Why do men treat their ‘second’ family kids better?

[Fizzleaway]

Posting this on behalf of a friend who is upset by a situation she is in.

She has one child with her ex, they never got married and were together for about 2 years. He split with her and moved on quickly and went on to have 2 more children and married the women he had two kids with.

How he treats the children is so different. He will do anything for the two children he lives with but he hardly does anything with his child with my friend.

She’s really struggling to understand why he doesn’t bother much and what she can do to make him more interested.

A few men are good with seeing children after a split but a lot are awful and too many don't bother at all.

I don’t think it’s very often a women gives a man an ultimatum like that to be honest. I think it’s easy to blame the women when it’s normally the man that’s very lazy and lax.

My friends ex still sees the child, EOW contact but it’s just the fact he doesn’t do anything else inbetween at all. He does the bare minimum, no parents evening, no extra stays, no abroad holidays, no pocket money, no extra shopping trips or days out (unless his younger kids are there too) etc yet he does a huge amount for his other two kids. They go abroad every year, he goes to their parents evening, buys bits and bobs for them, takes them to their hobbies.

How do you know so.much about this man's life and his kids? He sees the child he has with your friend EOW, and occasionally takes them on days out with his other children. That's normal.
Doing all the other things with the children he lives with and their mother is normal too.
Doesn't the child's mother do anything with them?

Sounds like jealousy, and a bit stalkerish, rather than actual concern for the child's relationship with their dad.

My sons are 100% invested in their children. Don't assume everyone is the same, please.

Are they with the mother of their children though?

We are talking on this thread about men who have left their first wife and children,

and have moved on to a second woman..

So if your sons are still with their first wife, after you said is not relevant.

If either of your sons are separated or divorced, can you clarify that please

I know a man like this. Him and his ex girlfriend had 2 kids and he was a grumpy so and so, always out of the house, loved the kids but not the family side of it if that makes sense, they had a very nasty split.

he moved on to marry someone (vowed he would never marry) and had 2 kids with her and he’s a changed man. Obsessed with his wife, never away from her and the kids and barely sees the first 2.

i would know his mum pretty well (well enough to be able to ask this question) and I asked ‘how’s X, haven’t seen him since the wedding etc’ she said he’s a changed man. I asked how did he go from the grumpiest shit we knew to that?? She put it down to the wife and the relationship he has with her.

I honestly think someone’s men have kids with women that aren’t right for them and then meet someone else and they work better. The shit thing is the kids are the collateral damage and it’s not their fault; it’s horrible.

Not my Nigel!!!!

Yes exactly this.

Because they will do whatever leads to an easier life, and it is easier to avoid upsetting the woman you live with than the one that already knows you're a shit dad.

John lennon was another one who did that.

He barely saw his first son. He went years without seeing him

He treated his second son like a king

My ex went back to his first family.

he spent 3 years with his ex had 2 dc, she kicked him out ((abusive twat) then got with me (I was not the ow), spent 13 years with me and had another 2 kids.. he treated his first two like an inconvenience despite me trying to get him to have a decent relationship with them. I kicked him out and then he went back to his first ex, they’ve married, had more kids and now they all play happy families together (and he has cut our two out entirely)

no one falls in love quicker than a man so fast with a woman and gets her pregnant when she has her own place and he has nowhere to go

and his ex (and me at the time) is too thick to see it.

One thousand percent this.

@summer3219 indeed-once your ex knows you that you know they are very imperfect and you are no longer interested then you are toast in their eyes ( in most cases) and it's hit and miss whether your kids are still looked after /taken care of

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Because they have learnt from their mistakes the first time round?
No idea. Ex dh treats his new family like queens, but then my dh treats me like
One ( second wife )

I've seen both sides of this. My ex absolutely prioritises his new family. Not that he sounds like a good dad there but he is much more involved than he ever was or is with the children he had with me.

My second ex was absolutely amazing parenting his kids. Had them 50/50 did his share of sick days buying clothes running around dropping to clubs etc. That part of why I fell in love with him. He was also a really good step dad while we were together. He talked me into having a child with him and I went into that thinking this would be my chance to have a child in a healthy relationship with love and support. But as soon as I go pregnant he stopped all housework became increasingly selfish and when we split up he said he was too depressed to see his kid with me while he continued 50/50 with his previous kids.

I think it's because men are selfish. 50/50 meant no childcare costs. I was so impressed by that he kept it up because he wanted to be with me. When we split his other kids were older and no trouble but our child was young and needed parenting. 50/50 would have cost him more in childcare than the maintenance so he chose maintenance. He dropped my older kids as soon as we split my boy was devastated and has it rubbed in his face every time ex comes to collect his actual child not the one he raised for years. Also my child with him has additional needs so doesn't add to his ego like his older high achieving children

It's not that. If they go on to start a third family they ditch the second as easily as the first.

This didn’t turn out to be the case. Yes he indulged them, and yes he was there more, but he didn’t actually do anything with them, he was just there and felt that was super parenting in itself. I facilitated these bouts of great parenting by doing the rest of the parenting.

I find this really interesting because I feel like my ex "parents" our kids in the same way. I don't like the "dad is babysitting today" line but at the same time, when he has the kids it does just feel like he is babysitting them rather than doing any actual parenting. It's hard to explain, but my mum "parents" them more than he does.

I saw an instagram reel the other day (annoyingly can't find it now) which said something like "if you want 50/50 do the school run. If you want 50/50 make them a proper meal. If you want 50/50 parent without an iPad". It summed up exactly how I felt.

It’s an interesting question, I wonder if it has something to do with association with “failure” maybe? I would imagine that this sort of thing would only happen with someone who was a narcissist as they tend to see children as extensions of themselves rather than complete humans in their own right. You see it also within families where one child represents to the immature parent proof that they are good and worthwhile through there accomplishments whereas another child who fails at something represents their flaws and mistakes.
Its horrible, but I should think it’s better to not be too close with people like this in the long run. Even the golden child(ren) is harmed by this while the under appreciated child may be initially hurt they at least get away from the source of the pain quicker.

Most men just do what is most convenient to them/what serves their best interests at the time. The same applies to sons that barely bother with their parents when they get a partner but happily spend time with their partners family because that is what suits her and gives him an easy life.

John Lennon was - in retrospect- an incredibly narcissistic individual.

his treatment of his first son was appalling.

This is so true.

and had actually not made the link between this scenario and shit dads.

as a teenager, I noticed that almost everyone ( myself included) were closer to their maternal family than their paternal one. All my friends agree. Women tend to maintain their family ties far more than men do. That includes ‘good’ dads.

I think men just think that maintaining family ties is Womens work. They won’t proactively keep in touch with family if their partner isn’t doing it.

( of course there are exceptions - but there’s a definite trend)

My dad did the same. Left my mum, sister and me for my mum's friend and her children. My stepsisters and half sister are considered the real family. My sister and I, not so much. My grandchildren feel like they barely know him compared to my mum and the lovely relationship they have with her. Meanwhile my dad is going on holidays with my stepsister's children. The rejection still stings 35 years after he left.

My dad never stepped up for either of the families he helped create. He's estranged from everyone, just living his feral Peter Pan life. It's embarrassing.

He was with someone else within a year, I was quite shocked but my DM said men find it harder to be alone.

Yeah, because they’ve become used to having a competent and caring adult in their lives and when she dies they can’t manage on their own.

And they say women are the “weaker” sex. 🙄