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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH taking the piss occasionally going away over night outs?

143 replies

FinchesGold · 04/10/2024 08:07

DH and I have a 1 year old.
He has already gone away overnight four times for a piss up with his mates. He started it off as a one night, then incremented to two nights.

This is an annual tradition, four times yearly, but since having a baby I resent that he leaves me on my own for Friday to Sunday inclusive to look after the baby.
He is also expecting to be able to go away for 4+ days skiing with his friends, and a week away in the country with his parents and sibling.

It feels unfair because we don't have family or friends who can help out and I'm literally left holding the baby while he resumes his old social life. I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. And also, I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that.

AIBU to be resentful of him continuing to spend time away from the family for his own social gain? It makes me angry, and I feel like I can't stop him.

OP posts:
BananaGrapeMelon · 04/10/2024 08:46

The occasional night away is fine - DH and I both do this - but it does sound like he's taking the piss in terms of the frequency.

cestlavielife · 04/10/2024 08:47

You can go away.
Try one night
Baby will be fine
When you not there her dad will learn to manage

Peonies12 · 04/10/2024 08:47

But you could go away an equal amount, no reason not to? You sound like a bit of a martyr. He absolutely could settle the baby, and actually it would be better if you did go away for a night so he has to do it. I did a night away early on, it was hard but it was so beneficial for me knowing everything was fine, and my DH being confident. He’s as much a parent as you are. It’s weird you’re not going on the family holiday/

Whereoneartharewe · 04/10/2024 08:50

Edingril · 04/10/2024 08:45

Why? The op has the choice but chooses not too

Show quote history

Perhaps OP actually thought that when their baby was born BOTH of them would be prioritising their child and their life together as a family. Not competing to see who could maintain their social life as it was before they were parents.

People's priorities normally change when a child is born. Op's obviously has. Her DH's hasn't.

Copperoliverbear · 04/10/2024 08:50

You could have a night or two away if you wasn't there she'd have to let him comfort her as she wouldn't have anyone else there. She would know you weren't there and it would help them bond a bit.
That's wouldn't stop me, she's not a newborn .
You need to start leaving him to his own devices a few times a year and let him cope.

SallyWD · 04/10/2024 08:51

I think it's fine, but that's because me and DH both do this a few times a year. I think it's essential that parents can maintain their separate interests, friendship groups etc. The thought of only socialising and doing things with my family unit makes me feel extremely stressed and suffocated. I'm a person in my own right with my own friends and own interests. I think it's very harmful if a person loses all this once they have kids. It's like losing who you are.
However, it has to be fair! I'd be very resentful if DH was doing this and I wasn't. OP I highly recommend you start planning some nice things with your friends and family. You don't want to lose yourself in motherhood.

Copperoliverbear · 04/10/2024 08:52

Also even if you don't like skiing you could still go and spend the time with them when they aren't skiing

Blinkii · 04/10/2024 08:56

Occasional nights away are fine, but you should treat yourself to occasional time away too so you're not resenting him.

autienotnaughty · 04/10/2024 09:05

Was this discussed before you had the baby?

We go on separate weekends away for special occasions ie stag dos etc and I usually do one with friends a year. But we would think 4 was a bit much (although obviously finances are also a factor)

We do holidays as a family

Rewis · 04/10/2024 09:07

I don't think spending the night away 4 times a year is too much or going on an annual holiday for few days that you don't want to attend. All this is obviously assuming that he is willing to look after the child himself when you do the same.

ThisSharpGreenZebra · 04/10/2024 09:07

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/10/2024 08:28

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Your child will be fine alone with their dad if you go away, he is their parent too after all. You just don't want to. That's fine, but don't hold that against DH.

4 weekends away in 52 weeks is not excessive. You can do it too.

By the sounds of things, he may not be willing to step up and look after their child on his own, unfortunately we cannot assume this is an option based on his current behaviour. Four weekends away in a year to simply drink with his mates when their child is still so young is a lot and says a lot about his priorities.

autienotnaughty · 04/10/2024 09:09

I do agree with others I would plan some nice things with friends etc for you. Firstly it would help you feel less resentful and secondly it would help him appreciate it's tough flying solo. And thirdly it's good to have some stuff just for you where you get to be yourself.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 04/10/2024 09:11

It's fine, but only if you're getting the same to yourself.

KindOf · 04/10/2024 09:11

Laiste · 04/10/2024 08:18

As above - you are partially responsible for this situation yourself.

I can't so you can't - is not a very grown up way to conduct a relationship.

You do, i don't want to but i feel bitter - also not healthy and your own issue.

You do (and it looks fun) so i want to too - perfectly reasonable. Ask DH to help get to the place where baby IS comfortable with being looked after by DH, and go and do stuff.

If DH is obstructive, then you have a problem.

Edited

Good post.

sorrythetruthhurts · 04/10/2024 09:11

Did he want a baby?

ThisSharpGreenZebra · 04/10/2024 09:12

Whereoneartharewe · 04/10/2024 08:50

Perhaps OP actually thought that when their baby was born BOTH of them would be prioritising their child and their life together as a family. Not competing to see who could maintain their social life as it was before they were parents.

People's priorities normally change when a child is born. Op's obviously has. Her DH's hasn't.

Show quote history

This!!!

Edingril · 04/10/2024 09:12

ThisSharpGreenZebra · 04/10/2024 09:07

By the sounds of things, he may not be willing to step up and look after their child on his own, unfortunately we cannot assume this is an option based on his current behaviour. Four weekends away in a year to simply drink with his mates when their child is still so young is a lot and says a lot about his priorities.

Show quote history

So if a mum went off 4 times a year she would be judged for being a bad mother?

godmum56 · 04/10/2024 09:13

Hmmm. before you had the baby....before you even MADE the baby did you talk about this stuff or did you both just assume? I am not sure why you aren't going on the family or skiing holidays. I know a couple of families where not all of them ski and the non skiiers do other things and have a thoroughly good time. Think about what you'd do if you HAD to be parted from the baby. Loads of stuff for you to consider.....I voted YABU because you don't seem to have considered any of it, just decided it needs to be your way.

Marblesbackagain · 04/10/2024 09:15

Nobody has said they are competing social lives. Prioritising means taking care of the child to do that we must apply oxygen first. Human beings are social creatures and sadly a lot of women lose friendships or distance grows when they let their own relationships step back.

To me and my friendship groups all busy with careers some with or without children and or caring responsibilities that means us maintaining our friendship and social life as well. Because we are a hell of a lot more happier by having a healthy balance. So from day 1 we kept up the city breaks, brunches some as couple time and some as girls/boys.

The amount of times women are posting here saying they are sad and lonely and don't have social lives and have lost friendships is huge. And it doesn't have to be.

I think so many women are afraid of being judged by other women. Your comment is neutral but if I had have read it in the early days I would think it says she shouldn't need or want a break. To be clear I know that isn't what you said.

We really need to openly speak and encourage women to maintain their friendships and social lives. I don't know why but I know I heard comments from a place of judgement at that time.

I think we need to start the conversations loudly of women encouraging women to prioritise their own happiness and social

ArrowOfAthena · 04/10/2024 09:18

Catza · 04/10/2024 08:14

"I could never have night away"
You absolutely could. He will have to cope and build relationship with his kid. My partner was a sole carer for his daughter when his ex had PND and simply couldn't cope with the baby. He remembers it as being the worst time in his life but he did it and they have an amazing bond.

"I wouldn't want to".
Well, that's a choice you are making. He is OK not to make the same choices.
You are on your way to becoming a martyr. Don't. There is nothing wrong with him being away for 4 nights a year and there is nothing wrong with you doing the same.

Totally agree

I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up

Do you have a plan for if you have to leave for an emergency? Sure its not likely to happen, but if it did, her not being able to settle for him is only going to add to the stress.

He needs to be able to settle her

Notamum12345577 · 04/10/2024 09:20

FinchesGold · 04/10/2024 08:15

Hate skiing, never got on with it

I get the ski one with his mates, but why isn’t he taking you and your baby on holiday with his family?

JLT24 · 04/10/2024 09:21

He needs to be able to settle her, this should be a family priority to get sorted asap.

A few weekends away a year - fine. And you should be able to do the same, if you don’t want to I hope you’re at least getting out regularly without the baby to see friends/pursue hobbies.

4 days and a week away I personally agree is too long to leave the baby at this young age, and puts you under a lot of pressure to solo parent for that long, these types of trips should be done as a family or left until the child is much older.

Ohhbaby · 04/10/2024 09:21

FinchesGold · 04/10/2024 08:15

Hate skiing, never got on with it

You can still go on the holiday, surely?
What kind of immaturity is this?

Maria1979 · 04/10/2024 09:28

Why aren't you going on the family holiday ? Is this your choice? If so then you have nothing to moan about. If not, you got problems.

As for your DC being closer to DH, well start by actually going away a couple of days and let them bond! You will always be a prefetence because she's used to you. Trust him to be there for her and he will step up (if he's a normal decent human being).

MummyJ36 · 04/10/2024 09:31

It sounds like he doesn’t consider himself to have any responsibilities. Is he a decent person apart from this? You are not wrong at all to feel this way. I would sit down with him and explain why this is not feasible and why you feel let down by him continuing to do this with a very young child at home.

Some people find it harder than others to “let go” of things when a baby comes along but I would really caution you against internalising this as you will come to really resent him and maybe hate him in the long run. Give him a chance to make it right and be very clear what you think is reasonable.