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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

344 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 18:53

Continuation of the thread of the same name 😁

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 05/10/2024 16:52

Don't let this waste of space try to talk you round OP. He's trying to reel you back in so he can use you to pay his mortgage. I would put your foot down now and make it clear that the relationship is over. You don't need his permission to walk away.

Toopies · 05/10/2024 16:55

I really hope you will not be sucked back in by him.

Eddielizzard · 05/10/2024 16:55

Well sounds like he won't be able to pull the wool over your eyes. Endless picking over the past is not great though, just more opportunities for bashing each other. At some point it will be good to say 'ok, enough is enough. Let's split amicably'.

I really hope you get that house. I wouldn't tell him about it until it's a done deal tho

Savingthehedgehogs · 05/10/2024 17:03

He stands to lose his cash cow and house. Damn right he is not going to give up! He is going to throw everything at it this evening op.

Garlicbest · 05/10/2024 17:06

Awww, bless him 😍 He's very sorry you've failed to see how much he loves you! It must've been dreadfully upsetting for him when you ruined Proposal Day by being ill. And it's obvious he didn't give you the window seat because he enjoys the physical closeness when you have to lean across him.

By this evening, he'll have prepared a fabulous dinner of all your favourites and had a total personality transplant. He was just letting you pay all the bills and run the household because he understands a woman's need to feel in charge of her life. Now you've explained what irks you, he'll be wide open to a new regime 🤗

... and if you're daft enough to believe this, you'll deserve what you get (more of the same old, with added guilt trips).

Teanbiscuits33 · 05/10/2024 17:12

Seems like he keeps asking to talk so he can talk you round, OP. Why does he need to talk again tonight otherwise? Everything has already been said, surely? Be careful not to be suckered in with false promises. I’d have said no to another talking session, personally. There’s no need.

IslandShore · 05/10/2024 17:13

I wish you would go out for the evening or stay in a hotel, given money isn’t a big issue. Surely your real life friends are advising this? If you have a couple of glasses of wine with him and start to weaken this could go entirely the wrong way.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2024 17:38

@Everythingwillbeokk

I've been thinking. If you feel you must have another talk, that's your prerogative. But if he gives you the 'I looovvve you' speech tell him that you are moving out regardless and that he will have to 'win you back over time' from separate homes. His response will probably tell you everything you need to know. Because I predict that he'll either panic or become angry when he realizes that he's going to have to support his own household for months whilst he's trying to 'woo you'. And he'll probably give you an 'if you leave, we're done' ultimatum.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 05/10/2024 17:41

Sooooo.... he was full of shit about the proposal (he who doesn't want to get married) and just wanted to make you feel 'at fault' somehow. You weren't. And.... he is probably busy compiling a list of his own today to counter yours.

I wouldn't even talk to him again.

Just get yourself and your children out of there.

BlackShuck3 · 05/10/2024 17:56

More power to you OP!

deeahgwitch · 05/10/2024 18:23

IslandShore · 05/10/2024 17:13

I wish you would go out for the evening or stay in a hotel, given money isn’t a big issue. Surely your real life friends are advising this? If you have a couple of glasses of wine with him and start to weaken this could go entirely the wrong way.

I agree.
He thinks he's in with a chance so you won't upend his life.

Hedgewitch123 · 05/10/2024 18:26

deeahgwitch · 05/10/2024 18:23

I agree.
He thinks he's in with a chance so you won't upend his life.

I'm worried op agreeing will mean she is swayed back to him.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/10/2024 18:26

OP I have a feeling a lot of us would like to be in the room sitting behind you with clipboards.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/10/2024 18:28

and remember his x wife has just announced she is getting remarried...

Everythingwillbeokk · 05/10/2024 18:49

I don’t think he could ever talk me round in a million years - as someone else said even if he turned round with a 10 carat diamond I wouldn’t be interested.

Ive been to hell and back this week. It’s been absolutely bloody awful but I’m alive, and I’m focused.

Had a lovely day today with the dog. We actually ended up just sitting with a pint and watching the world go by.

Why am I letting him talk to me again? Well frankly lastnight got utterly exhausting - I’m emotionally and physically tired right now anyway - we went through I’d say about 75% of my points, and after a late night takeaway (have I mentioned I just can’t be bothered cooking at the moment?) I was shattered and just went to bed. I’m really grateful at this point that we aren’t shouty people and didn’t at any point digress into being nasty, or rude. I blew apart any hope he had of me just taking what he says and going with it - he’s so used to me just accepting what he says and getting back into my place - I think that woman has already up and ran!

So tonight I’m going to pick apart a few things he said and cover the rest of my points - yes I need to do this. It’s for me.

Apparantly he is now planning to go out tomorrow daytime with friends instead - this remains to be seen.

What I will add is that prior to this talk we had agreed that we would each have a list of points to discuss, so that our talk can remain focused. I had a list. He didn’t. He said ‘it’s all in my head’ - what a complete and utter fool. He fell at the first hurdle. And I swept the floor with him.

OP posts:
AmberAlert86 · 05/10/2024 18:57

I vet he's shocked if he's used to you going with what he says!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 05/10/2024 18:57

@Everythingwillbeokk - I am so relieved for you to read your latest post. I, like many others here, am so rooting for you to find yourself in a good position with your DC, away from this emotional vampire that is your ex. I hear what you're saying about this having been a dreadful week and I really hope you can move out soon. I wish I could do more. But know you have my support, morally, from thousands of miles away, and I am willing this to turn out all right for you. Just keep thinking about how great it will be when you are in your own home, running your own life, and not having to support a man who wants to squeeze the life out of you.

Hedgewitch123 · 05/10/2024 18:59

Everythingwillbeokk · 05/10/2024 18:49

I don’t think he could ever talk me round in a million years - as someone else said even if he turned round with a 10 carat diamond I wouldn’t be interested.

Ive been to hell and back this week. It’s been absolutely bloody awful but I’m alive, and I’m focused.

Had a lovely day today with the dog. We actually ended up just sitting with a pint and watching the world go by.

Why am I letting him talk to me again? Well frankly lastnight got utterly exhausting - I’m emotionally and physically tired right now anyway - we went through I’d say about 75% of my points, and after a late night takeaway (have I mentioned I just can’t be bothered cooking at the moment?) I was shattered and just went to bed. I’m really grateful at this point that we aren’t shouty people and didn’t at any point digress into being nasty, or rude. I blew apart any hope he had of me just taking what he says and going with it - he’s so used to me just accepting what he says and getting back into my place - I think that woman has already up and ran!

So tonight I’m going to pick apart a few things he said and cover the rest of my points - yes I need to do this. It’s for me.

Apparantly he is now planning to go out tomorrow daytime with friends instead - this remains to be seen.

What I will add is that prior to this talk we had agreed that we would each have a list of points to discuss, so that our talk can remain focused. I had a list. He didn’t. He said ‘it’s all in my head’ - what a complete and utter fool. He fell at the first hurdle. And I swept the floor with him.

So glad to read op... stay strong and keep slaying!

hanali · 05/10/2024 19:01

Hedgewitch123 · 05/10/2024 16:35

Have you read her posts abd what she pays him for?

Hiw little he contributes?

It's much morw than marriage.

I don't see how a legal agreement will change his ways.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/10/2024 19:07

Be sure to mention the window seat incident. That pretty well sums him up.

GreyBlackLove · 05/10/2024 19:10

hanali · 05/10/2024 19:01

I don't see how a legal agreement will change his ways.

I dont think anyone would have suggested having a legal contract in place ensuring her rights over joint assets, tax and inheritance benefits etc would change his ways. Instead it would give her greater protection and rights than she currently had.

That's why it's asinine to reduce being married to "a piece of paper". Much like it would be ridiculous to suggest couples who have those agreements ensured via other legal documents are just signing pieces of paper.

Savingthehedgehogs · 05/10/2024 19:18

You sound tired op, so don’t let him wear you down. He will want the talk tonight for his own benefit not yours. And that involves giving you a few scraps to keep you paying his mortgage so be it.

You sound determined and focused though, and I hope you have closure and walk away from this shitbag.

REignbow · 05/10/2024 19:24

Everythingwillbeokk · 05/10/2024 18:49

I don’t think he could ever talk me round in a million years - as someone else said even if he turned round with a 10 carat diamond I wouldn’t be interested.

Ive been to hell and back this week. It’s been absolutely bloody awful but I’m alive, and I’m focused.

Had a lovely day today with the dog. We actually ended up just sitting with a pint and watching the world go by.

Why am I letting him talk to me again? Well frankly lastnight got utterly exhausting - I’m emotionally and physically tired right now anyway - we went through I’d say about 75% of my points, and after a late night takeaway (have I mentioned I just can’t be bothered cooking at the moment?) I was shattered and just went to bed. I’m really grateful at this point that we aren’t shouty people and didn’t at any point digress into being nasty, or rude. I blew apart any hope he had of me just taking what he says and going with it - he’s so used to me just accepting what he says and getting back into my place - I think that woman has already up and ran!

So tonight I’m going to pick apart a few things he said and cover the rest of my points - yes I need to do this. It’s for me.

Apparantly he is now planning to go out tomorrow daytime with friends instead - this remains to be seen.

What I will add is that prior to this talk we had agreed that we would each have a list of points to discuss, so that our talk can remain focused. I had a list. He didn’t. He said ‘it’s all in my head’ - what a complete and utter fool. He fell at the first hurdle. And I swept the floor with him.

Well I am pleased to read your latest post! You have your head firmly screwed on and those rose tinted glasses are well and truly off!

If things get too intense, just grey rock him.

GreyBlackLove · 05/10/2024 19:29

If the second chat gives you the closure you want then great, please just keep in mind that he'll be desperate to get you back onside.

BirthdayRainbow · 05/10/2024 19:31

I used to go along with my husband mostly too. He said to me the other day he sees me for what I am now.

Except now I'm his ex wife, stand up for myself and take no shit. Admittedly sometimes I have been upset but I'm a whole new person and he Does Not Like It.

Keep going and I hope he's paying for the takeaways.

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