Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

The step grandmother is the mother of DSD’s stepdad - her mothers’ partner. The person who doesn’t want the DSD at the funeral is the new partner of the now deceased step grandmother.

What on earth was the falling out over?! It must have been very serious for the girl's mother and stepfather to not even be fighting her corner for her to the step-gran's partner.
There must be a very good reason for them all to not want her there surely?

I wouldn’t encourage a grieving 16 year old to go to a funeral where she is not welcome for whatever reason. There must be more to this than perhaps you know. If her step parent (child of step grandmother) is not encouraging her to go either then I think you should help her find another way to pay her respects privately such as taking flowers to the grave later on.

Then respect the wishes of these people.

A PP said earlier that a funeral is a public event. It isn't. It's a private event.

People have the legal right to witness a marriage as it has formal and legal status. A funeral is a private paid for event and if the relatives want to restrict access to it in this way, that is their right.

Or they just haven't the strength to go against step GM's partner's wishes?

I’m struggling to understand how there is no backstory if the child doesn’t live with her mother at all, and her mother is refusing to talk to her about it.

In those circumstances, the chances of being frozen out/ a row with her own mother are high. Funerals are sad events, and outright rejection from your own mother at a time of heightened emotions would feel awful for a child. Presumably neither you nor the child’s father would be welcome either.

I would encourage to have a private remembrance, and then I would quietly try to check whether there’s an inheritance that she’s being distracted from.

I’m also confused. Not about the ‘step grandmother’ part, I’m assuming it’s stepdad’s mother. But why is a relatively new boyfriend of the grandmother getting such a say on which actual family members attend the funeral? It reads like they weren’t together long, certainly not married. Surely the only ones who have a say on the funeral are the ones arranging it, which would be her step dad and/or any of his siblings? It’s just really odd this person with no connection to the family bar being grandma’s boyfriend has such a final say on matters…

There is nothing more stressful than an unwanted guest st a funeral. Emotions are rocketing, and a horrible row can easily kick off. Nobody would want that.

I would encourage your SD to buy a little rose bush, or something, in memory, and hold a little private ceremony when planting it.

Usually, it’s the legal next of kin that arrange the funeral, not a fairly recent partner.

Then you need to explain to her that turning up where she isn’t wanted ( whatever the reasons) will only cause upset at a time when emotions are running high, which isn’t respecting her SG.

She can pay her own respects in different ways, planting some bulbs in the garden, writing a letter or poem to her SG, sitting quietly and listening to music, making a collage or slide show of photos etc. If it is a burial then at some point in the future she can find out where and can go there on her own or with you.

Definitely this. I think there’s much more to this than meets the eye, and inheritance issues spring to mind. If the GM’s partner is a boyfriend and they weren’t married or living together, why does he hold such sway over who does and does not attend the funeral - especially if it’s not him who is paying for it ?

If it’s a churchyard burial then phone or email the vicar of the church ( contact details are usually on a board outside the church these days) If it’s a municipal cemetery call the council and ask for the dept that manages cemeteries. They’ll know date and time of burial though not necessarily where the service before is being held.

Or they just haven't the strength to go against step GM's partner's wishes?

Well yes, maybe it's that but it's surely got to be something serious or the daughter acted appallingly to exclude a 16 year old? Why else would there be a reason for everyone closing ranks.

I was going to say the same.

the ones I've been to have been private family funerals where only family and close friends attend.

Unless people have specifically said its an open funeral, most funerals are private affairs once you get in the church or crematorium.

It sounds like they are being unfair to your DSD but I think she needs to respect the family's decision on this one, turning up on the day uninvited will just cause upset and arguments that could end up being very upsetting.
I think she should ask her mum to provide details of where the grave is after the funeral and go there to leave flowers afterwards.
She could do something special by herself to remember her step grandma, spend some time thinking if their favourite memories, donating to a charity in her name for example

I can only imagine there is a reason for this? What do think the reason behind this is?

Exactly!! Unfortunately I posted something along these lines, albeit less succinct, early on in the thread and was ignored, as others have been making similar points, so I suspect op is enjoying the idea of causing a drama. Sad really given a sixteen year old is in the middle.

I agree with what you’re saying, l wouldn’t want her to attend either under such circumstances. But I think it also has to be said that if her own family are freezing DSD out on the word of a boyfriend, despite knowing the closeness of their relationship and being aware that DSD is grieving and the funeral could help give her some closure, then nobody is respecting anyone here.

Conversely, details of most of the ones I’ve attended have been announced in the local press/obituaries and were open to anyone wanting to pay their respects. The only stipulations have been regarding flowers/donations. I was actually going to suggest that OP look in their local press because if they have announced details there, then they really have no right to stop DSD attending.

OP I'd get her to ask her mum whether she will let her know where she has been buried after the fact. At least then she can go and pay her respects.

Best to let it go.
If she finds out and attends it will turn into an awkward situation for her (and everyone else).

If there is a church service and burial, it might be easier to contact the churches in the area. There will be fewer of them than Funeral Directors I reckon.

A bit of legwork might be required here. It can be done, and the funeral can be found with a bit of detective work. Sorry I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but if she really really wants to get to the funeral, at 16 she should be able to work out how to find out other than from the family members.

What a horrible comment. Why would you think OP is enjoying the drama ? She’s watching her 16 year old DSD grieve and be excluded by those she considers family. DSD isn’t in the middle of anything - a caring step parent is trying to do her best to support her, while the girls’ own mother and step dad are among those behaving in such an awful way. If the situation was reversed and it was the girls’ mother posting she would be praised for standing up for her daughter against evil step mother. Step parents really can’t win on MN whatever they do - even when, as in this case, they are advocating for the step child themselves.

Depends on whether the boyfriend vetoes that too though. They all seem to be dancing to his tune so far, including the girls’ own mother.

I think you should leave it op. Don’t encourage a 16 year old girl to attend a funeral when it’s clear she is not welcome.

Maybe it comes across that way, but I didn’t mean it to be so. Of course you should have your child or your stepchild’s back but that includes having their best interests at heart. It’s seeing that forcing this situation will bring absolutely nothing but further upset, given how seemingly unreasonable the SDs family are being. It seems SD is seeing this as black and white, she sees it that she should be there at the funeral because she loved her grandmother v much, but it’s not black and white and as the adult in the situation, op should, again in my opinion, advise her to that end.
There is no situation where SD will attend this funeral quietly and without a fall out, given the context given so far. That certainly isn’t a situation I’d want a sixteen year old to find themselves in.