Why do men treat their ‘second’ family kids better?

[Fizzleaway]

Posting this on behalf of a friend who is upset by a situation she is in.

She has one child with her ex, they never got married and were together for about 2 years. He split with her and moved on quickly and went on to have 2 more children and married the women he had two kids with.

How he treats the children is so different. He will do anything for the two children he lives with but he hardly does anything with his child with my friend.

She’s really struggling to understand why he doesn’t bother much and what she can do to make him more interested.

It’s so depressing.
One of my in laws had this happen.
His mum died very young, his father left and he was reluctantly raised by another family member and separated from his sibling. His father went on to father more children. Then leave that woman and children and marry again for the 3rd time and father yet more children.
Meanwhile the child from the first marriage had a terrible upbringing. Beaten and abuse, told constantly that he looked just like his ‘bastard father.’
He grew up to be a violent and damaged man. Eventually he tracked down his half siblings. The abandoned middle ones didn’t want to know and didn’t have a good word to say about their feckless father.
The children from the last marriage spoke about how wonderful their, now dead, father had been. It made the first child feel sick he said and he broke off contact as it only made him feel even worse knowing his father had abandoned him.

I actually basically asked my exH this the other day when he told me he wants to reduce contact time with our two kids, at the request of his girlfriend, with whom he has a toddler. He said she can't cope with our kids there (they only do one night a week and EOW!) so he's making their weekends one day only. I asked how he can do that to our children... his reply is he can't have another failed relationship and another child from a broken home so will do anything to protect his new family 😧

Something I’ve often thought about, mine had a whole secret family for years and was the ultimate lovely, caring father from all accounts with them, while abusive at home I had a disability and childhood me always thought maybe that was why, but I think he was just a wanker and it’s a case of the grass is always greener, with the new exciting thing.

I think for a lot of men in that position, their first family is a reminder that they were unfaithful/didn't get it right the first time. They have a big problem with any implied (real or in their heads) criticism of their behaviour or choices.

I know we have heard from posters confirming their fathers were terrible.
Are there any posters whose parents divorced and the father went on to either have more children with someone else or become a step parent, who had a great father?

I am not sure that they do treat them very much better. I think the first family see the highlights on social media or hear about it via mutual friends, but they are probably the same sort of dad the second time around that they were the first time around. And would drop the second lot to focus on the third lot if that situation arose too.

There are plenty of threads here by women who find their partners are so keen not to be turned down by older children from a previous relationship that they will not have a treat without them or try to discipline. It can work both ways.

I have seen this on several occasions. And completely agree with some men entirely just wanting to please the woman they are shagging.
However there are anomalies. He had a child when I met him and had his DS 3 days and nights a week, working condensed hours to look after him. He was and still is a great Dad, not a Disney dad just a solid loving Dad and has a brilliant relationship with now adult DSS.
I will also say I have seen a couple of older fathers who will admit they weren't great the first time around and are better because they are more patient, and/or semi retired and also have learned from previous parenting mistakes.
Sadly though I've also seen many many of the wanker types!

This is so true!

Same.

My STBXH is a very hands on father and we are having a true 50/50 split of both the kids, even though one is technically his step daughter. He's as active and involved in their lives as I am. He knows as much about them as I do.

Same with all my male friends/colleagues.

The only ones I don't know like this are my own father, DDs biological father (though he's excellent with his eldest son) and my mother's partner.

think it’s an unfair assumption that most men are like this.
any dads in this situation that I know do not treat their first children like this. of course not doing as much with them all the time isn’t going to be possible, they have 2 homes and a mum assumably that wants time with their children too.. however, time spent on the scheduled time is often more with them and the day to day living ones get dumped! That’s my experience anyway!
I’m a step parent, first hand know that stepkids had more “time” with dad than the one living with him every day because he actively did so!

there will be men that don’t bother of course, but thankful like I say that I know no separated dad that doesn’t!

Honestly, most men pander to their first kids in a Disney fashion, their second kids are the ones who have a normal life.

My ExP put his substance misuse before me and our DC, and subjected us all to DV including financial & emotional abuse for 7yrs. He only switched on his "I'm a dad" hat at his dear mother's insistence, when I relocated nearly 400miles away and my 9mth non-mol ended. I also heard from the new gf - who'd been on his elbow for over a year before I moved away - and she was feeling cross at how very little effort he put into being a dad with PR. Then the emotional coercion continued from ExP's mother started again. I've been 100% NC for 2yrs now. His behaviours and "fatherly attitude" will have change before I agree to contact, and he'll have to go through the courts to get.
Me? I literally don't care whosoever wants to call me a cold b!tch.
OP, I hope your friend truly recovers from accepting that her ExP is, sadly, just not interested. Encourage her to keep building a positive life for herself and her DC, and tell her from me, never give up 💐

THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️

Wow. You really hate men don't you

I’m sure I will be pilloried for this (although I wasn’t reason for dh leaving first wife - they’d split up before he and I got together). As second wife with one ds with dh, I have seen most of dh income go to ex - she was in family home, we were in a rented house for years, and my dh paid mortgage even when her new partner moved in; had dsc (3 of them) every weekend as they grew up; dh spent most Saturdays running dsc around various weekend sporting events, including one sport where competitions take all day; we have taken dsc on holiday, plus their friends and bf/ gf now. We have always included them in
our plans, and now they are older, they voluntarily come to stay with us.

So no, kids from first marriages/ relationships only miss out when the df is a c0ck anyway.

Did he actually want the children with your friend?

This is not meant to be harsh but I think often the difference is less about it being a “second family” and more about the wanted kids vs. unwanted.

Although that said a lot of men do see kids as the extension of the woman. So when they are done with her they are done with the children too. Awful but nothing your friend can do.

i agree it’s mostly the way you describe but sometimes and in the my friends instance… it’s the complete opposite.

It was an unplanned pregnancy.

But also on the flip side who are these women who stay with these men that have previous children they don't see? Are they not afraid that if they split up the same will happen with their child/ren?
Personally I could never get with a man that didn't make effort to see/spend time with ALL his children.

This. I do wonder if the child was planned. I have seen many a time the extent to which the man is an engaged, doting father depends on the nature of the relationship with the mother whether it was a long term committed relationship and the kids were, if not planned, reasonably expected or not. Two years isn’t particularly long so I wonder if it wasn’t planned hence his lack of enthusiasm.

(Of course not all men are like this - I know men with one night stand babies that are still engaged fathers.)

My friend had 3 children with her ex, one with a life limiting illness. He went on to have 2 kids with a new partner (marriage broke down due to his affairs). He treats his first kids like shit. They’re adults now and have changed their names to their mum’s maiden name.

I don’t understand the mindset but it’s clearly prevalent.

In contrast, my own ex treats our son brilliantly despite now having another son plus stepson.

Hadn’t thought of the planned aspect but following on from my earlier post apparently my friends sons’ 2 to his girlfriend weren’t planned as he said he didn’t want children. Whereas with his wife their two children were planned, can’t say too much as don’t want to be outing but I know they tried for over 6 months for their first baby together and he was starting to get worried and thinking about getting it investigated. Funny how someone can go from not wanting kids to actively planning them with someone.

But still leave women with the bulk of the childcare.

For a lot of men - the investment depends on the relationship with the mother. Also it depends whether the child was planned and wanted.