To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

[JennaRink]

Since we started dating he has always been strict about time keeping. Was always very early to our dates and he's on the spectrum.

We are going for a long weekend next week, the flight is 2 hours. He says he wants to go 3 hours before the flight.

I don't want to do this. I haven't come from a family that spent 3 hours in the airport and I never go earlier than 2. I see it as a waste of time.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together. On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

Hell no! 2 hours is perfectly acceptable. 3 hours is insane. Just discuss it with him and explain 2 hours is plenty to check in and go through security. I wouldn't go there 3 hours in advance though. It's a waste of time. The concept of nice lunch at an airport is non existent to me as well so wouldn't bet on that lol.

I’d vote for getting to the airport 3 hours before . Friends missed their flight as their car wouldn’t start and the taxi didn’t make it in time . We got stuck on the motorway and only got a holiday flight as we parked in short stay and ran . DH travels for work a lot and is more like you and has never missed a flight - yet !

This is a little thing - airports are much better than they were - have a look round the shops and have a meal - make it part of the break

If it matters to him just do it. You don't sound very nice

I think op this is one where you need to pick your battles. Being on the spectrum he's picked 3 hrs as a 'safe' amount of time to be there to help him to relax before the flight. You want to go less early than that because you get anxious being in the airport as its busy.

I think you need to go back to him and be really clear that you feel hurt he has made a unilateral decision and hasn't taken into account that you will find it stressful being in the airport and you would like to reach a compromise with him that will allow plenty of time before your fight to get through security etc but also allows you to not feel trapped there. Tell him you normally go 2hrs before but you would be happy with 2.5 hrs if that makes him more comfortable.

Now the kicker here is whether you think he can actually cope with going 2.5hrs before or if he actually really needs it to be 3hrs in order to feel calm. He's on the spectrum so travelling will be inherently stressful for him. My concern is that he will be starting out feeling like you're late even when you aren't so he'll be stressed the entire time, find it hard to manage that and you might have a really tense journey together. If you think that having him on edge, stressed and maybe snappy for the journey is going to be less anxiety inducing for you than you being there for the 3 hrs then tell him what you think.

If you think that's going to ruin the start of your trip then take this as one of the quirks in his character and try to make the most of it. Go for a nice lunch with a drink, spend time picking a good book to read or doing some shopping, find a quiet spot to wait for your flight and invest in noise cancelling headphones and make a good playlist with a power bank for your phone.

Personally, if I knew it would make him feel more at ease I'd go with the 3 hrs and see it as an act of love and care you can demonstrate towards him. I'm sure there are lots of things you like about him (you wouldn't be together if there weren't) and I'm guessing from what you've said that he's steady and dependable and organised. This need to be early is just the other half to those qualities you appreciate and is part of what makes him who he is. If you can't accommodate him and your needs are in direct conflict a lot then you need to reconsider travelling together.

I don't see the issue; better be early and take it slowly, sit down for a meal or coffee, browse the shops. I would rather be early that cutting it fine and having to run/stress

Tbh we've needed 3 hours the last few times we've flown.
I was crew for years and always leave plenty of time.
I flew out of a very quiet airport two weeks ago and we gave ourselves over two hours

You would hate travelling with me. I class the 3 hours as the minimum, and allow a lot of keeway time for the journey as well. Ideally I am there 3.5 to 4 hours early.

It's not. Anything can happen in those 2 hours to suddenly mean you're going to miss your flight.

For example, I was travelling home from holiday recently and we left for the airport 2 hours before the flight. We just made it as the flight was closing because the train was running late and we missed our connecting train. We had to sprint through the airport.

Context matters hugely here.

Do you have luggage to check in? If not, then 3 hours is crazy.
How far do you have to travel to the airport? If it's 30 mins away on very predictable roads (ie not M25/other major motorway) then you don't need the contingency, but if there's the possibility of getting stuck then allowing extra time makes sense.
What time of day is it (and what day of the week)? Weekday rushhour is not the same as 1pm on a Wednesday or 5am on a Sunday.
How are you getting there? Public transport which may have delays vs driving vs taxi?

All of these factors impact what time I would AIM to be at the airport. Aiming for 3hrs before gives you loads of contingency. AIMING for 2hrs before means if something goes wrong then you're going to be in with more chance of a stressful situation.

We live 25 mins from the airport, don't need to use motorways (and v few dual carriageways) to get there (and there are numerous alternative routes) and always take a pre-booked taxi (which is cheaper than parking, if we're going for a week). I would prefer to be there AT LEAST 2hrs beforehand, to allow for a bit of contingency. Being stressed before travel is horrible.

But I think the check-in question is an important one. If you have bags, then there's no harm in allowing extra time. YOu can have a meal/drink/ chill once you're through security. And what are you going to do with the extra hour at home anyway? Likely he'll be pacing around and stressing there, so you may as well be safely on your way!

I'd suggest 2.5 but if it has to be 3 I'd assume he needs it and would do it. )because he's autistic so literally his brain can't comprehend doing it differently)

I'm autistic and some things I need to do a certain way and it's non negotiable.

he's on the spectrum

If you aren't prepared to make accomodations for someone with a disability when they've communicated that they would like to be there 3 hours early, likely because changes and transitions are stressful and the anxiety around the unknown causes dysregulation, then don't be with someone who is autistic.

In your subsequent posts you've pointed out but then you'll always be expected to do this.

Yes. You will. Rigidity with schedules and routines is literally part of the restrictive and repetitive behaviours criteria of an autism diagnosis and it's not something you can compromise out of someone.

He can't change being autistic. Stop expecting him to act in a neurotypical way. Find someone neurotypical.

Not actually over dramatic. Really if you are so desperate not to compromise in case it sets a precedent then your relationship won't last.
Ideally you will get some therapy to understands why you are so desperate to be in control and do things your way.
If you really hate hanging around busy airports then maybe treat yourself to a lounge pass?

YABVU.

He gets anxious, so yes if you want to be his partner then this is something you will do for life, he’s on the spectrum. You aren’t going to last if this is how you see it.

But also, airports are a frigging nightmare, and missing planes due to a hold up at security/check in etc happens. Why on earth would you take that risk? Especially with someone who’s stressed.

Of course it’s your day off, you’re going away! Make it into something nice, go for a meal or something. It’s really not an issue. Silly hill to die on.

Depends how far you live from the airport, time of flight, which airport, are you packing light, etc.

Luckily both I and DH are firmly in the ‘get there early’ camp. Why add stress ?

all these 'airports are AMAZING places to hang around' comments are making me laugh
'you can have something nice to eat, go shopping'
you don't even know what airport she's going from, some are tiny with 1 shop and a mcdonalds!
even if it's a big one, food in airports are hardly a fine dining experience - it's busy and loud, you're usually carrying hand luggage with you, the restaurants are usually just chains serving reheated food at a mark up from their equivalent anywhere else....I'd rather save my money and have a nice meal in the place I'm visiting instead. Same with the shops, you could while away some time in them if you HAD to but they're usually exactly the same stuff you can buy on the high street.

The whole point of a short break is NOT to spend ages waiting around and travelling, I can understand why OP thinks it's silly to spend longer hanging around than flying to the destination. It changes the whole ethos of "we can leave the house after breakfast and be in paris by lunch" to "we'll waste more than half the day travelling and hanging around, and the same on the return journey, so if we're only going for a long weekend that's two days of it mostly wasted."

Apart from anything else I wouldn't be happy to just be told 'We're going to get there by X.' It's a partnership, so they should decide together. In this case I'd compromise on 2.5hours if I wanted to but would still think that a bit excessive, particularly if I only had hand luggage.

That’s your preference, but can you accept that other people can see the problem, wish to spend their own time as they please and feel very testy and resentful at those who presume to tell them that early/slow is better.

You have confused “What’s better for you personally” with “Better”, and the presumption that anyone would just go along with your idea of better would be very quick at getting on most people’s wick. And presumably you would be oblivious to why.

💯

When we go on cheap European weekend breaks the last thing I want to do is waste money on an airport restaurant meal or an airport hotel or an airport lounge.

It's not that black and white, is it? It's not as if he is insisting his wishes trump yours, after all, he's made it clear that you don't have to go the same time as he does.

It's really a matter of this being part of the give-and-take of a relationship. You know he will feel really uncomfortable and panicked if he doesn't go three hours early; you, on the other hand, are not (I assume) ND and, if you are open-minded about it, must admit that spending an extra hour there is hardly the end of the world. There will inevitably be other times in your relationship when there are things you really do or not want to do that he isn't that bothered about, and in that situation he is the one who should go along with you. It's basically about being considerate to each other.

I've travelled abroad 3 times this year so 6 separate airport experiences. 5 out of 6 of those times we didn't even have time for a drink when we got through - and most of those we were there 2-2.5 hours early.. you just can't predict what the queues will be like. I'd much rather be through and have a bit of time to kill than be queuing and stressing. I bet he comprises on things that you like too..

That’s standard for us. If flying international they recommend you get there 3hr in advance at our airport. If domestic, 1hr, but I allow 2hr as getting through screening has taken nearly an hour on a few occasions previously and I’ve had to run for the gate.

Apart from anything else I wouldn't be happy to just be told 'We're going to get there by X.'

But OP hasn't been told that. She's been told her partner will get there by X and been left entirely free to turn up later.

Much better to waste time at an airport than get stuck in a traffic and/or security queue and miss the flight.

I do think 3 hours is too much so compromise on aiming for 2.5. We live 35 minutes from Heathrow so we leave 3 hours before the plane is due to leave, to allow for bad traffic. We live about 55 minutes from Southampton airport and also leave 3 hours before to allow for bad traffic but as Southampton is a small airport and the parking is a few minutes away we can allow less time there.

So what's the problem? He's not making you do anything you don't want to.

Compromise by getting him to book a lounge. Then you can sit in peace, relax and enjoy a meal and a drink

Exactly this. I travel for work all over the world. It’s not worth the risk.