Is DH taking the piss occasionally going away over night outs?

[FinchesGold]

DH and I have a 1 year old.
He has already gone away overnight four times for a piss up with his mates. He started it off as a one night, then incremented to two nights.

This is an annual tradition, four times yearly, but since having a baby I resent that he leaves me on my own for Friday to Sunday inclusive to look after the baby.
He is also expecting to be able to go away for 4+ days skiing with his friends, and a week away in the country with his parents and sibling.

It feels unfair because we don't have family or friends who can help out and I'm literally left holding the baby while he resumes his old social life. I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. And also, I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that.

AIBU to be resentful of him continuing to spend time away from the family for his own social gain? It makes me angry, and I feel like I can't stop him.

Surely you tell the child he is having fun with his friends the same as you do. We are getting a phrase not detail. Or perhaps I missed a post. If he is away the children aren't seeing the behaviour.

If someone saw me and my girlfriends and the wine bottles from our air BnB they could well deduce the same.

If he is off on his time that's his to decide the same as her on hers. Why do we have to judge. If that's his way to unwind and enjoy company so be it.

Not entirely, the skiing trip should definitely still go ahead as should the week away in the country, though it would be thoughtful of them to invite Op along too, at least sometimes.
Him going away four weekends a year to simply drink with mates is too much as their child is still so young, maybe he should be cutting this down to a few nights out.

That would depend on how the Op would feel about it but surely going away to volunteer for a worthy cause is more justifiable than going away to get drunk?

Dunno, he's still not there which is what she seems to object to.

It sounds like it’s your choice not to go away so it’s up to you.

You can also go away!

If you don't 'go away' overnight you could have a weekend off where you do nothing for the baby or house during the days and go off doing shopping or spa days and other nice treats

OP if you were suddenly rushed to hospital, he would HAVE to cope with the baby, regardless of whether either of them weren't happy about it. So my advice would be to leave him with the baby for a couple of hours on a weekend, or when he's not working in the evening, maybe go on a shopping trip, or meet up with a friend for a drink, whatever floats your boat. If you're not working, it's even more important that you do this, as you need to be able to get away from parenting responsibilities, and have a chance just to be YOU, now and again.

I also think that you need to tell him, without yelling at him in a rage, how you're feeling, and that while you don't want to be unreasonable, you do feel a bit resentful of him going away for all these nights, and holidays, literally leaving you holding the baby. If you haven't discussed this with him already, you might find that he's just being a typical thoughtless bloke, and will agree to cut back, or give you time out to do your own thing when it suits you. However, sitting there brooding is NOT the answer, communication hopefully will be.

*I’ve only read the first page of comments so unless there’s a drip feed this is my take

I have zero issue with this, I actively encourage my husband to go away with his friends. 4 weekends out of 52 is nothing.
and I wouldn’t care if he went on a ‘family holiday’ without to me to do an activity I hate, I’d just be relieved I don’t have to suffer it.

you need to make sure that you’re also getting some time to yourself to recoup and catch a break and to see your friends etc.

if you aren’t happy though you need to tell him and find a compromise because stewing in resentment is only going to make you feel worse about it all xx

I think 4 x trips away with mates is quite a lot never mind with skiing and another holiday on top

but I think you are making a rod for your own back and need to let him parent his child. He may not do it the way you see right but he should be doing it regardless and you need to trust him to look after his own child

It’s ok as long as you also get to go on 4 weekends away and 2x a week trip every year without your husband and baby. If he finds that weird ask him why it’s ok for him to to do that.
If you don’t want to be on your own with the baby that much, tell him. Nothing weird about finding that a bit much. 1-2 nights away is ok and normal, but 4x a year??? And why are you not joining the longer trips?

Lots of people can't do percentages. It is what it is. What I find shocking is that you are convinced that you have got this right even after someone has gently provided you with the right value and with another way of checking that the answer is in the right ballpark.

Lots of people can't do percentages. It is what it is. What I find shocking is that you are convinced that you have got this right even after someone has gently provided you with the right value and with another way of checking that the answer is in the right ballpark.

Bless and it bothered you that much you felt you had to comment.

You are making your choices and trying to martyr yourself. That’s on you.
Can’t leave baby
Dont want to leave baby
Hate skiing etc etc

His behaviour is perfectly reasonable.
You need to alter your attitude and get some breaks in for yourself. Your hubby will be fine with his child on his own.

I had my partner do the same to me when my first was around a year old. I was hurt that he still wanted to go away from us - looking back he was not enjoying the baby years, found them boring. Regardless it was selfish of him. Basically a week on the pi*s snowboarding. Personally I wish I had objected more at the time. It would not have been possible for me to have a week away as he would then of had to take a week off work to look after his baby. Men can really take the P. I would reign it him in until you can both have a week away, together or separately. BTW - my baby was really ill when he was away - the GP actually rang him up and asked why he was not home supporting me and looking after our baby which was gave me great satisfaction.

@ForAmberBiscuit the GP actually rang him up and asked why he was not home supporting me and looking after our baby

Suuuuuuuuuure your GP did!

You need to communicate with him. Currently, you resent that he is carrying on as he was before having a baby, and sound as if you are being a martyr, by refusing to enjoy your own “me time”. You are choosing not to go skiing or meet up with his family, and you are obviously upset that he refuses to allow a wedge between himself and his friends/ family.
From HIS point of view, I suspect that he’s feeling a bit redundant at home. Baby won’t settle for him. You “cope” and “manage” and he’s not needed, except maybe for financial support. He doesn’t want to lose his friends and family and sees no reason why he should do so.
Your child is very young, and you need to be on the same page with parenting, your relationship, other relationships, or it’s going to be a very long and lonely 18 years ahead of you. Talk to him about your needs and expectations of him as a co parent of your child(ren) and LISTEN to his. If necessary, use a professional counsellor to help talk this through.
Frankly, moaning on Mumsnet about him, isn’t going to fix anything. There’s nothing inherently wrong with him enjoying a few nights out with his friends, you just need to find a way to balance his needs with your own.

Do you get time to do your own thing? Even if you don’t want to spend the night away, do you go out for the day or go out with friends in the evening? If he is unwilling for you to do these things then he is being unreasonable. If he is fine with it and you just don’t want to go out, then you are being unreasonable.