Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Continuation of the thread of the same name 😁

Don't go shopping with him or anything else! Stop wasting your energy trying to have talks with him or trying to tell him all the things he's done wrong. Pack your stuff and get out of there asap, even if it means staying at mum's and sleeping on the sofa. You're done with him so don't engage any more.

I agree with all PP

l also find it quite concerning that he can’t just leave you alone? He wanted to come shopping, hasn’t gone into work today and insists that you talk.

Stop. Just stop. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, he views you with contempt and calls your contributions “pittance”.

You’ve paid for the car, holidays and pay half his mortgage for him plus bills.

The sooner you move the better.

The accusation that you hit him is very serious, coming from a police officer. In no way was he joking or teasing—the relationship isn’t that kind of relationship. Get out fast.

This is my concern as well. He's on the inside, as a police officer. He knows the games they can play. That's why he kept verbally saying that you assaulted him. Evidence. God knows if he has cameras or other recording devices planted.

Just get out of there as quickly as you can. Can you afford a Premier Inn for a week or so?

@Everythingwillbeokk

He's pushing your buttons and unfortunately it worked so he'll keep doing it. I know, tapping him on the head with a piece of paper does not constitute assault, but you should have no physical contact with him whatsoever. His law-enforcement, he knows how to get people to cross that line.

Just stop talking. Nothing you say to him is gonna make any difference anyway, he simply does not hear you. I understand that you may feel that you need to say it, but it's not going to do any good you may as well be talking to a brick wall. Any reaction he gives you is simply to get a rise out of you to suit his own agenda.

law-enforcement, he knows how to get people to cross that line
This- he's a pro & knows exactly what he is doing, he'll want to punish you for leaving him & making his life harder. He may well have been recording the paper incident as part of the case he wants to build against you OP.

He's a nasty piece of work, I would be so wary of him and what he is capable of.
He could report you, report your care of your children.
Be wary.

No futher discussion.
Focus on your exit.

This. My sister was a solicitor. She said often cops will say things like "Stop resisting!!" when the person they are accosting wasn't resisting at all; it's to build a record against the person. Then their fellow officer can say "I heard him tell her to stop resisting!" And it looks bad for the arrestee.

His "you hit me," might have been along these lines. Building a case. Even if it were spontaneous yesterday, it may plant the seed and he may start recording you and making exclamations that falsly imply you are assaulting him.

You are pulling the rug out from under his life. Remember the window seat episode - do you think someone with that little consideration and kindness will hesitate at making trouble for you?

I realize this may sound melodramatic but ... better safe than sorry. Don't give him any more fuel.

But to what end? They aren’t married, they have no joint assets or joint children? He gets nothing out of building a case?

OP, just keep planning and get out asap. Focus on you and how you make the transition less stressful for your kids as, no doubt, there will be some reverberations. They’ll understand, though, because they have a mum who loves them and put both them and herself first.

You’ve got this.

Revenge against someone he feels has emasculated him, caused him financial worry, forced the uprooting of his kid and left him to do his own wife work.

To fxxk with her and her life.
Cause her upset.
Scum like him do not like their plans thwarted.
He will lose more than half his mortgage payment and his skivvy aupair....

More than enough of a reason to want to mess with her life as she is trying to leave.

OP please stop engaging with him, it’s time to ignore now, he’s not going to change. He’s taking the piss saying you were paying a pittance. Imagine marrying him, and his behaviour getting worse, you can imagine how messy the divorce would be. Get away now while you aren’t tied to him, you can do better

If he does try to escalate his hitting claim (and I suspect he might) this thread would provide a useful timeline.

Please get away as fast as you can.

Personally I think you should secretly record your interactions with him from now on.

Like others, I think the "you hit me" thing is quite telling. I can see him trying to low-key wind you up into reacting negatively. Just look at what happened. His version is he was sitting there doing nothing and you lost your temper and hit him on the head. He's manipulative.

Keep your distance as much as possible and record everything quietly until you are out of there.

Yes , it’s a well known fact that you can buy more cheaply in Nov & Dec when less buyers are around. No harm investigating.

I'm glad you got to get all well most of your points across to him. It speaks volumes that he had no list and dismissed yours. Also how dare you assault him with sheets of A4 paper you absolute monster 😂 said in total jest as I did laugh when I read that bit

This.

Get out of that house. Stay at your mother's.

He's lining up the trap. Most likely to claim you've assaulted him.

YOu need to stop trying to have any conversations with him about it after his 'you hit me' false allegation.

View houses, get one, and get out of there.

He only wants you for your wallet and housekeeping at this point, that much is obvious.

I don’t think there’s any point in repeatedly hitting him over the head (literally and figuratively) with your list. It’s over and you’ve made the decision to leave (quite rightly.) if anything, being read a list is more likely to make him shut down / feel angry and resentful, and none of it matters as you’re going anyway.

Agree with others here - we are all saying similar. Worrying that he cries assault over three bits of paper. He will never see it the way you do - no point in finishing the list with him. He may well create more exaggerations of where you did him wrong. Avoid him as much as possible, grey rock if you do speak to him, maybe even change tack, be nice as pie to achieve peace. Get out of there as quickly as you can. Don't share your plans on this - let him come home to an empty house one day. He believes you to be less than him, that contempt could cause you a lot of trouble when you are no longer going along with what he wants.

I think if my husband tried to make me read 3 pieces of A4 about how awful I was and all the things I'd do wrong I'd rather just divorce. If you've decided it's over then it's over. It sounds as though you don't communicate if you give each other documents rather than talk.
It's not clear why he was so keen for you to return home if he wasn't interested in trying to save the marriage.. It sounds like he just likes trying to control you.
This sounds very over.

I am not sure that you read the OP's posts or if you did, quite got the gist of things.

I would watch your step op. If he is claiming you assaulted him, he is not going to respectfully allow this to end amicably.

I would fast track my plans and get out fast before he ruins you. A criminal record isn’t going to be helpful, and it seems he is going to try and take you down by lying.

This isn’t at the stage anymore of doing a postmortem or sitting down and hearing each other out. You need to leave.

Hmmm, no idea what he’s up to but a cautionary tale that my friend’s DH did something similar and she ended up being arrested overnight for assault on his say so. Nothing major had happened ( like the paper incident) but he was very angry and wanted to hurt her so basically fabricated the assault. When people are hurt and upset they do and say awful things. Hope you are okay OP.

Agree with above.
There is absolutely no harm in being over-cautious at this point.
If it turns out you were over-cautious, you can look back and laugh... if in fact it is fully justified, you will be very very glad you did. I don't think you lose anything (a few expenses) by acting cautiously. Look on it as insurance in safety and sanity.

"Trying to address every issue with him because I feel like we both deserve to have covered it all. There’s no questions then, no come backs."

Drop the list until you are safely away, if not completely.
There clearly are questions and comebacks. So many people have said as a police officer he could be building a case based on the paper incident.

His flip flopping of nice/nasty behaviour. Coming with you to the shops - under the circumstances that could just be checking up on you. No reason for him to come at all.. and as for making sure you buy the right lunch materials for him? Why??? I also think his sudden taking days off is for the same reason... to see what you are up to. He's spent time talking to friends and relatives after all and is probably getting similar advice on how to handle you.

One of the reasons you've felt compelled to leave is because of his meanness, financially, emotionally, this feels to me that having had a list of his faults read out and being financially worse off, not to mention the humiliation of being called out by the person he thought he was controlling - I do think he will want his revenge in one way or another. He cares about his own well being, not yours. Reading a further list of how he's hurt you - is not going to have the reaction you'd expect. He won't feel a moments guilt or self-reflection.

As others have advised. Disengage completely, whilst maintaining a civil front. Stall as much as possible, say you just need time to think as you don't know what to do. Do not let him goad you into a reaction like the paper thing again. (Deny it each and every time he mentions it but don't go into explainations - just repeat You know that is not true) Bright and breezy grey rock. Don't give away any more hints or indications of your plans. You don't have to answer questions or respond in any way to more goading. Just polite and calm, I don't feel this is the right time to discuss this, or similar