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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH taking the piss occasionally going away over night outs?

143 replies

FinchesGold · 04/10/2024 08:07

DH and I have a 1 year old.
He has already gone away overnight four times for a piss up with his mates. He started it off as a one night, then incremented to two nights.

This is an annual tradition, four times yearly, but since having a baby I resent that he leaves me on my own for Friday to Sunday inclusive to look after the baby.
He is also expecting to be able to go away for 4+ days skiing with his friends, and a week away in the country with his parents and sibling.

It feels unfair because we don't have family or friends who can help out and I'm literally left holding the baby while he resumes his old social life. I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. And also, I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that.

AIBU to be resentful of him continuing to spend time away from the family for his own social gain? It makes me angry, and I feel like I can't stop him.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 08:10

Why aren’t you going skiing and on the family holiday?

I think a night or two away is fine. You need to be able to escape too though.

Moglet4 · 04/10/2024 08:12

Going on a family holiday without you is definitely taking the mick but a night or two here and there? That’s fine and I’d actually encourage it as long as you get the same once baby can be left

Edingril · 04/10/2024 08:13

So he has always done this and you were fine enough to have a child with him being like this?

Catza · 04/10/2024 08:14

"I could never have night away"
You absolutely could. He will have to cope and build relationship with his kid. My partner was a sole carer for his daughter when his ex had PND and simply couldn't cope with the baby. He remembers it as being the worst time in his life but he did it and they have an amazing bond.

"I wouldn't want to".
Well, that's a choice you are making. He is OK not to make the same choices.
You are on your way to becoming a martyr. Don't. There is nothing wrong with him being away for 4 nights a year and there is nothing wrong with you doing the same.

Teacherbee85 · 04/10/2024 08:15

I think it's fine but only cause I have a little one the same age and I love weekends away with my friends! But me and DH both do it a few times a year so it's more balanced. DS is comforted by both of us equally.

Original poster
FinchesGold · 04/10/2024 08:15

Hate skiing, never got on with it

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 04/10/2024 08:15

I think going away is fine as long as you could have the same opportunity if you wanted to...its not his fault that you dont want to go.

He needs to work on settling the baby at night so that she wont only settle for you. That needs to be a shared thing.

Laiste · 04/10/2024 08:18

As above - you are partially responsible for this situation yourself.

I can't so you can't - is not a very grown up way to conduct a relationship.

You do, i don't want to but i feel bitter - also not healthy and your own issue.

You do (and it looks fun) so i want to too - perfectly reasonable. Ask DH to help get to the place where baby IS comfortable with being looked after by DH, and go and do stuff.

If DH is obstructive, then you have a problem.

Singleandproud · 04/10/2024 08:21

You don't have to ski though, take the baby enjoy time at the lodge, go sledding etc.

The family break you should be going on.

4 times a year out with his friends is not unreasonable. You are choosing not to leave your baby - that is on you. They would make it work if you weren't there and actually it would be a positive thing as if you were to go into hospital she needs to settle for him.

Haroldwilson · 04/10/2024 08:22

It does sound a bit unreasonable. I think the weekends alone would be ok but skiing and family week on top is too much. What family would be happy with you and baby being left at home? That's weird.

On the other hand it is good to take time to recharge batteries. If you don't want to do overnights, take yourself off for the day now and then and leave him with the baby.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 04/10/2024 08:22

He’s a grown, married man with a family and he’s going away with his parents and sibling for a week??
No, no you are not being unreasonable. Each to their own and all that, but that’s a bit odd.

The trips away with friends is fine as long as it’s been agreed with both of you. I’d personally be fine with it, but then our son is 18 🤣, mind you, I’d have been fine about it when he was little too-I love having time to myself

Freakydeak · 04/10/2024 08:23

Two of the opportunities you could go with him but are choosing not to. The skiing you don't have to ski you can go and relax and enjoy whatever there is to enjoy in a ski resort. The family holiday, you and the baby are family aren't you? Does your household get any benefit from his annual leave or is it all for him only?

Haroldwilson · 04/10/2024 08:25

Is he bachelorish in other ways? Money, housework?

Whereoneartharewe · 04/10/2024 08:27

Basically he sounds as though he is behaving like a single man.

It's one thing for him to have a social life but why does going out for a drink with his pals involve going away for days? He must be in some state when he comes home if he is drinking all the time he is away. Are his friends also in committed relationships?

I would not be happy with this.

And yes you should have equal opportunity to have time to relax and socialise. He should be able to parent his own child.

graygoose · 04/10/2024 08:28

Completely unreasonable of him. It's not fair at all for him to be able to resume a social life as if he's a single man with no responsibilities whilst you are left literally holding the baby. If you were able to leave her the same amount of times then that would be fairer.

I know you say you don't want to, but why don't you try one overnight stay with your girlfriends or family just to get a bit of a break? DD will never allow herself to be comforted by DH if he never gets the opportunity to, and he needs to show up and be present.

Also an "annual" tradition that is four times a year? Give me a break. Do his friends have young babies and children at home?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/10/2024 08:28

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Your child will be fine alone with their dad if you go away, he is their parent too after all. You just don't want to. That's fine, but don't hold that against DH.

4 weekends away in 52 weeks is not excessive. You can do it too.

bryceQ · 04/10/2024 08:28

I think four times a year is quite a lot to be honest.

Going away for a week is not on!

But equally you are creating a problematic situation for yourself by not letting him work on a way to comfort your baby in the night. He needs to learn. You need to step back at times.

Marblesbackagain · 04/10/2024 08:33

If you have the same opportunity then I feel it's fine. I always took small breaks with my friends it did me world of good and it meant I felt we were actively co parenting.

But that was what I needed and worked for us. You say that isn't for you, but you aren't happy. I am sorry but I don't feel it's fair to mandate him not go.

What may be worthwhile is negotiating a set number of days a month, year and then you both have sight of an agreed boundary, would that work?

Saschka · 04/10/2024 08:34

DH does this, but I don’t mind because I also do this (and did before we had a baby). I also take DS away (skiing) without DH (I love skiing, DS loves skiing, DH hates it), and go away with my DM and DS fairly often.

If you think this is the start of both of you getting opportunities to do things independently, I would be fine accepting him being the only one going away for the first year as long as you think you’ll be able to do the same when you are ready to.

If this is the start of him leaving you holding the baby while he swans off doing whatever he likes, put your foot down.

Tomorrowisyesterday · 04/10/2024 08:37

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/10/2024 08:28

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Your child will be fine alone with their dad if you go away, he is their parent too after all. You just don't want to. That's fine, but don't hold that against DH.

4 weekends away in 52 weeks is not excessive. You can do it too.

It's more than that - 4 weekends away PLUS a 4 or more day ski trip PLUS a week away with family (why not bring his dw?)
That is a lot and doesn't really suggest a man who is very engaged with or bothered about his time with his own wife and child.
He can go off knowing the child will barely miss him. If OP goes she knows her child will be upset and she actually cares about that.
I would still think it worth trying a night or two away OP - would be interesting to see how keen your dh is to repeat the experience.

twentysevendresses · 04/10/2024 08:38

Why can't you go on the family holiday with his parents and sibling? I don't understand this at all 🤷‍♀️

The rest of it...no issues. You are martyring yourself here and it's not attractive. Of course you can leave your child overnight with their father!! Get a grip.

InTheRainOnATrain · 04/10/2024 08:41

But it’s your choice not to go skiing, on the family holiday, to not have time away yourself and not let him settle the baby overnight. I think you’re actually creating a problem by not letting him crack on with it and settle her, even if it takes longer, even if there’s some initial upset. Now if he won’t get up to try to settle the baby overnight, and would refuse to step up if you said you were taking a ‘girls trip’ that’s a separate issue. But 1-2 nights away with mates 4 times a year isn’t excessive at all. DH and I usually do a week each and have done since the kids were babies, which over the course of a year is probably about the same as your DH, he’s just doing several short trips rather than 1 longer one.

ThisSharpGreenZebra · 04/10/2024 08:44

Edingril · 04/10/2024 08:13

So he has always done this and you were fine enough to have a child with him being like this?

Probably, rightfully, expected this to change once the baby was born.

Runskiyoga · 04/10/2024 08:44

The resentment will corrode, needs dealing with. Never are the differences between the sexes - biological and social - more stark than the early years. I would say

  1. Be clear how you feel, and don't apologise for feeling it
  2. Do say that you can understand it might seem like you don't want him to have nice things, and that is not your intention.
  3. Come up with some concrete ideas for how you can rebalance things (a budget each, some weekends where he does almost everything but you still are there for your baby, a sense that you are a team, that you are parents now, how you will split responsibilities fairly (read wifework if you can, it's eye opening)
  4. Be willing to compromise, if he does
  5. Don't back track on the principal and agree to review
Edingril · 04/10/2024 08:45

ThisSharpGreenZebra · 04/10/2024 08:44

Probably, rightfully, expected this to change once the baby was born.

Show quote history

Why? The op has the choice but chooses not too