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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

529 replies

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:33

Since we started dating he has always been strict about time keeping. Was always very early to our dates and he's on the spectrum.

We are going for a long weekend next week, the flight is 2 hours. He says he wants to go 3 hours before the flight.

I don't want to do this. I haven't come from a family that spent 3 hours in the airport and I never go earlier than 2. I see it as a waste of time.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together. On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 04/10/2024 14:46

You are supposed to be there a minimum of 2 hours in advance. 3 hours is not unreasonable to allow for hold ups with travel, parking etc. If you end up with extra time you can have a drink, a meal, browse the shops, read and get your trip off to a nice relaxed start.

I say this as someone with ADHD who suffers from terrible time management and has missed 3 flights. Don't be me. It's really no fun being stressed out with lateness/ near misses/ actual missed planes and the latter is a bloody expensive problem to solve too!

PassMeTheCookies · 04/10/2024 14:46

I cannot stand rushing for anything. I always go 3 hours before. I've had times where I've been in security for close to an hour. I've had times where we've been stuck in traffic on the way and that 3 hours gave us a buffer for being late.

On our last holiday, our transfer took us to the airport two hours before and it was mayhem. We had to ask for permission in the end to jump to the front of the queue at passport control because the flight had shouted for last boarding.

I'd rather just get there early and enjoy a meal before we board if we're flush for time. I appreciate my partner doing that for me, too, even though he'd prefer to go later.

Original poster
JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:46

User645262 · 04/10/2024 14:46

On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

Because he's on the spectrum. You just answered that yourself.

So will his wants always trump mine because he's on the spectrum? That's the real question.

OP posts:
Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 14:47

User645262 · 04/10/2024 14:46

On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

Because he's on the spectrum. You just answered that yourself.

Being on the spectrum doesn’t mean he always gets his way.

OP is a grown woman who has flown before, she can work out how long she needs at the airport. She also wants to limit her time in a crowded, busy place.

coronafiona · 04/10/2024 14:47

Security takes AGES now though.. I think 3.5- 3 hrs annoyingly is about right. Even though you have to 'check in' yourself. Which it is not. Grrr

4405cd · 04/10/2024 14:47

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/10/2024 14:41

I seriously don't see the issue. You get to the airport early, go for some nice food/drink. A bit of shopping. What's the alternative? You spend an extra hour at home doing what?

What happens if there's traffic and it takes longer than expected? Most flight check in closes 90 mins before the flight so you might miss it.

You seem really stubborn about this. He's been open with you about being on the spectrum and you can't even support him on this. Doesn't sound like the relationship will work.

All of this !You are being unreasonable.

VeryQuaintIrene · 04/10/2024 14:47

Sounds like this isn't really about going to the airport!

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 14:47

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:43

The thing is he didn't give a reason for wanting to go 3 hours early

Just severely said 'ill be going 3 hours before, you can do what you want' kind of thing

Then do what you want! You're the one insisting that you have to go the airport together.

Just arrange to meet him there. Drama over.

Original poster
JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:47

i've been travelling my whole life and never been 3 hours early.

So I wouldn't say his way is 'right', just more cautious.

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 04/10/2024 14:48

@JennaRink can you compromise and go 2.5 hours prior to departure?

Are you checking in luggage and what airport is it?

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 14:48

coronafiona · 04/10/2024 14:47

Security takes AGES now though.. I think 3.5- 3 hrs annoyingly is about right. Even though you have to 'check in' yourself. Which it is not. Grrr

It depends. I regularly get a morning flight to Dublin, I always arrive at the airport 1 hour before my flight.

Nogaxeh · 04/10/2024 14:50

I'm on the spectrum and my inclination is to be early for things. Just in case. I know it is unnecessary. Well, probably. Most of the time. And I also know that I'm capable of feeling anxious even if I'm early and I have plenty of time.

This is going to be something that comes up all the time and how you deal with it is up to you, but going along with it all the time it's not the only option. My other half has asked me to trust their judgement on timings for planes and ferries, and to trust that it won't be a disaster even if something goes wrong and we miss the flight - which could happen regardless of how early you aim to get there.

The other thing we did once was plan to stop somewhere not far from the ferry port, so we could spend some time somewhere nicer, but if we were delayed we could go straight there.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 04/10/2024 14:50

If you can't even compromise on 60 minutes, your relationship is a non starter. Being early is better than being late or missing the flight altogether. Accidents happen enroute which can cause serious delays. This would probably cause extreme anxiety for him. Airplanes wait for no-one.

Please leave him so he can find someone understanding of his anxiety.

Bunnycat101 · 04/10/2024 14:50

I’m with him I’m afraid and always aim for 3 hours before flight and then there is wiggle room if something goes wrong (which it has done on a few occasions!). Post brexit everything takes longer anyway so I’m surprised they haven’t shifted the minimum times to be longer.

Original poster
JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:51

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 04/10/2024 14:50

If you can't even compromise on 60 minutes, your relationship is a non starter. Being early is better than being late or missing the flight altogether. Accidents happen enroute which can cause serious delays. This would probably cause extreme anxiety for him. Airplanes wait for no-one.

Please leave him so he can find someone understanding of his anxiety.

Over dramatic much!

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 04/10/2024 14:51

Stay in the airport hotel the night before? Can be close but not stuck in the airport. There are likely to be quiet rooms if you find it being busy overwhelming.

If you have children with a person with autism then you are likely to have autistic children and an hour or so early to the airport might be the least of your worries. It is largely an inherited condition. So if this bothers you it might be worth evaluating everything.

Personally I like to be there early as otherwise I'm in 'waiting' mode and won't be able to settle to do anything else.

Cowboycorgi · 04/10/2024 14:51

Travel separately & meet at the airport?

BobbyBiscuits · 04/10/2024 14:51

@JennaRink I guess there lies the dilemma. Is it a sign you're just not that well suited?

Pootles34 · 04/10/2024 14:51

I don't think you're going to enjoy this holiday op...

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 14:51

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 04/10/2024 14:50

If you can't even compromise on 60 minutes, your relationship is a non starter. Being early is better than being late or missing the flight altogether. Accidents happen enroute which can cause serious delays. This would probably cause extreme anxiety for him. Airplanes wait for no-one.

Please leave him so he can find someone understanding of his anxiety.

What about him understanding OP’s anxiety being in an crowded airport too long?

Or does hers not count?

He sounds an arse for his ‘you can do what you want’ comment.

MumChp · 04/10/2024 14:52

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:46

So will his wants always trump mine because he's on the spectrum? That's the real question.

Show quote history

So you will never compromise? Partnership works best if you occasionally accommodate the other's needs.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 04/10/2024 14:52

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:51

Over dramatic much!

Show quote history

Hardly. I'm not the one who needs to post about 60 minutes at the airport.

crackofdoom · 04/10/2024 14:52

It's not a massive compromise to make, is it? You could have a coffee/ drink in the extra time.
Thankfully my new BF is not like you- we're going away together in a couple of weeks and I vetoed flying completely, for environmental reasons. The plus side is that we can rock up at the train station ten minutes before the train departs (except for Eurostar which has become more like taking a flight since Brexit 🙄).

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 14:53

crackofdoom · 04/10/2024 14:52

It's not a massive compromise to make, is it? You could have a coffee/ drink in the extra time.
Thankfully my new BF is not like you- we're going away together in a couple of weeks and I vetoed flying completely, for environmental reasons. The plus side is that we can rock up at the train station ten minutes before the train departs (except for Eurostar which has become more like taking a flight since Brexit 🙄).

Vetoing isn’t a compromise either.

TheChosenTwo · 04/10/2024 14:54

You sound like you’re the one being over dramatic!
… if I compromise on this i’ll never get my own way about anything ever again, waaaaahhh!!… 😂
just go separately to him, everyone’s happy.
My dh likes to leave extra time to get to the airport, he doesn’t exactly plan to have loads of time hanging around but the M25 can be a cruel beast and although we’re only about 20 miles away the journey can take hours if the motorway is at a standstill.
We’ve never missed a flight but definitely would have if we’d gone when I would have chosen myself. Plus I do always have time to go and buy holiday sunglasses and perfume, we book the lounge so we have somewhere to sit and relax and overall it’s a much more pleasant experience than arriving through the skin of our teeth.