Why do men treat their ‘second’ family kids better?

[Fizzleaway]

Posting this on behalf of a friend who is upset by a situation she is in.

She has one child with her ex, they never got married and were together for about 2 years. He split with her and moved on quickly and went on to have 2 more children and married the women he had two kids with.

How he treats the children is so different. He will do anything for the two children he lives with but he hardly does anything with his child with my friend.

She’s really struggling to understand why he doesn’t bother much and what she can do to make him more interested.

I cannot imagine willingly being in a relationship with a man I knew was choosing to have nothing to do with his kids.

Your ex AND his new girlfriend sound terrible. I am so sorry for your children.

She can't do anything to make him more interested. You can't force someone to behave in the way you'd want them too.
Some men are just really shitty!

It's definitely the case sadly with my DS's Dad.
I think there's a few reasons -

• we were young when DS was born (his Dad was 21)

• he was with his second gf (mum of his 2 younger children) longer. We separated when DS was 4 months old.

• Ex is a dick.

It's so brutally obvious though. DS was, and still is, the second class citizen to his Dad. He was never "allowed" to do anything on his Dads contact weekend - no football/rugby etc, parties etc. so DS missed out. Yet he's there cheering on his younger son from the sideline.

It's sadly just the way it is, and now DS is aged 20 and barely sees his dad (last early June). They talk, just neither bother to see each other.

I wonder if your friend's child was planned? He didn't want to marry her in any event so was able to walk away to another relationship.
Mens prerogative in that situation.

it’s easier and less messy for them to forget their first family.

True. My ex cut mine off and went to his new family. Did all sorts for step kids and had 2 more kids with her.

She got rid of him in the end just like I did. So now he's cut her and them off and is shacked up with woman no.3.

He doesn't even ring or text mine only very occasionally. He's pathetic.

DH was like this. He didn’t want to see himself as a failure and because his first marriage had failed he seemed to want to forget about dsd too. If I didn’t already know dsd’s mum when he met or if I was a lesser human being it might have continued - but I insisted on him doing his part & when they had blowouts I went out of my way to make things better. In these types of situation a good step-parent often plays a vital role in bringing the family together - but most people forget this.

For some men, out of site is out of mind.

Also, some men view the kids as extensions of their female partner, rather than individuals in their own right, and so won't put the effort in if they're not in a relationship with the mother. It's similar to men who refuse to pay maintenance because they're not giving "her" any money (conveniently ignoring that their children have an independent right to be supported by them).

I think the pattern is seen in other situations too. I know a man who flat shared with his sister and her dc until he got married, and promptly dropped all contact with niece and nephew he had previously doted on.

I’ve had a male colleague who was a “friend” until he got a gf, look through me in the canteen (I was married, definitely not flirting and gf wasn’t working with us) as if I’d turned invisible to him.

Lots of men drop their dm’s once they get a gf or wife.

It’s not all of them by any means - some men seem to recognise the humanity and personhood of women and children and form lasting bonds. It’s just hard to distinguish which type you’re dealing with because they’re hard to tell apart.

Child of a second marriage here.

And my experience is a bit different.

My Dads ex wife cheated on him (my half brother caught her and told my dad). They divorced and my dad spent years trying to maintain a relationship with his children. I had a relationship with my half siblings initially.

But the ex wife poisoned them with lies, saying my dad had moved on with a ‘white woman’, despite the fact it was years after they divorced my dad met my mom and they’d divorced due to her adultery.

My half brother always kept the relationship with us because he knew what his mom had done. But my 2 half sisters, distanced themselves after a while, brainwashed with their mothers crap. Eventually my oldest sister went NC with her mother when she finally realised what a cow she was. The other sister moved to London.

My Dad has always tried to have a relationship with his kids from his first marriage, but his ex spewed lies that caused problems. And it’s always angered me because I missed out on a relationship with my older siblings because of her.

My half brother has always been there and only over the last couple of years, my oldest half sister got back in touch with my dad’s side of the family and re-built relationships. And it’s nice to be able to rebuild a relationship with her (we’re very much alike!). My oldest sister doesn’t even speak to her two siblings because she doesn’t want her mother to know anything about her, she got treated so badly.

My dad isn’t perfect at all, but he’s always always tried to have a relationship with his other kids.

On the flip side, my DP watched his parents divorce when he was young (his dad was a violent bully), and his dad went on to have 2 kids with another woman later on.

His dad has always given his half brothers everything, but my DP and his older brother got nothing. Not even any love or care. Never even bothered with his first kids. He’s an absolute scumbag. My DP tried to foster a relationship with him but he treated him like shit. And his older brother has kept his kids away from their grandfather because he knows what a violent arsehole he is.

Not sure what my point is other than some men are arseholes and some are not.

And it’s not even like they literally do have a normal life either. Not when they have a father who can’t bring himself to do anything meaningful with or for them.

But somehow, amazingly, mums with first and second children manage to give all of their children a normal, happy life without any Disneying the first or ignoring the second. Men are just really shit.

EXH is doing this to our DC.

Left us for the OW and her family and now a new baby is on the way.
He rarely sees the dc (sometimes every other weekend but he works a lot of the time they visit) and dc don't even have a bedroom but have to camp out in the living room eow.

He appears to bend over backwards for his new family and has nearly totally disregarded his first.

I really think that some of it is that the second family are the "new toys," and the "old toys" just aren't shiny anymore. It's a horrid attitude, but I see it over and over again.

How many of them do this without their phone/TV on though? Really engage I mean.

Good post, this 100%

It is the wound that never heals if your the unseen child . I agree its how the man feels about the mother and someone commented “if there’s nothing in it for them why bother “ this struck me as something of a truism but I couldn’t go there mentally so I would excuse my father endlessly when facing rejection but you do reach your limit and you see patterns forming mine hung me by a thread which confused me . So what was in it for him ? that he would tug the cord for 2 mins a year on my Birthday with a phone call and not release me from the cycle of confusion I felt I was being lured in by the father myth only to be baffled at the behaviour. Would he man up and be a proper father because there is a vacancy never had a stepfather.
Its the shit gift that keeps on giving because I find out new lows my father’s ego is willing to plummet . During lockdown my sister found what can only be described as Romantic fiction an account of my fathers romantic life in a newspaper article where the facts had been edited. Number of children and exs etc boxed down to a 2.2 children . I can only think this is the fantasy version of his life where he isn’t a massive shit 😂 with a lot of human wreckage behind him because the true facts would speak for themselves. I wanted to print that article on a T shirt whilst mingling with my Dads side of the family 😂 He is not famous or infamous he was just having his 15 minutes of fame where he contradicted himself in black and white. Its a case of when a person tells you who they are its so they can sleep at night by lying to themself.
So if the child version of you has been left outside for the wolves to get you there will be a point in the future where you will see this person run out of rope. Rue that day
If only they had made James Bond a really great Dad instead of him dispatching his conquests to make way for new playthings. If the nuturing and development of a child wasn’t seen as women’s work the non status domestic load that can be outsourced if you want to advance . If status in society lay within the things that you do for your family rather than the things that you have maketh the man. Being a great father to the children you bought into this world shouldn’t be negotiable.

what she can do to make him more interested.

Nothing. Sorry.

This was my dad. We were the second family. He only pretended to treat us well in front of others, we knew he did not really care.

He must have been decent enough for you to have a child with him, I presume people spend a lot of time getting to know someone and discussing having children a lot before having a child with someone?

What a very snide comment.

Darlingx
I’m sorry this happened to you. I agree with you about the culture enabling the behaviour

I read somewhere that some men see their kids as belonging to the mum. So if they switch partners they don’t really see the kids as their own, they are part of the ex package. I think some men are just fucking lazy and are so used to being accommodated that they can’t imagine a future where their kids won’t be interested because they didn’t make an effort.

I would say though that DH is the one who wanted a baby and he’s a good dad. So I don’t think all men are like this, there must be people with good co-parenting relationships as well. I’ve definitely seen complaints on here about dad’s prioritising first children as well.

I think it is very much about the relationship they have with the mother.

Lots of this makes sense but it our case we were together 16 years, married for 10, both kids very much planned and wanted.
He does seem to prefer our youngest though who is more like him in terms of personality, whereas our eldest is very much me... I've wondered whether that makes him not want to spend time with him as he despises me now.
For context, he cheated on me 3 times (physically), loads more emotionally and sexting so if annoy should hate anyone it should be the other way round!!