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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

364 replies

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

OP posts:
Mill3nnial · 04/10/2024 07:33

I do think it is implied that they expect you to watch the child but if you were watching 3 or 4 children at this point then that's difficult and it is annoying!

Original poster
itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:33

Alcohol can be involved as there is a bar, it ran as a private event so child can attend till 9pm. I don't drink as I take my children in the car.

When tha accident happened I was with my youngest participating in an activity.

I'm not worried about SS I have nothing to hide.
I have reached out and asked the club if needs be can SS have the CCTV footage and they have said yes 😊
Owner has said that the child can be wild and she has been thinking of having a word over her DDs behaviour

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 04/10/2024 07:36

Everytime they annouce they're going for a break say, I'm not looking after them.

Original poster
itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:37

@Brainded Only ever my sister I've seen act like this and usually when trying to deflect

OP posts:
Brainded · 04/10/2024 07:37

Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about SS they have bigger problems in the world to be dealing with @itsmeits

sesquipedalian · 04/10/2024 07:41

Just make it very clear to your sister that you go for the benefit of YOUR children; that you take absolutely no responsibility for a child you barely know whose mother thinks it OK to abandon her child for twenty minutes for a fag break, and that if there is any reporting to social services to be done, you will be reporting friend for abandoning her unruly offspring.

FloofPaws · 04/10/2024 07:42

Hi sister, I'd LOVE to speak to SS thank you, I'll let them know that a stranger decided to
F-off for an elongated fag break and left her 8 year old behind, expecting everyone else to take responsibility without even asking ... no problem
With that whatsoever!

2Old2Tango · 04/10/2024 07:43

You just say what you've said in your thread title. "You're not at the club with me, you're with my sister. Just because I'm there too, it doesn't make me default childcare when you swan off for half an hour. I'm busy supervising and participating in activities with my own children."

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/10/2024 07:43

Mill3nnial · 04/10/2024 07:33

I do think it is implied that they expect you to watch the child but if you were watching 3 or 4 children at this point then that's difficult and it is annoying!

Her mum is fully responsible not OP. Its her duty of care and she needed to explicitly ask and confirm OP was watching her. The mums being a CF thinking someone else should watch her kid for free when that person isnt her friend and already has two kids to watch herself. I might have a quick look around occasionally if I knew any mum had taken themself out, but that would be it, I have my own kids to watch and Id assume the parent was happy to leave her 8 year old without supervision or she would have asked.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 04/10/2024 07:44

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:27

It's a local social club, not a restaurant.
Child was swinging round something fell and split head open, as the were swinging near steps. Have been told not yo by mother on previous evening.

Anyone can go. I don't go with them I go with my DDs. They go also only I have become default childcare

“I am here to watch my children and my children only. If you had ASKED me to watch your DD, I would have considered it but you went off for a 20 minute cigarette break and left her unattended.”

Send this to them both OP. CFs.

MeMyCatsAndI · 04/10/2024 07:45

So basically she was drinking, leaving her kid 20 mins at a time a kid who has behaviour problems anyway?
I'd ring social myself and happily tell them what's happened, she doesn't sound like a very good mum and I don't say that lightly usually!

CableCar · 04/10/2024 07:45

If your sister is ripping you a new one, I'd tell her what you've said here and reiterate that if her friend comes again you are there with your DC, not to watch hers.

Sugargliderwombat · 04/10/2024 07:45

WOW. Terrible parenting from her and talk about deflecting. At least you won't have to be expected to watch her again!

the7Vabo · 04/10/2024 07:47

Im so annoyed for you OP.

From a social services perspective - the mother left a wild child unsupervised to go for cig break. Tell her that in no uncertain terms.

And obviously they can’t come with you again. You are hardly going to hang out with her when she’s accused you of harming her child.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/10/2024 07:49

and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect,
Tell her not to threaten but actually do it as you can't wait to tell SS about her part in this "neglect". She'll soon shut up.

As for your sister, tell her it's nothing to do with her as it should be between you, her friend and the SS and she is welcome to report the incident as well. She'll soon shut up too.

Lengokengo · 04/10/2024 07:50

You are completely in your right to hold your defence.

i have a relative who seems to think that every time we are in an extended family group, that ‘family’ are keeping an eye on her child. She has two boys, one of whom is easy/ placid , the other is definitely not! She and her DH will always wander off at a family event and thus not be remotely keeping an eye on this one boy, it looks casual but it is a deliberate pattern!

They also take the furthest seats away from this boy when eating at a family meal. I really notice it as am on the look out for it now having been stung in the past. You have to be utterly vigilant otherwise you are dumped with the responsibility and saying ‘no don’t climb up there, leave that alone, put that stick down etc etc.’ Now that is mostly left to MIL and older grandchildren as they are the only ones who don’t actively avoid picking up the childcare slack. Once you notice the avoidance of parenting it’s hard to unsee.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/10/2024 07:58

Sorry sis, I wasn’t asked to look after your friends kid. I was looking after my own; they are who I’m responsible for. If you want to call SS on me for watching my own children then please go ahead. Your friends DD is not my responsibility

Pinkandbluesocks · 04/10/2024 07:58

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/10/2024 07:31

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Hahahaha I laughed out loud at this part. Tell the mother who abandoned her DD with a stranger to go off for a fag break to report you to SS and see what they say.

They are CFs, OP. Don't go out with either of them again.

Edited

Yes, and get her to livestream it on here too. We could all do with a laugh.

Original poster
itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

OP posts:
MSLRT · 04/10/2024 08:00

I would make it very clear - in writing - that you are not responsible for her child while you are at the club and she is smoking or otherwise Send a text and screenshot if.

RampantIvy · 04/10/2024 08:01

MSLRT · 04/10/2024 08:00

I would make it very clear - in writing - that you are not responsible for her child while you are at the club and she is smoking or otherwise Send a text and screenshot if.

I think you must have cross posted. The OP just has Smile

Billybagpuss · 04/10/2024 08:03

Love that message

Cestfoutu · 04/10/2024 08:03

Perfect response. Well done!

Fundays12 · 04/10/2024 08:04

Sorry OP I selected the wrong voting button and can't undo it 🙈. One of the 3 percent vote at the moment saying YABU was me in error. No you absolutely do not need to take responsibility for someone else's child because they want to gossip and have a fag. You are there for your children and your focus should be on them. Tell your sister to phone SW and you will explain to them that you barely know the child, most definitely didn't agree to watch the child before the mum left and where there with your own 2 children which is quite enough kids to care for on your own and you feel so sorry for the child that her mum has no concern for her safety so she ended up getting hurt because of this. I am sure reporting herself to SW is not something they had considered as the outcome. Your children were in your care at all time's you are not the one they will investigate.

Fundays12 · 04/10/2024 08:05

Just seen your reply message. Well done OP they should back of now might even stop coming.

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