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Original poster

Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

344 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 18:53

Continuation of the thread of the same name 😁

OP posts:
Toopies · 05/10/2024 19:46

He needs to start parenting as you will soon be gone.
The sooner he starts cooking, laundry, pick ups the better.
Do not allow him to continue to use you as a skivvy.
So delighted that you are done.
His loss.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2024 20:45

@Everythingwillbeokk

So glad to read your last update. It's obvious that you have your head on straight and that you value yourself. You may have 'lost' yourself there for a bit, but you're back with a vengeance.

I understand the talk is 'for you'. I understand the need to get your truth out there. But I think it's best to be prepared for your words to fall on stony ground. He simply doesn't have the ability to truly understand who you really are and where you're coming from. So speak your truth, but please don't exhaust yourself in doing so. It's just not worth it and you need your strength to get out of there.

Fraaahnces · 05/10/2024 21:33

Once you realise you are his intellectual superior by many, many light years, you just can’t un-ick the relationship. To get to that point you unfortunately have to come to the conclusion that you have been dumbing yourself down by buying into his shit for so long in the first place.

Hammy19 · 05/10/2024 23:38

I'll look forwards to a non update as it's clear that you're going to stay with him. Good luck

HomeTheatreSystem · 06/10/2024 03:22

Some of you saying she will stay with him as he'll talk her round are being very unfair.

She carried out her ultimatum to leave (not physically but once her rental is sorted) barely a week ago because the marriage/house buying was not going to happen, only now she's realised too just how badly she was being used by him and how little he really thinks of her, not to mention he's so fucking stupid I think the ick, as a PP mentioned, has started to creep in. That's a lot to come to terms with in a short space of time.

EVEN IF she gave him another chance, he'd stuff up so fast because he really is that stupid, she'd be gone in no time. The chats they are having, whilst seemingly pointless now, are a way of putting it all to bed: she needs to hear him reconfirm himself as a total bellend because that way she knows there's no going back ever.

They could have had their own separate houses but carried on dating just to get on an even keel financially but letting him talk and condemn himself as a shit life partner is blowing that possibility out the water. I expect she may also realise that when his face fell as it did during their first talk, it was partly because much of what she said to him about how he treats her, he's already heard from his EXW. She seeing Mr I Almost Proposed and This is All in Your Head is showing up as the best he can ever be and it's beyond pitiful.

2catsandhappy · 06/10/2024 03:33

This has just reminded me how the one time I stood up for myself giving a few home truths to a horrible ex. His jaw fell open and he started blustering and bluffing about "Oh the real you is coming out now, now I know what you really think, can't believe I was fooled all this time blah blah"
No acknowledgement or introspection, straight to defensive and self pity.

I hope you get to say everything you want to @Everythingwillbeokk

Edingril · 06/10/2024 03:38

HomeTheatreSystem · 06/10/2024 03:22

Some of you saying she will stay with him as he'll talk her round are being very unfair.

She carried out her ultimatum to leave (not physically but once her rental is sorted) barely a week ago because the marriage/house buying was not going to happen, only now she's realised too just how badly she was being used by him and how little he really thinks of her, not to mention he's so fucking stupid I think the ick, as a PP mentioned, has started to creep in. That's a lot to come to terms with in a short space of time.

EVEN IF she gave him another chance, he'd stuff up so fast because he really is that stupid, she'd be gone in no time. The chats they are having, whilst seemingly pointless now, are a way of putting it all to bed: she needs to hear him reconfirm himself as a total bellend because that way she knows there's no going back ever.

They could have had their own separate houses but carried on dating just to get on an even keel financially but letting him talk and condemn himself as a shit life partner is blowing that possibility out the water. I expect she may also realise that when his face fell as it did during their first talk, it was partly because much of what she said to him about how he treats her, he's already heard from his EXW. She seeing Mr I Almost Proposed and This is All in Your Head is showing up as the best he can ever be and it's beyond pitiful.

Yup it is totally unfair to say the story is as old as time women puts up eith crap knows its crap puts up with it again knows what they should do but don't then just keep in doing the same cloche then the cycle continues with the next generation

Women have brains they just to use them every once in a while

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2024 05:45

HomeTheatreSystem · 06/10/2024 03:22

Some of you saying she will stay with him as he'll talk her round are being very unfair.

She carried out her ultimatum to leave (not physically but once her rental is sorted) barely a week ago because the marriage/house buying was not going to happen, only now she's realised too just how badly she was being used by him and how little he really thinks of her, not to mention he's so fucking stupid I think the ick, as a PP mentioned, has started to creep in. That's a lot to come to terms with in a short space of time.

EVEN IF she gave him another chance, he'd stuff up so fast because he really is that stupid, she'd be gone in no time. The chats they are having, whilst seemingly pointless now, are a way of putting it all to bed: she needs to hear him reconfirm himself as a total bellend because that way she knows there's no going back ever.

They could have had their own separate houses but carried on dating just to get on an even keel financially but letting him talk and condemn himself as a shit life partner is blowing that possibility out the water. I expect she may also realise that when his face fell as it did during their first talk, it was partly because much of what she said to him about how he treats her, he's already heard from his EXW. She seeing Mr I Almost Proposed and This is All in Your Head is showing up as the best he can ever be and it's beyond pitiful.

I totally agree. Posters seem to expect ops to act very immediately and this is not always possible. Emotionally we are hugely complex creatures and life doesn’t work like that. Op from what she’s written has 2 primary aged children and a full time job. She needs a roof over their heads and for life to continue to tick along. Forgot to mention I think you may well be right about already hearing the same things from his ex wife.

ThatWardrobe · 06/10/2024 09:27

How did it go last night, OP?

Trixiefirecracker · 06/10/2024 09:33

Well done OP. Absolutely rooting for you and your new life. You deserve so much more and what’s really very clear is you believe that you do, so heartening to hear on MN…there are so many women on here who put up with shitty ‘less-than’ treatment. Hope last night went as well as can be expected.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 06/10/2024 09:40

I've got a funny feeling OP is going to stay with him. He'll promise the marriage just to put the brakes on her plans to leave, but it won't materialise. OP will just stop posting updates and we'll never find out the outcome. I'm really invested in her story but also very aware that this is someone's life. I really want her to do the right thing for her and her kids 🙏🏼

NarnianQueen · 06/10/2024 11:01

I think you're going to have an amazing new life without this deadweight dragging you down.

And knowing his life is in ruins will just make it sweeter 😆

Hedgewitch123 · 06/10/2024 13:16

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 06/10/2024 09:40

I've got a funny feeling OP is going to stay with him. He'll promise the marriage just to put the brakes on her plans to leave, but it won't materialise. OP will just stop posting updates and we'll never find out the outcome. I'm really invested in her story but also very aware that this is someone's life. I really want her to do the right thing for her and her kids 🙏🏼

It takes on average 7 attempts to leave before women in abusive relationships actually leave.

It's very difficult for people to do.

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 16:33

Op hasn’t been back? I hope she is okay,

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 06/10/2024 16:35

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 16:33

Op hasn’t been back? I hope she is okay,

I agree. Probably exhausted?

Hedgewitch123 · 06/10/2024 16:43

Hoping op is ok

Hedgewitch123 · 06/10/2024 19:17

Any update op?

Deb13b · 06/10/2024 21:44

Bump

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 06/10/2024 21:47

She's gone back to him.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 07/10/2024 04:32

Hopefully she wont. But if she does then she needs to know that posters won't tear her to bits for it because we understand how hard it can be to leave and how tempting it can be to believe promises of change and declarations of love.

She needs to know that when he goes back to normal and she realises she got manipulated that she can start the leaving process again, and come back for support.

Savingthehedgehogs · 07/10/2024 06:34

The silence is beginning to speak volumes…

No one is going to give op a hard time, she does need to immediately stop paying the mortgage and invest in her own property for her children’s sake if nothing else.

Life is never as straight forward as hope it will be, especially an enormous decision to separate. In reality it will take months, even if the process started today.

Op, you can still come back for support if you need it, no one will judge you if he managed to talk you around, but protecting yourself and your children can still be done.

LushLemonTart · 07/10/2024 06:56

Op can always name change if she needs support again. It can take time to leave.

Garlicbest · 07/10/2024 07:16

Blimey, people, give her a chance! It's only been a day. However the talks turned out, this is someone's life going through a big disruption. She doesn't owe us an instant update.

Bourbanbiscuit · 07/10/2024 07:46

Thinking of you op, hope all is well, whatever you've decided to do 💐

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 07/10/2024 11:16

Blimey all! Well no I have not gone back with him!

To update - Saturday he ended up having to visit a relative so wasn’t back until late. So I figured probably best not having the chat that night - it was late. It wouldn’t have ended well.

Yesterday the talk was planned again - I’ll come to that - but first I had to sort adult stuff and do the food shop, after all there are kids in the house and I’m fairly sure no food is considered neglect. So I decided to take myself out for a little trip, and go to a bigger supermarket in a neighbouring town and have a really decent wander at the home stuff too. He asked if he could come so I begrudgingly agreed - after all - I’m trying to be an adult about all this (and it’s also easier when he just chooses his own lunches for work)

Anyway - he was nice as pie all day. And I mean like a different person - yes my spidey senses were all over this one!!! Then on the way home he said ‘I should be grateful he has allowed me to live in his house paying such a pittance’

A pittance!!! That’s more than half the bills and mortgage!!! Funny how that ‘pittance’ is the difference between him being able to afford his own house or not isn’t it.

I readdressed the list later in the evening - and when he said he didn’t want to talk about it, I tried passing it to him, he ignored me, so I tapped the 3 pieces of A4 paper on the top of his head once

To my absolute horror he then said “you’ve hit me!” Oh yes - he is now claiming that I’ve hit him and been aggressive - WITH 3 FLAT PIECES OF A4 PAPER!!!!!

So now we are back at stalemate, not speaking and I have the other house viewing booked in for this Friday.

I think essentially I’ve completely blown his world apart - he can’t understand why I’m not just climbing back into my box and going along with what he says. He’s lost everything. I didn’t want it to come to this, but im at the point now where I am enjoying seeing his anguish.

He has also not gone to work today - no idea if he has taken leave or called in sick.

OP posts: