows I'm married. I like him, a lot! Like I can't stop thinking about him, fantasising, pleasuring over him to the point where I dont want to be intimate with dh as I know I will just be thinking about him. I keep hoping this feeling will pass, it's been 2 months now though.
I guess my aibu question is.. is this really wrong of me? I don't want to feel this way but I can't stop thinking about him.. He's asked if we want to have a play date away from sports club and I know it's a bad idea but I really want to.

This. Would he risk it all for you if he was married? Probably not. Clearly doesn't give a f about you or your son. Or you husband for that matter

You are awful. Nights out and flirting with blokes you fancy with your husband and four year old at home? You should be ashamed love

I didn't flirt with him when I saw him out. I wouldn't do that. I left the pub after about 3 minutes of seeing him.
Dh wasn't at home with the dcs. Your painting a complete different picture to what it was.

That's not the flex you think it is! It makes you sound even more pathetic. Imagine your husband reading all of what you've written let alone what you've been thinking.
You need to make a start on sorting your issues out with your marriage.
Have you resolved the issues that so say made your husband commit a selfish act or even started to resolve it ?

I'm not flexing. You seem to think the only reason I've not shagged him yet is because I know it would turn in to an affair and that's not why.

What dh did was drive home over the limit from the pub. We argued a lot about it, I guess I've still not really forgiven him and I'm still so angry about it.

What your husband did was stupid and reckless but have you even tried to forgive him? Are you holding on to that anger as a way to justify your growing attraction to this man ? The 2 are connected as you met/spoke to this man after an argument with your husband. You've already admitted that sleeping with him once would not be enough. I'm not saying you dont love your husband I dont doubt you do but its not been enough for you to cut contact with a man you know can cause the distruction of not only your marriage but your kids life. We all find the members of the opposite sex attractive and wonder what they are like in bed/on a date but we dont all stop intimacy with our spouses and masturbate over them.

What would you do if your husband had written all that you have and you read it all ? Would you have expected him to treat your marriage with more respect ? Cut contact as soon as he knew the line was crossed? Just how devastated would you be that he stopped having sex with you so he could wank over this woman?

Yes I think I partly am doing that. When I bring it up now with dh, he'll moan that I'm dragging this argument out. It was a big deal for me though. I felt like something changed within me, the way I see him changed. He has said sorry and that he's not sure what else he can do, I agree I'm not sure what else he can do. I do want to forgive him and I do think I will get there but I am stubborn and find it hard to just get over stuff.

I know none of this justifies this situation and I do think this guy could have been anyone as long as I was attracted to him. I don't love or care for him. I won't sleep with him, I know I won't but it's terrified me how much I want to and knowing that I probably could if I pushed it has now made it feel all that more real and hugely inappropriate.

It would break my heart to be reading this as if it was my dh. Not so much the masturbating over someone else. I'm not sure I thought about dh beforehand when masturbating anyway.

I want to be intimate with dh but I would hate it if this guy popped in to my head mid sex.

You say something changed in the way you see your husband after the incident I dont think it was just that, it was also that this other man turnt your head.

You were so angry as DH and rightfully (was there anyone else in the car with ur DH?) but you've interwined the 2. There is nothing else your husband can do, all he can do is not drink and drive again to prove he wont be reckless. Has he ever done this before ? Draw a line under it.

You're going to have to bite the bullet with the intimacy, start off with something small and build up, dont have to go right into full sex.
I can guarantee your husband can feel you start pulling away.

If your husband found out about all this what would the state of your marriage be like ?

Look up limerance, it could be that.
Do you suffer from ocd thoughts, alot of people who do also get limerance.
The best way is to cut contact or lessons it if you can ans never act on your thoughts.
It should pass in time.

@Hydenseek78 If he found out I'm fairly certain he would be thinking about leaving me. I can't tell him. I think he would jump to conclusions and would think something physical has happened.

He did do it once before years ago before we had children and I would say he was slightly over the limit. His brother was in the car with him this time and he was very over the limit. It makes me cry just typing it!

You are right though my head has been turned and maybe if I didn't have this deep disappointment in dh I would have shut it down but I've not and now like you say I'm holding on to this anger to justify my continued behaviour and now I can't get him out my head.

I wouldn't tell your husband about this.

Husbands brother is also an AH for getting into the car and allowing husband to drive. I can understand why you're so angry about it. I would sit husband down and tell him this will be the last time it's going to be brought up but you need to get it all the residual anger off your chest. Tell him how it made you feel, how devastated you would have been if there was an accident, that for the forseeable you would rather you drove him to the pub and he ubered back to put your mind at ease. The ball is in his court for the reply.

The more you have built it up in your head the more you want this man. You still have another 4-8 weeks of seeing this man do you honestly think its in your and your husbands best interests if you continue to take your child to this hobby ? Is there any way that husband can take your child instead? If not sit away from this man, read a book, make a call, sit in your car. Honestly a man that will cheat with you will cheat on you. He has no morals, he's single and can do what ever he likes your marriage blowing up wont affect him in the slightest.

Make time to spend with your husband, go on a date night, do something you both enjoy at home, re connect with each other.

No that is rubbish. You are just flattered by this man. He makes you feel good. It’s a tale as old as time.

The only factor influencing the situation is whether you act on it or not. That is up to you - your character.

If he found out I'm fairly certain he would be thinking about leaving me.

Well, he's not going to find out unless you tell him you've been wanking over the hot dad from the sports club.

It's a crush. Crushes happen. They happen in your head. Keep them there and they go.

The poster above who asked you to fast forward your fantasy to the morning after, or the nudges at the sports club, or when your husband finds out, or when you have to tell your mum and your kids and your friends that you've broken up your family, has it right.

Grow up a bit. Take responsibility.

Being a single father might also be because he’s a shit.

Gosh do people really think this of single parents?

Of course not, but a single father putting the moves on a married woman with children does make one wonder if it's not the first time.

Yes. He’s probably got a scattergun approach.

I think you're dangerously close to a version of 'the script' forming in your head.

(The Script, for those who don't know, is MN terminology for how (usually) men subtly rewrite history to make reasons for why they're cheated on their wives. How things haven't been right for ages and how they've struggled ... when in fact it's all a way to allow themselves mentally to quite quickly go cold enough towards their wife to cheat)

So anyway - recognise that you may be using the disappointment of the drink driving to some extent. Not totally - of course you're upset with him. But be aware that it sounds like there's an element of this scripyness going on here. It won't help you OP. It's not your friend. Your choices towards this bloke are a separate thing to your husbands choices to drink and drive.

Agreed

I won't act on it.

I want to stop wanting him.

And the other pp is right I do need to grow up.

Good that you posted here and didn't do anything a bit silly that then would have been hard to undo. Crushes and fantasies happen, especially if you are either stressed yourself or struggling in your relationship. My experience is it is usually a sign something's not quite right within yourself, although not always. Just don't act on it, don't say anything to your husband, and treat yourself kindly, fantasising about someone else is not the worst thing you can do, it will fade, although it may take a while. In 5 years you will look back and thing, why him?

Well done. If you want to do that, stop going to the club. Just stop it.

As someone who was unhappy in their marriage and started having an affair for 4 years, in the end leading DH to start his own affair as it was clear I had emotionally checked out, and then breaking up our family, I can genuinely advise to you cut contact with this man completely and have a really really good think about your marriage, get therapy if needed. Something happened to me late 30s where my hormones exploded and I just went mad and started an affair. I think a lot of women go through this around that age, where the kids are a little bit older and you have this feeling of sexual prime, but usually the marriage is a bit worn around the ages. I deeply regret my choices and would urge you to try to improve your marriage if possible.

I dont know how to explain to dh that I'm not taking ds all of sudden even though it's paid for?

Dh can't take him as he's at work.

I know this sounds like I'm making excuses just to keep seeing him, it's really not that. I just know dh will be mad if I pull him out when we've already paid and will want to know why. The only thing I can think of is to say it's too much of rush after school and work but then I take our other dc to dance twice a week so that wouldn't work.

Then go the sports club, talk to someone else and don't fuck the man. It's really simple.

I have 30+ years of marriage during which I have been attracted to other people and not kissed, fucked or shared intimacies with any of them. It's very easy not to. You are completely in control of your actions, you are married and you have a family.

It’s limerence/a crush. Avoid him like the plague and when you think of him imagine him on the toilet. You’ll soon be over him.