Is DH taking the piss occasionally going away over night outs?

[FinchesGold]

DH and I have a 1 year old.
He has already gone away overnight four times for a piss up with his mates. He started it off as a one night, then incremented to two nights.

This is an annual tradition, four times yearly, but since having a baby I resent that he leaves me on my own for Friday to Sunday inclusive to look after the baby.
He is also expecting to be able to go away for 4+ days skiing with his friends, and a week away in the country with his parents and sibling.

It feels unfair because we don't have family or friends who can help out and I'm literally left holding the baby while he resumes his old social life. I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up. And also, I don't want to be away from her for many nights on end, I find it odd he is okay with that.

AIBU to be resentful of him continuing to spend time away from the family for his own social gain? It makes me angry, and I feel like I can't stop him.

OP I hear that you’re frustrated by being ‘left with the baby’ but the amount he is away doesn’t seem particularly unreasonable (apart from the family holiday without you - that’s weird)

He is just as capable of being a parent as you are - he hasn’t had as much practice. You must create space where he’s in charge and you don’t rush in to take over. He might settle the baby differently to you - but as long as your baby is safe and responded too then you need to let him figure it out.

what do you need to not feel resentful? A night away with a friend? A night by yourself in a hotel room with no distractions?

what weekend time are you carving out for yourself? Can you sign up for park run? Some sort of craft class? A regular couple of hours reading your book in a cafe - whatever gets you some recharge time.

this isn’t going to fix itself by you shutting him off from his time out. It needs you to establish some balance. In an ideal world he would be attentive to this and encouraging you - but you need to insist or it will get worse.

or do you need to feel like he prioritises and invests in spending quality time with you? Date nights? Maybe activities / cooking at home if you don’t have family or helpful friends near by.

Your recharge time is essential to you being a happy parent - and you working out a way to nix the sense of resentment is essential to you staying happily married

you got this!

Well it's the "have to" bit which matters isn't it. Most people feel they have to because they understand about treating their partner fairly and prioritising the needs of their kids. I don't HAVE to stop getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night, sleeping in til midday and having week long girls holidays three times a year, but it wouldn't make me a very good Mom or wife

He thinks the child is not sentient and isn’t bothered to have a relationship with her. He acts like his own child is a puppy OP begged for and needs to train. He can go away as much as he likes because puppy isn’t his pet.

Why would it affect your parenting the rest of the time if the child is cared for though?

I initially thought you sounded like a martyr : I can't stay away one night. But, Your last post changes things, there are clearly bigger issues here.

Well it would be interesting to hear your partner's take on this: presumably you just left them to do the parenting while you enjoyed yourself?Children do restrict people's lives. Or they do when parents actually care about their children and their partners.

It's not a question of OP, or any woman, "telling " their partner they can't go away. If he is too stupid to realise being a father involves putting his child before his own social life then yes, he should have used condoms.

It is his child just as much as OP's. Both of them should be putting the child first and working as a partnership.

Of course both he and OP deserve a social life. But why should his social life revolve around going off for weekends at a time to get drunk, and whatever else he gets up to, with his male pals leaving OP to look after his child when she is not getting time to socialise herself. There are alternative ways to socialise which are compatible with having the responsibility of a baby.

He went away 4 times for max 2 nights, that's 8 nights, plus the 4 he is planning is 12 nights out of 365! That wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I didn't ever add them up but I'd imagine I was away from my baby 12 nights in the first year.

I would be pissed off about the week long trip with his family though?

This post is bang on. Great advice !!

but hang on......"baby won't accept comfort from him" "Dad expects baby to cry it out and not offer comfort" It can't be both so which is it?

It isn't 0.04% is it? I think it's 4% - 1 in 25 days approx.

Have a night away, you baby will survive and it will do him good to deal with it. X

Children grow quickly and under plenty in my son's class of ten years of age saying mum has no friends, very sad.

I read the OP as 17,days, which according to my calcs is 0.04%. and even if one day a month that's tiny. You do know some parents have to travel more than that for regular jobs.

I'd be asking him does he actually WANT to be in a relationship as he is acting like he is still single

The going away for the one nights isnt the issue - it is

1 - Are you doing / able to do the same - does he take the baby so you can relax or persue hobbies - if not hes taking the absolute piss
2 - Why are you not invited on the holidays with his family? etc
3 - This man sounds to be like he may be having an affair

He is acting like a single man and a very immature one going on hols with his parents and sibling and no one seems to have issue with this

At the very least he is acting very immature and this is not a good look for a grown man!

Feel you are missing the point - ie he is not going away on business so you make a moot point

But SHE COULD take time to socialize IF SHE CHOSE. And exactly how is the partner have weekends away etc being harmful to the child? You said put the child "before" his social life, so actually how it's it missing out?

I brought.up 2 of my kids totally alone actually. Their DF was in the forces and living in army accomodation. So not with me. And TBH he was rarely around so I hardly think I was taking the piss out of him My social life was restricted and I was pretty resentful about that . Luckily my mum and his looked after the kids once a month and I paid babysitters as well so I could go out.

Not sure how doing something for myself means I didn't care about the kids though

Each to their own I suppose.

Spending weekends away getting pissed with your pals when you have a wee baby at home isn't my idea of being an invested loving parent.

Why have a baby at all if your pals and booze are more important to you than parenting your child?

OP hasn't said any of that though.

I disagree completely. In my opinion away is away in the effect on a child. So either it is too impactful or it isn't.

If it is ok for work and no negative effect it is the same for pleasure time.

@stichguru she said that on her latest post that his idea of sleep training is leaving baby to cry without checking nappy, illness etc and will do that if she's away.

she has also said that the baby won't accept comfort from him which indicates to me that he has offered it.....it can't be both.

And most manage to do both. The best parents are happy ones. What is very clear is this martyrdom mindset.

For generations women couldn't go anywhere because they had no independence. No or very little money. Relationships were more likely to be unbalanced.

Now women have successful professional careers. And they have lives outside their children.

I have seen so many women make their world so small for decades and then they are lost. I was very fortunate. My late mother appreciated that her being happy made her a better mum. She was very sociable, never drank alcohol.

She went on girls trips with her sisters, her friends and her wider family. I do the same, I also travel for work.

My children's needs come first but children don't need to be attached to their mother 24/7. And if a mother wants she should be off enjoying herself.

So you need to be stuck 24/7 with a kid to be parenting it? Or is work ok but social life not? As long as the child isn't neglected what does it matter? And kids don't stay small babies for very long at all

I have seen so many women make their world so small for decades and then they are lost. @Marblesbackagain agree. Worst of all, it is other women who judge and encourage these ‘small worlds’. Thankfully, I’m surrounded by people in real life who are not like this.

Well yes. I think having a social life is important for parents.
If OP had said her DH went away a few weekends a year to do watch football/ do a hobby etc I would probably have thought well fair enough.
It's the going off just to " get pissed" with his male pals that gets me. So when her child is old enough to ask " where is daddy this weekend ? " and OP says " oh he's away getting steaming with his pals again" what is the child supposed to make of that? What kind of role model is he?
Besides which if he really does spend the whole weekend drinking that says to me he has a drink problem. Or at the very least an unhealthy relationship with booze. And if he is drinking all weekend there must be a knock on effect when he returns with having to recover.
And all this while expecting OP to do the parenting while he is away.