Is DH taking the piss occasionally going away over night outs?

[FinchesGold]

DH and I have a 1 year old.
He has already gone away overnight four times for a piss up with his mates. He started it off as a one night, then incremented to two nights.

This is an annual tradition, four times yearly, but since having a baby I resent that he leaves me on my own for Friday to Sunday inclusive to look after the baby.
He is also expecting to be able to go away for 4+ days skiing with his friends, and a week away in the country with his parents and sibling.

It feels unfair because we don't have family or friends who can help out and I'm literally left holding the baby while he resumes his old social life. I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. And also, I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that.

AIBU to be resentful of him continuing to spend time away from the family for his own social gain? It makes me angry, and I feel like I can't stop him.

If she won't settle for him, then he needs to practise nights until she does. There's no reason you can't express during the day and he bottle feeds at night if needed.

If you don't make him practise and get used to looking after the baby by himself, then you'll never get any time away and no breaks. So he needs to practise by starting to be first attendant for all things baby while you sit back with a cuppa and let him deal with it.

Four times a year on a piss up (2 nights away each time) plus skiing plus family holiday. With a one year old? NOPE. He is taking the piss.

I think you should still go on holiday anyway

This is partly on you. You snatch the baby back when she cries and don’t let him get used to settling her (even if that means you removing yourself periodically so that she gets it). You refuse to take time away because of your attachment issues.

Even if he's happy for you to do exactly the same thing, what he's doing is offering you something you don't want and expecting something in return.

I don't really do any hobbies these days because my wife doesn't want to come along and doesn't have any hobbies of her own so it just feels wrong. I would be completely fine with her going off on her own for a couple of days a month and she knows this, but she doesn't want to.

A bit harsh to say he's taking the piss, because it's not easy to give things up like that. But he probably shouldn't be doing it.

Exactly, why not?

If the baby didn’t settle for you, would you just give up? He needs to be able to settle his own child and this takes practice. If for whatever reason you don’t want this to happen, you’ll have to accept that you won’t be able to leave overnight.

I don’t think 1-2 nights four times a year is excessive. I assume you have been invited on the holiday but don’t want to go (you don’t have to ski, there are loads of other things to do), then thats fair enough, but he should still be able see his family.

Just because he doesn’t feel bad having a night away (when the baby is presumably asleep anyway), doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his child. Lots of parents have a night away from their baby. Maybe your time will come when your child is a bit older. I have a few weekend breaks a year with my friends, it’s fun to be me again and not mummy all the time.

You need to think how you can have some me time aeay from baby rather than restrict his occasional night away. He is NBU. You are.
He has to learn how to cope with dc otherwise you are settling yourself up for resentment and exhaustion. Give it a go and enjoy the break

Once a year would be okay, but four lads holidays a year is excessive. He’s behaving like a single man. How on earth do young couples afford all these breaks apart from anything else?

Most men don't. Women need to understand that a lot of men won't change their ways after a baby is born.

The best thing you can do is go away and recharge too so that DH and baby get chance to work out their own dynamic of settling and getting on.

When I go away DH does things differently but it works, because it has to. I’m not there.

There is nothing wrong with him being away for 4 nights a year and there is nothing wrong with you doing the same

It's 4 full weekends, plus a ski trip and a week-long holiday. It's not a night in town then coming back home four times a year!

Op you do need to start letting him settle her though. She will settle for him, but she needs to get used to that being part of what is normal first. If he never does it, and it always feels strange, then of course she won't!

Really? In my experience (albeit my friends and the husbands of my female friends), it’s been the man who has been the driving force for children. But then I don’t really relate to a lot that seems to happen on here, all couples I know do an equal split of work/childcare/housework etc. All have nights away with friends etc.

I do agree that people are unlikely to suddenly change their behaviour though.

Tbh I think you are being a bit of a martyr - full of excuses as to why you can’t do the same or go on the family holiday - but aren’t happy for him to have any time to other things besides your family

I'm afraid after joining MN I've come to this conclusion as well.

I know a lot of the threads are worst case scenarios but it's staggering the number of men who seem to see babies and children as disposable items. Conceived in error or conceived to keep their partner at the time happy or conceived without really any thought as to what bringing another life into this world really means. And in a lot of cases they just walk away, because they can.

This is so very true. Most women don't feel complete unless they've had a baby. Most men go along with it because they're afraid to say "no". Women will never understand why men aren't as ecstatic as they are at a screaming bundle of joy that changes their lives forever and destroys their social life.

Because she is prioritising her child who is only 1 year old.
A night or weekend away is fine ofcourse but her husband shouldn't be going away four weekends a year to simply drink with his mates especially while their child is still so young.

Agree with all of this!!

And if you get sick etc or have second baby and in hospital far better her dad already can cope . He won't if you do not let him /make the opportunity

Having a night away would likely be good for your DH and DD. My youngest was super clingy and would nurse on and off all through the night when she was little. Then I had an emergency appendectomy and DH was the only option. She absolutely learned to settle with him because there was no other choice. Granted she was younger than yours but if you’re resenting him going out because you can’t, maybe it’s worth just doing it and seeing how it goes.

(why can’t you go on the ski trip and not ski, or on the family holiday?)

Are you not invited on the family holiday with his parents and sibling? Would you like to go on this holiday?

That's a very sweeping statement. My dh persuaded me, rather than the other way around. What I would agree with is that wanting a baby doesn't necessarily tie in with wanting to change their life around a baby.

so would it be ok if he was going off to volunteer for some worthy cause?

I'm another who doesn't understand why you're not going away with his family?

My advice is to start going away for weekends now, every time you do it it'll get easier and your baby will get used to being with her dad.

Because of a mixture of breastfeeding and then Covid I didn't managed to go away for a weekend until my kids were much older and bloody hell I wish I could have done it sooner, just a night or two away can be so refreshing- it's nice to feel like yourself and not just mum for a while.

4 weekends a year plus a 4-day ski-ing holiday with his mates plus a week away with his parents and sibling.

If the OP was doing all that and leaving her baby at home on all those occasions, I think she probably would be judged.

She wouldn't do this though.