Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

@DappledThings

I feel sorry for the guy.
He has just lost his partner days after having an argument with her step granddaughter. Now he is being vilified on Mumsnet based on assumptions made by his son's wife's ex husband's new wife who is convinced the step granddaughter is perfect.

What was the argument with step-gran's partner about?

That is very obviously the back story here.

I doubt if we will ever find out as the OP disappeared last night before even clarifying who was related to who and how.

I’ve spoken to a few of the family again today and they have said they are refusing to tell stepdaughter the details because they are respecting her step-grandmas partners wishes when he says he doesn’t want her at the funeral. Stepdaughter is very upset over it again today. I don’t know what else I can do though except phone local funeral homes for her and see if I can get her the funeral details that way.

I don’t know what else I can do though except phone local funeral homes for her and see if I can get her the funeral details that way.

Why would you do that?

Good grief, OP. Are you determined to cause trouble?

I would be far more concerned about doing the right thing and not putting your stepdaughter in what may be an awkward or volatile situation.

Read the room. Keep away.

Exactly.

I don’t think OP needs to come back to clarify: the lady that passed away is either the girlfriend of the DSD’s grandfather, which would mean her own grandfather doesn’t want her there. Or it is the mother of the current/new partner of DSD’s mum. Based on OP’s comments, it’s the latter and it is absolutely amazing that she really inserted herself in such a sensitive topic. OP’s DH should see if he can mediate or advocate for his daughter with his ex-wife. But it is clearly none of OP’s business.

And if DSD’s mother doesn’t want to talk to her partner, who just lost his mother, to have DSD attend, for whatever reason, OP’s role is to support a 16 y/o who might be feeling grief for the first time in her life and help come to terms with the death but also the hard lesson that sometimes people do cruel things out of grief, pain or simply because they hold a grudge. And that we cannot force ourselves and the best is to let it go. But I guess it’s easier to make a fuss, add more pain and chaos and come to Mumsnet to whine and not respond valid questions.

PP ideas to have DSD honor the late lady in her own way are brilliant and would help her heal and learn from this experience.

Edit to add that just save OP’s update. Again, stay away from the topic, respect the family you are not linked to in any way, shape or form, and focus on actually supporting your DSD heal and navigate the loss.

You should explain to her that it’s not the right thing to go but that you will find the grave site to take her to after the actual funeral. Maybe take her to a local church to say. A prayer on the day if she’s religious.

Have you actually read the posts on this thread @TigerandLion

Encouraging her in this is a terrible idea.

I think your DSD turning up at the funeral will just widen the rift. I understand she’s grieving but I worry that the reception she receives will make her feel worse. The cemetery can give you the location of the plot, maybe you could take her afterwards along with some flowers and allow her to have a private moment without the drama.

This!!!

I know, I’m off topic too! My dad’s funeral was full on church service, then up to the crem. Neighbour’s and uncle’s services were at the crem. I guess if you’re religious, you get both if you want to be cremated.

I know, I’m off topic too! My dad’s funeral was full on church service, then up to the crem. Neighbour’s, other neighbour’s and uncle’s services were at the crem. I guess if you’re religious, you get both if you want to be cremated. Mother plans the same as my dad.

OP if your SD turns up at the funeral when so much effort is being made to block that happening, it will create a shitstorm. Nobody needs that stress and drama. Not the partner, not the wider family and not your SD. It's supposed to be about her step nan, not descend into an episode of EastEnders.

Instead of persisting in trying to find out the details, I'd be working with her to find an alternative way to pay her respects privately.

Why is your step daughter so much more important than her step grandmother's partner?
He is grieving and for whatever reason doesn't want her there. Her showing up will show how she has no respect for him.
If she really cared about her step grandmother then it would be nice not to cause problems at her funeral.

Aw OP you are teaching your step daughter an awful life lesson.

as much as it hurts, she isn’t welcome at this funeral. Going will cause a scene and upset the individual who seems to be the primary mourner.

Other people’s feelings matter.

and this could be an awful, hostile environment for this child. Would she not notice that and be upset. If she wants to go and ‘show them’ then you need to talk to her about her values.

If you know the approx area the funeral is to be held in, phone every funeral director in that area, plus slightly out of it, starting with the ones closest to where the deceased lived.. Explain the details in brief re you calling them , and one of them will be able to help you.

Also, do the same with every crematorium and church, because someone, somewhere will have the details you need.

A very similar thing happened to me re a very close family member, so I called the nearest crematorium to where that person lived. They were able to look in their diary and give me the dates and times I needed. Plus they were very kind in the way they dealt with me as I was a wreck.

And what does your DH say about your overwhelming urge to stir things up in his ex- wife's family? It's none of your business. If they don't want her there, they don't want her there.

OP if step GD turns up she may simply be politely asked to leave, and will have to, funerals are private events and you can be turned away, that will be more upsetting for her.

Its just a funeral, she can pay her own respects her way.

She could still be asked to leave by the undertaker or family, and have no option but to do so - which will be more upsetting.

They have made it clear she is not wanted, so best just not to go, even if she can stay the atmosphere will be dreadful.

I think the step daughter must feel very rejected anyway not least by her own parents. Something like this is unforgivable

He agrees with me.

And did we get all the interwoven relationships right? It's your DH's ex-wife's new DH's mum who died? Does your DSD have any siblings and, if so, will they be going?

Her own parents aren’t involved. This is the parent of an ex-Partner of one of her parents.

OP either has very low emotional intelligence or she is a shit stirrer.

given Her refusal to acknowledge the overwhelming opinion expressed in this thread I think she is the latter.

@Bellyblueboy

"Her own parents aren’t involved. This is the parent of an ex-Partner of one of her parents.

OP either has very low emotional intelligence or she is a shit stirrer.

given Her refusal to acknowledge the overwhelming opinion expressed in this thread I think she is the latter."

I think the Op feels sorry for her step daughter who appears to be very upset and regardless of her connection I think the Op said the SD had visited her step grandmother in the days just prior to her death so they were obviously fairly close.