Why do men treat their ‘second’ family kids better?

[Fizzleaway]

Posting this on behalf of a friend who is upset by a situation she is in.

She has one child with her ex, they never got married and were together for about 2 years. He split with her and moved on quickly and went on to have 2 more children and married the women he had two kids with.

How he treats the children is so different. He will do anything for the two children he lives with but he hardly does anything with his child with my friend.

She’s really struggling to understand why he doesn’t bother much and what she can do to make him more interested.

I was disappointed that my lovely ex, who i had one message exchange with a few years ago (having not had any contact for 20+ years) told me about his family like this: 'I have twins with X. She has a DD from a previous relationship so I'm also a stepdad! I've also got 2DC from my first marriage with Y..' I couldn't believe that such a nice guy lists a child he's not biologically related to above his own first born children.

Possibly, and reprehensibly, the man in question has moved on and regards previous relationships as done and dusted. Hmmm.

After my parents got divorced my dad's new kids have been privately educated etc he never even taught me how to swim or ride a bike these kids grew up with EVERYTHING!! I never even had a bike growing up yet he could afford it. It looks like that's how it works unfortunately. And there's no chance of inheritance for us just for those kids.

I guess it’s a different situation for you bc you are still together 🤷🏼‍♀️

They're older and scared of being alone, so need to keep the second wife/mother.

of course there are exceptions but statistically it's true.

Most men fuck off and start new families.

A nurse or a purse. Preferably both

You don’t actually know that though?

My personal household set up is nothing like that. My husband arranges and pays for both the kids hobby sports that they do and he attends all games and matches.
We equally suggest days out although I mostly book tickets.
He takes the kids out on their own and spends 1:1 time with them.

@Fizzleaway but I think @Investinmyself is giving a possible scenario- given the shitloads of crappy men that are around!

your DP sounds like a decent one so doesn’t compare?

This is definitely not universally true. I know many dads who make a huge effort (as they should) for their kids. I also know a dad who is the main carer for his kids after the mum moved onto a new marriage with new kids.

Because those kids are right in front of them and so they focus on them, and forget/don’t focus on the ones they don’t see as often.

Because their new partner has their ear and they are running a home and making a life together.

Because they love their new partner and the kids are part of her and remind him of her, whereas the previous kids remind them of someone they probably don’t like.

Because they harbour guilt about how they have behaved towards their first children and know they have let them down, so instead of making it up to them they bury their head in the sand and focus on getting it right the second time and making it right with their new, “perfect” family.

Because they’re a bit older and more experienced, maybe less immature, so possibly likely to be a better parent.

I have a child with my partner, who also has a child with his ex wife. He co parents with her very well, and does everything possible to make his son feel included and spend time with him.

So not all men. But it does seem common

That is so untrue in the case of my DH! He loves being a Dad and was desperate to be a father. He is a very hands-on parent. He is older than me though and it’s his second marriage (no previous kids). I wish he was the one that could get pregnant and have the babies. I think that would suit us both better.

So true! My late Ddad did this. Even doting on his step grandchildren more than his bio GC.

My Ddad did this with his youngest DD.

With his youngest DD I think he'd matured and that made him a better Dad. With his step family - well they worshipped him and I didn't so that's probably why!

My dad was quite strict with us, and he's not with his wife's children and buys them things he wouldn't for us (we would've been told off for even asking). I think partially it's because he's less stressed, but mostly I think it's because he cared that we were raised not to be bratty/spoilt, whereas he's just trying to have an easy life now.

I don't think this is the majority of cases, just sharing one scenario.

Playing happy families. Shiny new wife, shiny new kids. Plus in some cases (when they’ve had the second family later in life), they’re more patient and have more money.

Yeah, thats why gay men have children, and why single men often opt to become dads.

Just a guess.

I think the borderline "shit Dads" don't take much to lapse when they're separated from the first woman. It's a mixture of:

• Not wanting to be seen as fuck up again, otherwise this may reflect badly on him and contrdict his narrative of the "crazy" ex ruining everyone's lives.

• Most kid admin is initiated and executed by women e.g. activities, play dates, treats etc Shit Dads only do these things for their second families because their new woman has her toe up his arse.

• Maintaining a strong relationship with your kids takes effort.

• On Mumsnet, you do sometimes see the new woman resenting some of the time spent with his previous kids. Some men are spineless and just want a quiet life.

I don’t think that was a factor in this scenario. They split when he was in his late 20s.

Some men treat all of their kids badly… first and second. It’s a common misconception that all second children are living their best life with their dad while the first child gets nothing/the scraps.

If the dad has it in him to treat his first children badly, you can bet his second children are suffering because of him too. My ex was a heavy drinker and was lazy etc.. and my children lived with that 24/7. He was a bad father to all of his kids, not just his older one (my children’s sibling).

I worked with someone who left his wife because she was ‘boring’ and moved in with a woman with 2 teenage children similar in age to his.
He kept going on about how brilliant these kids were and much better than his! The lack of self awareness was astonishing.
I honestly hope it all went tits up for him.

Not just men.
I know a woman with about eight children from different dads, and about 10 godchildren. She only has a relationship with her youngest child and two godchildren. She's kinda tossed the others away once she's got bored of them.

When I read your title I was thinking it may be that men learn from their mistakes in their first marriages and do better the second time. But after reading your post, I think it is expedience - they are in front of him, so it makes his life easier to treat them well. If the relationship ends, they wont have any better time than his first family. I have an uncle who is on his 3rd marriage - abandoned each family for his next one. Its despicable.

Because the men that do this are selfish dicks. My BIL has 8 children, 2 of them with his current GF. He's only interested in the 2 that currently live with him.

In contrast, my DH (his brother) has remained the steady parent in my DSD's life her entire life. She was born when he was 18, and it would be anathema to him not to be in her life. She's 32 now, and we're grandparents to our gorgeous 2-year-old DGD.

He was never any less present in her life after our dds were born.