Why do men treat their ‘second’ family kids better?

[Fizzleaway]

Posting this on behalf of a friend who is upset by a situation she is in.

She has one child with her ex, they never got married and were together for about 2 years. He split with her and moved on quickly and went on to have 2 more children and married the women he had two kids with.

How he treats the children is so different. He will do anything for the two children he lives with but he hardly does anything with his child with my friend.

She’s really struggling to understand why he doesn’t bother much and what she can do to make him more interested.

I mean, there's your answer, bluntly. It's horrible and unfair on the child, but it sounds like he didn't really want the relationship with your friend to be serious, and didn't plan to have a child with her.

That's a different scenario to marrying his wife who he loves, and having children with her.

Really sad for the older child but there's nothing your friend can do other than be the best parent she can. Which also feels unfair that she's having to do it all. It was probably predictable given it was a short relationship, unmarried etc. But still not a nice situation for her.

It's usually fairly complex. DH has two kids from his previous marriage. DSS clearly had SEN but his mum wanted to know nothing about it. He was a really tricky kid who was often violent. She wouldn't coparent in anyway that was consistent. Ultimately we saw less and less of DSS as he was a threat to the younger ones including his sister. We still him as a young adult but the bond isn't nearly the same. There's only so much that can be done when there is no coparenting relationship.

This is definitely not always the case. My OH has 3 children from a previous marriage and we share 2. They are all considered siblings and if one needed something eg holiday spends then they gut, regardless of child support etc

I read somewhere that they associate the children with the children's Mum , their ex partner. So they don't see them as their own children and just can't separate the feelings for the ex partner. If they dislike the ex, they feel less for the children. Hope that even makes sense lol.

I would not say my father was a “great” father for various reasons but he definitely did not abandon any of his 13 kids and was and is a very active and present father in all our lives even as he moved from woman to woman. In fact all the half siblings also have a decent relationship.

He was just shit financially. Similarly my brother had a fling for a few weeks and she fell pregnant. He was as active a father as she allowed him to be (which she didn’t really) even going to court to fight for, and win, access (his fling partner was bitter because she could not understand why a baby would not lead to a committed partnership so decided to punish my brother by trying to cut him off.

I know lots of deadbeat dads but equally know lots of dads who love all their kids equally and show that.

I genuinely wonder if this is a bigger driver for his his unenthusiastic approach to parenting their child. I cannot imagine I would be a particularly good mother to a child I never particularly wanted.

Well, there’s her answer. As PP said; blunt but it’s true.

This is so true actually and something I see a lot with men.

I have had male friends and it’s like they see female friends / male friends / family members as basically an emotionally support network only until they get a wife / girlfriend at which point everybody else becomes forgotten.

I have two married brothers - one who balances the needs of his wife, children and broader support network (friends and family) and another brother who basically forgot everybody once his wife came along. It’s so weird to me.

I think they think they will be different.

Same as women who are mistresses to married men and then are shocked when he also cheats on her in their relationship.

Personally a man choosing to be absent from his children’s life would be, generally speaking a dealbreaker for me (with some limited exceptions.)

I am pretty appalled at your attitude. A child is a real person and deserves to be brought up well whether you planned them or not.

You maybe appalled but I think reluctant parents aren’t likely to be good ones. I also don’t think it’s really unusual that people who don’t want to be parents generally don’t stick around to be good ones (there is a reason deadbeat parents, child abandonment, adoption, abortion exist. Largely people who don’t want to be parents finding a way to not take on that responsibility.)

Of course I have abortion accessible so if so knew I did not want to be a mother I would never bring the pregnancy to term in the first place. Men don’t have that option.

I am just wondering why he would be an excellent father to the second set of kids and fairly crap the first and I think it’s likely because the first was never a child he wanted.

(And to be clear - a child can be “brought up well” without their biological parents having anything to do with them.)

@JHound loads of women have unplanned pregnancies and are good mothers. An abortion is nothing like abandoning a baby or child. Once a baby is born you have to do your best for them, and nearly all mothers do, its fathers that take a walk.

I’m not too site about the unplanned pregnancy link.
There are many, many men who are terrible fathers to their legitimate children.
I would hazard a guess that a good 50% of children born today are illegitimate.
Does that mean that all those fathers will be deadbeat dads? Worrying if so.
I realise that some of those will be planned pregnancies but the parents are still unmarried and plenty of posters have argued that a lot of men go on to marry the woman they really want to be with. If that makes sense.

Its not about marriage, its just about shit fathers.
As I said I am the child of a second relationship. I was planned and my father adored my mother. They were married until they died. The children of his first marriage probably thought we were treated way better because my dad would pretend to be interested in us in front of other people, but as soon as there was not an audience he pretty much ignored us. He would have protested that he was a great dad to us and that his first wife made it difficult for him to see his first kids, none of this was true.

I consider a difference between simply unplanned and surprises though.

I definitely know amazing fathers to unplanned children. Which they view more as a “surprise”. Unplanned but they came to want the child.

But her friend and the guy were together a mere two years which suggests to me maybe he did not see this woman as somebody he wanted to be with long term so potentially the child was far less welcomed by him. So it was not only “unplanned” but also “unwanted”.

Although this is all speculation (on my part) as to his reaction towards the pregnancy!

Just giving my thoughts on why potentially he is a fairly terrible father to the first child and a good father to the ones with his wife.

I do agree with you there are terrible men who are terrible dads to planned kids though. Irrespective of whether or not they are with the mother.

@JHound you are making a lot of excuses for terrible fathers. Are you a father who ignores his children he had with his ex? Or is this your DH?

I think you need to distinguish between “excusing” and offering a potential explanation for why a father (or could even be a mother) may be a less than enthusiastic parent to a child that was unplanned (and potentially adamantly unwanted.)

And my sex is fairly obvious from my last comment to you.

Loads of fathers have unplanned children and are good fathers.

And the act of bringing a child to term is slightly different for a man and woman hence me mentioning abortion (I also mentioned adoption and babies being abandoned which you skated over…)

I wonder in a world where abortion was absolutely prohibited and access to adoptions were limited if we would see similar lack of interest from mothers to unplanned pregnancies who had no option but to have the child brought to term. I don’t think the mindset is all that different between not wanting to be a parent in the first place and choosing means to not take on the responsibility of parenthood.

But OP asked a question and I was offering up my thoughts as to potentially why her DC’s father is a fairly absent father to the child of a short relationship and apparently a more engaged father to the children he has with his wife.

ETA: Interestingly on the topic of unengaged mothers I have one example in my personal life. I met as an adult and only after knowing her for ages did I learn she had a daughter. She is Irish, had her daughter at 17 and pretty much left her parents to raise her while providing money (she was living in a different country at the time).

I never asked but I often wondered if her approach was because her daughter was unplanned and at the time abortion was prohibited in Ireland.

I do think that a lot of men need to grow the fuck up.

They put vagina before children. And it causes huge trauma in the children.

I was just recently reading a book about Kurt Cobain.

His parents divorced. And he lived with his dad.

His dad met a new woman, moved her in, and had children with her.

Instantly the dad then started to turn against Kurt.

One example was: The other two children were allowed to take fruit off the table to eat. Kurt wasn't.

Kurt then moved out when he was still under 18. And he slept on friends couches.

This all let to Kurt becoming a very depressed individual.

His dad was interviewed later and he said "it's true. Kurt and my second wife didn't get on. She eventually said "well it's me or him", and I didn't want to lose her".

So he chose his second wife over his child

Sorry about the situation, it must hurt. There might be a thousand reasons why the other party gets treated better. It however, is never personal. It is always the fault of the father in question. He shouldn't do this.

Often because the mother makes it difficult for the ex and uses the children as leverage. I see this a lot.