Why do men treat their ‘second’ family kids better?

[Fizzleaway]

Posting this on behalf of a friend who is upset by a situation she is in.

She has one child with her ex, they never got married and were together for about 2 years. He split with her and moved on quickly and went on to have 2 more children and married the women he had two kids with.

How he treats the children is so different. He will do anything for the two children he lives with but he hardly does anything with his child with my friend.

She’s really struggling to understand why he doesn’t bother much and what she can do to make him more interested.

Unfortunately I think some of the earlier posters got it right- men can often compartmentalise very easily and once you are not 100% on them or with them - then you are toast - there are indeed some men who do treat their whole family right including children by exes but they are few and far between

Agree with this. In my experience 100% true.

Because men are easily manipulated. It mostly comes down to the current wife, who demands he invest more time and effort into theircurrent family, and said partner goes along with it because many men are weak. It’s very sad, and always amazes me how many men can check out of their first family so easily.

'Their attention is just easily diverted to what is easy and what will give them the best feeling at the time I think.'

@shitshower nailed it.

I wonder if the sex of the children makes any difference?

I once read somewhere that men are generally better fathers and less likely to abandon their sons.

Also, the age of the parents. I think young women who become mothers are more likely to step up and become good parents, whereas men are less likely to accept their responsibility, and don’t really mature until they’re 30 or so.

I think it's because of how they love or don't love the mother of the children.

This is all well and good, new relationship with the mother, she's the priority, etc ... But it's their child that they are then neglecting??? Their actual flesh and blood?? Still a human??

I just don't get it.

Perhaps the second family is the one they really want and the first family an experiment!

yes indeed, my ex husband told me the other week he basically only wants to look after his own kids when his girlfriend has her kids.

He shows more concern when his girlfriend's kids are sick than when ours are.

We were married and our 2 children were very much planned.

He has plenty energy for them when he does see them because he hasn't arranged his whole life around them, so he has no reason to be tired.

Talking of grandparents…
DHs aunt died suddenly and their children kept Uncle at an arms length afterwards. He was an incredibly difficult and annoying man, he meant well but he was exhausting. So they didn’t see him that much and in small doses.
So he meets someone else fairly soon (I think he was lonely) and became very enmeshed in her family and grandchildren. Did lots with the GC.
I remember one of DHs cousins complaining bitterly, whilst equally not wanting him around all the time.
He was pushed out basically. I don’t always think it’s the dads fault.

My ex did it the other way round. He has always been good to his 2 oldest, taking time off for all appointments and to have them but my 2 he hardly bothers with even while we were together he expected me to prioritise his older 2s needs over my own kids. It's mad.
Think maybe it's cos his own dad ditched him and his sister when he got married and had more kids and this is his way of righting that?

I think this is right really.

I don’t think he ever planned to be with my friend long term as he showed no real commitment.

He met his now wife very soon after and they have been together ever since.

I've seen it both ways round tbh, some who abandon family 1 for family 2 and others who prioritise the DC from family 1 and further DC don't get a look in. Either way DC get damaged

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s all men.

I know a lot of men who are great dads, possibly the majority of men I know, but there is a very significant minority ( I think at least 30 per cent) who will do the minimum they can get away with.

Women who abandon their kids are virtually unheard of. I’ve met one person whose mum left. And one partner who says his wife walked out and left the whole family. It’s so rare. On the other hand, I’ve lost count of the number of people I know with shitty dads and shitty ex husbands who don’t step up and parent.

The person I was quoting was saying it was all men.

I agree. Iv seen it both ways too.

I’m not sure they always do tbh!

My exh is always a twat, so although he likes to play the loving dad, he is still managing to damage his younger kids with his new partner too.

My exh is a narcissist I’m sure (I know it’s over used but he really is). He doesn’t have the ability to genuinely love anyone.

Because a lot of men choose sex over children.

My dad was the same. While he was with my mum, he was a great dad. He divorced my mum. He met a new woman. She didn't want me around. He never spoke to me again.

The change in him was so shocking. He had been a great dad. The minute he met a new woman, he completely cast me aside.

It made me realise that some men, the minute they meet a new woman, they are just able to completely throw their old children aside.

They are cold and selfish.

Some men are absolutely ruled by their dick.

There are the cases of when it is taken to the extreme. It's shocking.

I remember reading that Arthur Labinjo Hughes' dad, had been a nice man and a good dad.

Then he met his new partner, and he all pf a sudden became very abusive to his own child. They eventually killed the child.

Then there was Chris Watts in the USA. He had, by all accounts, been a really great loving dad to his two daughters.

He met a new woman. And he killed his two daughters.

It's really shocking how men can just quickly change. And it proves that romantic love is more important to them then their own children.

In the case of my exh, he and his exw screwed up their kids a lot, they were quite dysfunctional post divorce. When we met he had children not talking to him and children overly invested in his life and it was a mess, with hindsight I should have run from.
I think he saw marriage to me and children with me as a second chance, because he never actually felt he was to blame for how the children were and it was his chance to show how he could do it all properly.

This didn’t turn out to be the case. Yes he indulged them, and yes he was there more, but he didn’t actually do anything with them, he was just there and felt that was super parenting in itself. I facilitated these bouts of great parenting by doing the rest of the parenting.

When we split he jumped back to the first family and his grandchildren and they are all weirdly emeshed .

I know the first exw felt my kids got all hers didn’t, but they didn’t really, it was just an illusion that he really couldn’t maintain for long. He just flits from one set of children to another, whichever are giving him what he needs at the time.

Unfortunately, for a lot of men, a large part of how they feel about their children is about how they feel about the mom. If they detach from the partner they also detach from the children from that union. That's because they only have a superficial and selfish form of attachment to begin with. It's entirely based on what they are getting from the relationship. So it's not actually the partner or the kids they are attached to, it's the benefits of having them. He sees a benefit in being attached to his current partner and the kids are part of the package.

It does shock me how many men can be so emotionally cold to their children. They just walk away, and never once think about how the child is suffering.

I suppose women have more of a bond naturally, because they carry the child inside them.

A lot of men don't seem to have that natural. Bond.

They only have the bond for how long they're with the mother.

If they break up with the mother, they break up from the children too, and just walk away without a second thought.

I’ll answer the question: I’m that first kid from that first marriage, his wife has made sure he has little contact with me or my brother, he made him choose her or us, he chose her and abandoned us, he’s not a good man and she’s a c-nt.

Same.

My dad also chose his second wife over his first wife's child - me.

I think a lot of men do.