Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Continuation of the thread of the same name 😁

@Deb13b You have no idea what’s going on, maybe she has better things to do than keeping complete strangers updated. All these ‘I knew she wouldn’t really leave him’ posts are really not helpful and sound stupidly self congratulatory, like you have some kind of secret insight into OP’s life or you know exactly how these kind of scenarios play out and are therefore some kind of genius of human nature. You don’t and you are not.

One problem with these 'cheering on' threads is that the op enjoys the support and that provides an incentive to prolong the problem or never really solve it.

If op was in the,situation she was actually statiing she is / was in... it is very serious.

The guy is basically taking financial advantage of her.

So it isn't what you've said by offering support, from most anyway.

It's actually helping people get out of awful patriarchal situations.

Expecting op to pay for mortgage, Holidays and play housewife whilst working full-time and not supporting her should he die, expecting her to pay mortgage but if he shpuld die not leaving any financial security... basically is abusive in my eyes and she deserves support to change or find a solution that works for her.

How can you think her situation is ok to be in May I ask please? I just wonder why some women see it as awful, but others think ifs acceptable for a man to treat their partner in this way.

I think a lot of us can say we have stayed in a situation far longer than we should have.
Been treated badly, garnered support from those around us who are at their wits’ end with us, we know we should leave, we circle our wagons, and then for some reason we stay.
The people who love us don’t get it, they get a bit fed up in the end, and then there is an awkward phase when the people who have told us to LTB now have to cope with age fact that we haven’t.
I have never been in OP’s shoes, more a nightmare boyfriend in my twenties, but even then it drove so many people away. Eventually I LTB.
All OP had wanted is to get married and provide a stable home and her partner has wanted something different. From all of the information we have received, he has probably finally got that OP leaving him will hit him in the wallet. And so perhaps this week there has been talk of marriage, or a ring, or some sort of peace declared. And the cycle begins again.
OP if you read any of this, you don’t owe any of us a single thing, but even if you are currently planning a wedding and you have settled yourself in some way, always come back if you need to as it’s good to talk.
It is not a soap opera, you aren’t Peggy Mitchell, it’s your real life.

100%

"OP if you read any of this, you don’t owe any of us a single thing, but even if you are currently planning a wedding and you have settled yourself in some way, always come back if you need to as it’s good to talk."

Well said. OP there is no judgement from me. I have been in your place (knowing I should leave, but staying). I did leave, when it was right for me to do so. If you feel you need to 'try again' with him, then do so. Just leave a bit of room in you to watch carefully and leave if and when you get the 'Ah HA moment'.

We'll be here then with no judgement. Well no judgement from hopefully most of us.

That's kind, PeggyMitchell

I would reply but your post makes no sense whatsoever!

It does really... yours doesn't to me. I don't get how her posting on here for support means that it wouldn't help her solve the problem? Can you explain why?

It has had 3 "thanks"... so it must just be you lol.

I could explain but I cant be arsed mostly because .... no I just cant be arsed at all, have a nice day 😇

Actually there are two Peggy Mitchells. The one played by Babs Windsor…. and me!

I don't mean it to sound nasty ! It's just very frustrating watching someone who has the ability to leave stay and put herself and her kids through that ! I would absolutely love to hear a happy ending. Lots of women stay because they have no option ( finances, no family support etc ) so I'd really hoped she would feel empowered enough to leave, and make a fresh start with the kids.

It’s possible he could have found the thread so that’s why she’s not posted?

@SurelySmartie I suspect it was all a story.

I agree. I think there's three possibilities

1. It was made up
2. She's gone back to him
3. Something more sinister has happened

Hopefully it's not the last one, but either way I don't think we'll find out for sure.

If it were made up,

why didn't the Op @Everythingwillbeokk come back on say Tuesday and tell us that the original rental was available for her as the agency had taken references and credit checks etc. for the 1st 3 candidates - the Op being No 2 and No 1 had not passed thus the property was hers if she wanted.

and she had accepted it as despite rental No 2 potentially being ' nicer ' she had managed to lower the rental amount when viewing and as it was only going to be for a year, she decided the money was better in her bank account rather than in a landlords.

Then the Op could have said the property was available and had spent the next day packing and moved straight in.

we would all have wished her well, and that would have been that.

Hi all!

Sorry for the late update - I was actually away with work last week and I’ve found everything a bit on top of me. Thank you all so much for your comments and concern.

Anyway - updates. Firstly I’m ok.

I went viewing house number 2 on Friday - it’s not perfect but it’s honestly as close as I can get it. New kitchen though!! What an utter bonus. I put my application in and I’ve got the house!!!!! Was told about it this morning. I’ve submitted the documents they need and made the holding payment. They estimate it’s 2 week turnaround. Like I said - it’s not perfect but it’s not permanent.

Now for him. In the past week I’ve had the suggestion from him to add me to the mortgage and split the ownership of it. I just explained to him that this wouldn’t ever be an option since he would never agree to split it fairly. Had major kick back from him on this - difficult one for me to navigate as I’ve honestly just tried to keep things ‘ok’ till I knew I had an escape route planned.

Weekend was odd - all kids were here. Tried my best to just be normal for them but by lastnight it had all broken down again - to the point that he has made some very very nasty hurtful comments to me. I went to bed early.

Now here’s the thing - he doesn’t know I’ve got the house. Or even viewed this one for that matter. When he knows is where it can really kick off so I’ve blocked my diary out for the week and know that from tomorrow morning there will be nobody here every day during the day. I’ve got time to get the small stuff sorted then can get the bigger stuff moved in a day.

So pleased you got the second rental @Everythingwillbeokk . Did you put in an accompanying letter to the Landlord in the end?

Re relationship with your STBX - Sounds like you would maybe be better doing the flit WITHOUT telling him in advance? Or if you end up having to tell him eventually give him a later date of the move in?

Rooting for you that it all goes well and you will be all sorted very soon

Great update - do you mean you're booking out the week you can move in or you're going to move your bits somewhere else in the meantime? It's a shame he's now stooping to name calling when two minutes previously he wanted to share the mortgage with you. He sounds very desperate!

Oh @Everythingwillbeokk, great news about your new home! Congratulations - and really well done on what sounds like a very emotionally stressful time with STBX.

He's really showing who he is now, isn't he? I think you're right to keep your news to yourself for now. Wishing you a following wind and the promise of a happily uncomplicated Christmas with your DC!

Wow! Great update! Fingers crossed that you have a smooth departure.

Thanks for the update and fantastic you got your house!

@Everythingwillbeokk good for you, although not sure why you even entertained the conversation about splitting the mortgage as his s treatment of you over the last couple of weeks is enough for this to be over regardless. Perhaps you were just trying to keep the peace but probably not wise to enter into conversations that only there is any hope of reconciliation.
Dont forget to set up postal redirection for when you move, you don’t want to have any reason to interact or return after you’ve left. I know it’s still local so he can probably find out relatively easily but don’t give him your new address. He doesn’t need to know you’re moving until you have.

hi OP, glad you’re okay. I was more concerned you were in a serious way rather than this being fake.

Im so pleased you have the house, it might not be “perfect” in the traditional sense, but it’s a way out and that’s perfect.