Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

I don't understand who is who. I've never heard of step grandparents, the 'step' name usually refers to dc or parents.

The fact is if, for whatever reason, a load of people do not want you at a funeral you accept that.

This is all very sad for the girl, but I don't see there is much you can do. If her own mother won't tell her the funeral arrangements then it is unlikely to go well if she turns up. Does she really want to be part of a scene at a funeral? Doesn't sound like that would help the grief.

Why don't you do your own private commemoration? You could have a picture of her, say a few words, perhaps plant a tree.

Hi @TigerandLion with the greatest respect it’s a funeral, the person she wants to pay her respects to is dead and gone. It’s a burial. You can support her to visit the grave. It will be an emotional day.

what was the falling out with the step GP’s partner? It has to be fairly significant for him not to want your STep daughter there? I think this is one of those times in life (and death) where you your step DD’a dad as an adults support making the right decision.

The person is gone, funerals are not for the dead. They’re for the living, SDD can create her own memorial and pay her respects after the funeral.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it I would really discourage my 16 year old daughter from turning up at a funeral where multiple members of the family have told her she is not welcome.

You're talking nonsense. A funeral is, by definition, the ceremony held in connection with the cremation or burial of a deceased person. I'm a funeral arranger and I organise both types of send off.

OP, you can try calling local funeral homes but they may not give out details of the funeral. If anyone calls my place with such a query I always direct them to my client to get the information from them. If the family are this insistent that your stepDD doesn't attend then they may have even instructed the funeral director to not give out information.

Sounds like there might be some inheritance issues / concerns.

One thing she could do is contact the local funeral directors and ask if they have a date/time for the funeral of (name) yet. When they say oh no we're not dealing with that one, then just apologise and say assumed they'd use xyz directors.

Chances are it may be a pre purchased package or they'll use one the family tends to use - who were grandma's husband funeral directors?

The other thing she could do is after the funeral date is pop along to the local cemetery, ask the staff which plot was(name) buried in, and go pay respects then.

I don’t think it’s the children - it appears to be the new partner of the deceased who doesn't consider her to be family. I think the issue here is that DSD may have been in the step grandmothers’ life for longer than the new partner, so his behaviour seems pretty hypocritical considering he’s only recently on the scene himself. Unless there’s a back story and there’s more to it than just not being considered family, I think it’s pretty shameful on the part of the partner and also the others who are going along with it - DD’s own mother and stepdad.

aside from the step gms partner saying the not family bit, could it just be that the step daughter is 16. So technically still a child. And the family have said no children?

in my mums family the older generation didn’t want children at funerals. It’s not their place. so adults only.

This.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.
If they don't want her there it will probably cause more drama and upset to turn up anyway

I'd go with the 'private ritual' suggestion.

Call the cemeteries. It's public record.

I'm finding it hard to believe there's no back story whatsoever to her own Mom refusing to tell her, and her living completely with you. I don't mean it's your SD fault but most Moms would fight for their daughter how you are, or explain why not.

What was the argument about?

And not for their sake but for hers. She isn't going to be able to say goodbye if their drama.

If you can find out where SGM is, she might be able to visit her at the funeral parlour if she'd want to, or as others said, do her own ritual.

“Blessedbunny · Today 08:22

Sounds like there might be some inheritance issues / concerns.”

@TigerandLion Yes, i wondered about this. Or perhaps your SD’s mother resents her choosing to live with you. It’s just so unspeakably mean.

‘Step grandmother’ in this case appears to be the mother of DD’s stepdad. It’s only the recent partner of the deceased who doesn’t want DSD at the funeral as he doesn’t see her as family. It seems the other family members are going along with it because they've been told to by the ‘grieving partner’.

This is probably one of the nastiest blended family situations I’ve seen on MN and it’s quite likely it will have a lasting effect on DSD - being frozen out by the rest of your family on the word of a relative newcomer when you’re grieving someone close must be heartbreaking. And I question the motives of the new partner who is clearly allowing his own issues with DSD to stand n the way of what his late partner would have wanted - and if she loved DSD then it definitely wouldn’t be this. I would have a hard time maintaining any kind of relationship with any of them after something like this.

OP are you sure there aren’t any inheritance issues connected with this, because unless there is something else significant it seems to be extraordinary lengths to go to, to keep someone away from the funeral of someone they loved and who loved them.

If none of the family will give her the details sounds like the problem could be with her. She needs to stay away. Funerals aren't the time to be pushy

Bear in mind there might not even be a funeral, direct cremation or direct burial without any service is becoming much more popular.

It might just be the case there is nothing to attend.

If that were the case surely they would have told her.

Just trying to understand the relationships - did your partner have three relationships - first produced your DSD; second partner is the person who has just lost their Mum (DSD's step gran) whose new partner doesn't want your DSD at the funeral ; you are the third partner?
It seems odd that the bereaved lady's new partner is calling the shots about who comes to the funeral. What is the view of the members of that family who actually know your DSD eg your DPs ex? The "refusing" thing is a bit weird. Is there massively bad feeling between your DP and his ex?
My Dad and DSM split. I feel very attached to my ex DSM as she was a huge part of my childhood, but I think people underestimate the attachment children can feel to adults that their parents bring in and out of their lives. I know our relationship is more significant to me than her and her relatives would not give me a second thought.

Funerals are for the living, yes. That’s why DSD wants to attend. She’s grieving and she needs closure. That’s what funerals are for. Pretty awful of her whole family - including her own mother - to close her out from that on the word of a recent partner.

Just trying to understand the relationships - did your partner have three relationships - first produced your DSD; second partner is the person who has just lost their Mum (DSD's step gran) whose new partner doesn't want your DSD at the funeral ; you are the third partner?
OP has refused to answer but general consensus is that the deceased was the mother of the OP's SD's mother's second husband. So deceased is OP's husband's ex wife's second husband's mother. I.e. the 16 year old's step-dad's mother.

I know it's not same @TigerandLion but if you could find where she is being buried, could you go with her after everyone has left the site, and you could take some flowers (they don't even need a card of you're worried they would be taken) and she could say some words of her own and have you and her dad there for support?

One of my sisters was buried when lockdown was still going on so we were only allowed a very small number at her funeral and at the burial site. Over the next few days, many people went to her grave side themselves to pay their respects. Just because they weren't at the funeral, didn't mean their grief or sadness didn't matter, just make sure she knows her grief counts and just because the partner is being spiteful, doesn't take away from the relationship she had with the step grandma.

OP my advice would be to give this up as a bad job, I recently lost my darling grandparent, we were close, I'm practically NC with my Mother, although I was given details and had lots of other people there who cared about me the dirty looks from my parents and the few they have convinced im evil was awful, I spent the whole day on edge, I'm glad I went as I had every right to but I'm in my 40's and have learned to be hard faced. Your SD is going to be made to feel unwelcome and at 16 I think that could be really upsetting, especially if she plans to go alone, if her own mother isn't supporting her to go even more so.
Do something to remember the deceased with her, take flowers once you find out their resting place but I really wouldn't want a 16 year old going through this.

I wouldn’t want my 16yr old going to a funeral, an occasion where emotions will already be running high where she wasn't welcome for whatever reason. I’d be worried they might turn on her, making it all so much worse.

Go and visit the grave at a later date, or plant a tree, or something else to mark her death.
It’s a shame people behave so badly, but turning up at a funeral when you've been asked not to by chief mourners isnt on really.