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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

344 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 18:53

Continuation of the thread of the same name 😁

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 05/10/2024 09:37

Checking in and hoping for a positive update.

LePetitMaman · 05/10/2024 11:00

Morning @Everythingwillbeokk hope it went well

Ohitsallbullshit · 05/10/2024 11:27

Following from thread one. Hope all is ok @Everythingwillbeokk

Deb13b · 05/10/2024 11:43

Checking in to see how you are. Hope everything went OK last night x

ilovelamp82 · 05/10/2024 12:16

Hope you're ok.

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 05/10/2024 12:43

Morning all! I’m ok! I do honestly feel like I’ve got all of you behind me and it’s getting me through 😊

So we eventually talked at around 7pm for the entire night. My list addressed everything I had an issue with - his attitude towards my job, my kids, his excessive phone use, the lack of commitment etc etc. It was fairly extensive and actually - quite a difficult read when I started.

Anyway - he actually listened and I saw his face drop further and further. He realises now what a complete and utter fool he has been. I’ve ripped his entire world to shreds.

No shock at all to any of us - but I even had from him that he had intended on proposing on our recent holiday but because we had had one argument - I was poorly one day and hadn’t wanted to explore but wanted to sit and rest - that he decided to not do. I think my eyes rolled backwards at this point. Predictability level 1000.

I think I needed to go through that lastnight, I needed to get everything out. He’s asked if we can talk again about it all so I have reluctantly agreed to tonight again as I have no plans other than sitting with a takeaway and watching a movie on my laptop in bed - where has his big lads night out disappeared to eh?!

For now though - I’m off to walk the dog and get some peace and perspective in my mind.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 05/10/2024 12:47

He's so obvious, isn't he. At least you knew it was coming.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 05/10/2024 12:53

So the marriage proposal to keep you sweet was all there, in the past and he had to bring it up last night to show you what you were missing. I have a headache because my eyes have rolled so far back in my head. He'll come up with something else tonight to try to persuade you to stay. Create a bingo game.
My children love you
I realise what a fool I've been. Can we start again
You won't cope without me
My family are so sad that we're splitting
Etc etc
Stay strong

ThatsCute · 05/10/2024 12:54

“I was going to propose last holiday, but you ruined it, so I didn’t.” That old chestnut…quelle surprise indeed.

Dontbeme · 05/10/2024 12:58

but I even had from him that he had intended on proposing on our recent holiday

Should have asked to see the ring, oh let me guess he was going to bring you shopping to pick it out (attempts to squeeze out tears by thinking how he's going to pay for the mortgage, family car and holidays himself)

GreyBlackLove · 05/10/2024 13:01

What an arse he is. Did he honestly think that the knowledge of a "ruined" proposal, because he didn't have empathy or patients when you were unwell would be some sort of lure?

Glad you're feeling strong OP but keep your wits about you and guard up. I have a feeling he could turn very nasty indeed once his bankroller is gone.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/10/2024 13:02

So even though he'd said he was dead against marriage, he was intending to propose recently but then changed his mind? Sure, totes believable. I guess the ring for this proposal is still hidden away somewhere?

Still, be careful OP. Don't say anything that might trigger more extreme behaviour until you have somewhere new to live. 'I really need some time to think all this through' is a useful phrase in the meantime.

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 05/10/2024 13:05

Also in case anyone was wondering if he had intended to propose on holiday, did he have a ring? Yes he did. At the end of the holiday he gave me a ring as a gift. It also wasn’t an engagement ring but was one that I had pointed out to him a couple of months earlier in Pandora that I liked - I will also add that I wear loads of rings all the time, stacked, so a ring wouldn’t have been an unusual gift to buy me.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/10/2024 13:17

PullTheBricksDown · 05/10/2024 13:02

So even though he'd said he was dead against marriage, he was intending to propose recently but then changed his mind? Sure, totes believable. I guess the ring for this proposal is still hidden away somewhere?

Still, be careful OP. Don't say anything that might trigger more extreme behaviour until you have somewhere new to live. 'I really need some time to think all this through' is a useful phrase in the meantime.

I agree... he blew it with the - well I would have proposed to you on holiday but you were being difficult - sentiment, that says an awful lot about his thinking. ie its your fault he didn't propose, you have only yourself to blame etc.

OP. You have said you are exhausted by this and were hoping to have a quiet evening.

Do you really want to have a Round 2?

He's got all day to think up more justifications, more explaining why its your fault. potentially more pressurising and gleaning info about your plans etc.

Consider what you hope to get out of further discussion and weigh up if you actually want to go over it all again. You will probably need further conversations as your plans progress anyway. You don't have to do this immediately if you are exhausted. You could postpone Round 2 and have a quiet evening at a friends.

IslandShore · 05/10/2024 13:33

No reason to go for round 2 as previous poster says. Utter waste of your time and his. You are much better off watching a movie on your laptop.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 05/10/2024 13:34

Everythingwillbeokk · 05/10/2024 12:43

Morning all! I’m ok! I do honestly feel like I’ve got all of you behind me and it’s getting me through 😊

So we eventually talked at around 7pm for the entire night. My list addressed everything I had an issue with - his attitude towards my job, my kids, his excessive phone use, the lack of commitment etc etc. It was fairly extensive and actually - quite a difficult read when I started.

Anyway - he actually listened and I saw his face drop further and further. He realises now what a complete and utter fool he has been. I’ve ripped his entire world to shreds.

No shock at all to any of us - but I even had from him that he had intended on proposing on our recent holiday but because we had had one argument - I was poorly one day and hadn’t wanted to explore but wanted to sit and rest - that he decided to not do. I think my eyes rolled backwards at this point. Predictability level 1000.

I think I needed to go through that lastnight, I needed to get everything out. He’s asked if we can talk again about it all so I have reluctantly agreed to tonight again as I have no plans other than sitting with a takeaway and watching a movie on my laptop in bed - where has his big lads night out disappeared to eh?!

For now though - I’m off to walk the dog and get some peace and perspective in my mind.

Actually thought for a second you were going to say you're giving him another chance! So glad you're staying strong though.

Snowfalling · 05/10/2024 14:05

Why do you keep agreeing to have these long chats with him? He WILL talk you round, he has more at stake than you so will now fight to save the relationship.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/10/2024 14:13

ThatsCute · 05/10/2024 12:54

“I was going to propose last holiday, but you ruined it, so I didn’t.” That old chestnut…quelle surprise indeed.

Exactly.

I really hope you don't let him derail your plans. You'll be right back where you started, in a month. Except the nice house will be rented to someone else.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/10/2024 14:28

So he was going to propose with a stacking ring from Pandora? No issue with that if you are short on funds, but what an idiot. Even that alone would drive me away.
(I am not big on jewellery but as you are that ring was just one you would add to your collection!)
He has gone from being vile to giving it the whole hang dog impression. Poor him.
Personally I wouldn’t do Round 2. It’s just words.
He has shown you over and over who he is.
Again, he asked you to get your inheritance early from your mum, but did not want to marry you. He’s quite an operator.
Sometimes we stay because moving feels to hard. We go for familiarity - we have all done it.
But I can’t think of a poster here who would encourage you to.
He thought he had the upper hand and now he hasn’t he will move to his own little victim script.
Even if he asked you to marry him now, would you even want to?

REignbow · 05/10/2024 14:31

The fact that he has an attitude towards your children and you are essentially paying his mortgage, means he’s nothing more than a user.

i agree with PP, what exactly is the point of having another chat?

He wants to talk to you again in order to manipulate you.

You need to move out, not only for yourself but also for your DC.

REignbow · 05/10/2024 14:37

I would also add that the whole l was going to propose to you but didn’t because we had an argument, is bullshit.

The man that wouldn’t swap seats with you on a plane, expects you to do all the chores (and gets annoyed if they are not done) whilst you work FT, this is who he is.

The only person he loves is himself. You are nothing more than an appliance to serve his needs.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2024 14:39

@Everythingwillbeokk

I'll bet it was exhausting. Are you sure you want to put yourself through the same thing tonight? What more do you think there is or needs to be said?

By any chance are you hoping he (or you) says some 'magic words' that will make everything OK soyou can stay? I used to be that way, talk and talk, listen and listen, just hoping those magic words would appear that would fix everything. Sadly, they never did.

And considering his selfish attitude towards money, I wouldn't marry him if he got down on one knee with a 10 carat diamond. You simply have too much to lose.

Hillfarmer · 05/10/2024 14:40

Hi OP,

You don't need to have Round 2 at all. Sounds like you have given him lots to go on with. He can work it out from here on in. You absolutely don't have to justify yourself. Don't get hooked on the idea that you need him to agree this. This is your decision.

A very short and possibly unecessary reminder of an old MN saying: you don't need his permission to end the relationship.

Having another long, in-depth discussion only benefits HIM. Consider if there is any benefit to you to do this. It is not selfish to change your mind. You need a nice quiet evening doing what you want to do, in your nice child-free weekend. You don't owe him this. And if you think you do owe him another arduous long chat, how about a third or a fourth? He will continue to string this out and it is a way of making you do things. Controlling the weather. Don't let him guilt you into it.

Backing you all the way here. You are doing really well OP.

IslandShore · 05/10/2024 14:41

Unfortunately I think the OP is in real danger of being talked around. She has his attention now and is enjoying it. Understandable but remember him not giving you the window seat on the plane, he has no respect for you, no love for you.

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/10/2024 14:42

Has he forgotten that it was just after the recent holiday (which you paid for and where he and his kids refused to let you have the window seat and when he says he almost proposed to you with a non-engagement ring you got given anyway) that you had the marriage/house-buying convo again and he dug his heels in and refused to do either ??? Can't believe he's taking you for a fool. Let him have another talk tonight just so he can bang the final nail in his own coffin.