Is DH taking the piss occasionally going away over night outs?

[FinchesGold]

DH and I have a 1 year old.
He has already gone away overnight four times for a piss up with his mates. He started it off as a one night, then incremented to two nights.

This is an annual tradition, four times yearly, but since having a baby I resent that he leaves me on my own for Friday to Sunday inclusive to look after the baby.
He is also expecting to be able to go away for 4+ days skiing with his friends, and a week away in the country with his parents and sibling.

It feels unfair because we don't have family or friends who can help out and I'm literally left holding the baby while he resumes his old social life. I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. And also, I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that.

AIBU to be resentful of him continuing to spend time away from the family for his own social gain? It makes me angry, and I feel like I can't stop him.

If she went away 4 times a year, essentially every 3 months, for 2 nights at a time,during the first year of her child's life to get drunk with friends like the op's husband, then yes.

Why arent you going on the family holiday?

Most men don't actually want a baby? And by saying that women need to understand that a lot of men won't change their ways after a baby is born, do you mean that they should just accept it? And that we should all just accept a generation of poor fathers?

I disagree that most men don't actually want a baby although I am sure that many don't. There are a lot of poor fathers and we hear a lot about them on Mumsnet but I think they are thankfully still in the minority.

Ah so the op hasn't come back because most people are saying she absolutely has the choice but she's chosen not to. So she doesn't agree with what people are saying. She is absolutely making a martyr of herself. And just so she knows because no doubt she's reading this, if she doesn't make a change it isn't going to get any better, why would it?
It's possible she is one of the people who doesnt have friends or family to advise her (sadly as so many on here are in the same situation)
OP I would also say your child will lack respect for you as it gets older when you have no life for yourself because you allowed it to happen.
Think carefully.

I really don’t understand the posters who think it’s ok so long as OP gets to do the same. That would mean they would be going on 8 weekend trips separately and 2 separate weeks away.

Do couples really need to “escape” from their family that frequently?

How will they also fit in and afford weekends away and holidays together? Unless they are very wealthy and don’t need to work much.

Even if OP wanted trips away from her child I doubt it would happen because he is living a single life and I doubt he would take sole responsibility for his child while she went on holiday.

Not everyone finds it necessary to be with their young child 24/7. Enjoying weekends away with friends is fine - being a parent doesn’t have to mean that you are no longer ‘you’.
People who make their whole lives about their children, have no hobbies, no outlet and no down time must struggle. It sounds like you already are when you’re so angry with your partner. It’s possible to be a great parent without being a martyr to the cause of child rearing.
Why not go on the family trip too?

I suspect he would need to go away less so they can afford/ fit in more time away. She also should be going away with his family.

That is what a reasonable husband would do. Guess it's up to the OP to talk to her husband and come up with something.

Why wouldn't she ? And why should a parent be judged for taking 17 days, literally only 0.04% of the year. I travelled more for work,! and then had my time away on top.

Two well adjusted young men produced by myself and their father. Both have a hell of a lot better attitude towards women because they were raised seeing their mother value herself.Yes children's needs come first but don't equate what isn't a need and being a martyr isn't one.

This is the problem other women judging. I bet if you removed that plenty more women would feel they had the choice to have breaks.

Sad how womens free time is still controlled. No longer by access to funds but by judgement of other women.

That level of going away is unsustainable in the long term; I imagine it eats into the family leisure budget, and leaves you carrying an unfair burden. Has he a lot of single friends? If you’d another child, and in a few years you’re going Saturday football and clubs, it’s unfair on one person. You need to have a talk about what’s equitable, and what you can each expect of the other. I’d be fuming if I were you; I didn’t find travelling with very young kids easy, and an hour in the spa on my own didn’t really make up for travelling with grizzly babies who slept poorly on trips.

I didn't say that I would judge her. I said that she probably would be judged, mostly probably because she still has a very young baby.

A mum with older children having 17 days away would certainly receive far less judgement, if any.

One of the reasons why she wouldn't do this is because her baby won't settle for their dad. We don't know whether this is because OP prefers to do the night wakings or because her DH refuses to do them.

I wouldn't say that by not wanting to leave a young baby overnight is OP being a martyr. She may very well be happy to do this once the baby is older and less dependent on her.

I love the ominous warning that her child will lose respect for her if she has no life for herself. I don't think that young children will judge their mum for not going away without them overnight.

There are some really good points here, thanks.
I've been skiing before with no intention of skiing, there is hardly anything to do at resorts and the holiday is typically very expensive. So for me it's a waste.
Going on holiday with the ILs, I posted separately about that, lots of issues with them so now I prefer not to see them. I don't stop DH or DD seeing them of course.
I think you're right I need to just make them be okay with each other, I've already lost a work opportunity because of not being able to stay away over night.
My problem is a lack of trust because his stance is "she must be sleep trained" and he doesn't check of she's feeling unwell, too hot/cold, or has a dirty nappy, or is teething and needs painkillers. He just assumes she should sleep through the night and wants to do the cry it out method, I worry he'd do that when I'm not around.

Go with him on his family holiday and coordinate some time away with your friends. It’s fine for him to have a couple of nights here and there.

“I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up.”

Did he tell you that or is that an excuse you’ve come up with so you don’t have to go anywhere? It’s perfectly ok for you to not want to leave the baby but you shouldn’t stop him. 4 times a year doesn’t sound that much. If the opportunity came up for you to go out overnight and you wanted to would it be ok for you to do that or would DH complain? That’s the thing, if he would be ok and you could go out then great but if you aren’t ’allowed’ to that’s a different story.

I've just looked at your other threads. Your DH sounds like a terrible husband and father and is totally enmeshed with his mother who also treats you dreadfully.

Does he have any good points?

I'm on the fence here.

1. are you and LO invited on the family holiday ? very odd and totally unreasonable if you are not!

2. are you invited on the ski trip?

If you're invited then it's really only 2 trips with his mates. I don't think that's unreasonable but you should absolutely be "in credit". If you're not keen to go away with your friends perhaps eachweekend away would also equate to two nights or brunches out with friends?

It's not just about him being away though is it, it's the additional burden this places on the person you've left behind who is without company or someone to tag team with for the whole weekend.
I suspect if the OP decides to spend the same amount of time away, she'd struggle to find any friends (other than single ones) who would go with her anyway.
It sounds like her priority is the infant, and his is himself.

Sorry just read your update. I think the trip with in laws is a tricky one as you're invited, but understand why you'd not go (my ILs are horrific and I would much rather spend a week at home with my under 4s!!). Perhaps in a few years your OH can take the LO ad you can get some time off!

Re skiing: whilst your choice not to go, it's kind of thoughtless of your husband to just crack on and go without you (and presumably he assumes you will automatically be in charge of LO
whilst he's there... has he mentioned that at all ?

It sounds like you and OH need to have a calm conversation about nighttimes and agree on how settling looks perhaps you need to come to a compromise. Eg How long do you wait before you go in? Do you do night feeds and at what times (sorry not stew age if LO)? When you go to settle, do you shush and pat or pick up?

Maybe once you agree on how to deal with night wakings you can split the load a bit more?

Husband has forgotten / not realised he is no longer single and is now part of a partnership, and he has totally forgotten he is 50% of the child's parents. and thus he has a family now

However you do need to let him care for the baby and settle the baby - ' I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. '

The child would have to settle if you were in hospital etc.

and ' I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that. '
he didn't carry her for 9 months, nor give birth to her.

But why should you change things you enjoy when a baby comes along if you don't have to

'My problem is a lack of trust because his stance is "she must be sleep trained" and he doesn't check of she's feeling unwell, too hot/cold, or has a dirty nappy, or is teething and needs painkillers. He just assumes she should sleep through the night and wants to do the cry it out method, I worry he'd do that when I'm not around.'

OMG - that's appalling. That's neglect. He doesn't see her as a human being.

You say
"I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. And also, I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that."
Your husband obviously IS ok to go away and leave her safely with her mum. If he trusts you as a mum, then there is no reason why he shouldn't do this. He should be willing to allow you to do the same, but he is not responsible for you not wanting to.

Lol I wouldn't say all women were ecstatic at that either

He IS responsible for her not wanting to because he's a shit Dad and she isn't safe with him if he's going to ignore her crying all night and he won't check if she's ill etc.

Wonder if she actually told him before getting pregnant that she expects him not to go away a d restrict his life? And she would choose to " change" and moan at him for being the same as before

He may have been using condoms pretty sharpish if that was the case

I certainly didn't change my attitude and want to be sat indoors constantly with a kid. Nor did I want to go to kid oriented places. Possibly why now mine have grown I still have a good circle of friends still.