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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

364 replies

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

OP posts:
Chaiilatte · 04/10/2024 09:55

Wow, what a CF. the audacity of her threatening to report you to SS! Tell her to jog on.

Original poster
itsmeits · 04/10/2024 09:58

Just to clarify I was with my youngest participating when they went for there smoke/gossip session. Child was left at the table, where they sit - scribbling all over my youngest DDs colouring book that she helped herself to 😤
I was kinda keeping an eye the child so did see her faffing and heard the screaming when she fell. I wasn't anywhere near when they went out or when accident happened.

Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened child said she wasn't there

OP posts:
museumum · 04/10/2024 10:02

Good response OP. Well done.
When my child was younger if i needed the loo while they were doing an activity i'd have said 'please could you watch my child' before going. At 8, with my well behaved child, i might say to another adult 'im just going the loo'. this clearly doesn't mean 'watch my child' it just means if there's a fire alarm or somebody starts shouting 'where's this child's mother' you can say 'at the loo'. Your sister and friend ae VERy wrong here.

MrsSunshine2b · 04/10/2024 10:07

They sound completely ridiculous. Hopefully they will contact SS and SS will start monitoring her for not watching her own child!

Next time sis suggests coming with her friend, you will have to bluntly tell her that the friend needs to supervise her own child because you won't be doing so.

To be honest, I'd expect an 8 year old to manage on their own for 20 minutes anyway without hospitalising themselves.

Ohfuckwhatdoidonow · 04/10/2024 10:09

Lol, they're trying to rip you a new arsehole?
I wouldn't be having any of it. The pair of irresponsible fucks think announcing they're going for a fag break automatically makes you responsible? Absolutely fucking not.

They were the neglectful ones here, on two accounts.
Expecting the child to be reliant on someone they don't really know to keep them safe,
And fucking off without really arranging that someone was casting an eye on said child.

Do they always communicate so poorly?!:
In what world does fag break translate to please can you keep an eye on my child whilst I'm outside?

30percent · 04/10/2024 10:17

What an absolute idiot I hate people like this. Social services won't care if she reports you it's her child and she's the one whos neglecting it.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 04/10/2024 10:19

Your message was so good I wish I'd been there when your sister read it.

MrsSunshine2b · 04/10/2024 10:21

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 08:27

I agree. There was never a verbal request or agreement that OP would be responsible. So, the assumption is that the mother had deemed the situation safe enough and her DC sensible enough to step out for half an hour without saying anything. That is 100% her choice and her responsibility and nothing to do with the OP or any other adult.

If it was a much younger child then I’d see more grey area in this. But at 8 there are situations you might feel it’s safe enough to not be eyes on for short periods.

Show quote history

This. I would have been fine to leave my SD alone for a few minutes at that age in an environment like OP describes. I never would have left her for 20 minutes but I wouldn't have made her come with me if I'd popped to the loo or something. She was well-behaved enough that I could have trusted her. This child does not sound like the kind of child that can be left, but that's not OP's problem.

If someone left a 2 yo I'd be annoyed but obviously step in to supervise them, but not an 8yo.

Eddielizzard · 04/10/2024 10:21

Wow. Unbelievable behaviour. What a CF!

Onelifeonly · 04/10/2024 10:24

I'm sure blaming anyone and everything for their own failings is something social workers hear every day. Don't worry about ss. But set your own boundaries in future.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 04/10/2024 10:24

Your sister and her friend can fuck off to the far side of fuck.

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:25

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

I would stop going or change location, even temporarily. If you continue to go, they will continue to take advantage. So swap days and/or don't tell them or go somewhere else. People like this will never see they are wrong in expecting that of you.

30percent · 04/10/2024 10:31

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:25

I would stop going or change location, even temporarily. If you continue to go, they will continue to take advantage. So swap days and/or don't tell them or go somewhere else. People like this will never see they are wrong in expecting that of you.

Show quote history

I disagree. This is ops place she has been going to it a lot longer than them. Why should she give it up? If they want to keep taking advantage then let them continue to leave the child to injure herself it's not ops problem it's the childs mother's problem. If she wasn't such a shit mother the child being injured the first time would be enough for her to change her ways

NeedToChangeName · 04/10/2024 10:34

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:27

It's a local social club, not a restaurant.
Child was swinging round something fell and split head open, as the were swinging near steps. Have been told not yo by mother on previous evening.

Anyone can go. I don't go with them I go with my DDs. They go also only I have become default childcare

Sounds like you knew they were expecting you to supervise the child, so I'd say YABU to deny any responsibility

If you weren't willing to supervise, you should have said so

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:34

30percent · 04/10/2024 10:31

I disagree. This is ops place she has been going to it a lot longer than them. Why should she give it up? If they want to keep taking advantage then let them continue to leave the child to injure herself it's not ops problem it's the childs mother's problem. If she wasn't such a shit mother the child being injured the first time would be enough for her to change her ways

Show quote history

I agree that its not OP's fault - but if communicating to them that she will not babysit the children when she's there is not working, I would stop going temporarily so that they get bored of it/find something else to do when no one will look after the child.

No point going every time and being miserable or worrying about other peoples children 😑 its exhausting feeling like people are ruining your nice plans. Time to mix it up a bit I say! Not everyone is considerate in the world, and sadly they walk over people as it benefits them.

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 04/10/2024 10:37

Penguinmouse · 04/10/2024 07:20

Do not take this shit from parents who can’t be bothered to parent their children. “I am here to watch my children and my children only. If you had ASKED me to watch your DD, I would have considered it but you went off for a 20 minute cigarette break and left her unattended.” She can report you to social services all she likes, the neglect lies with her leaving a child unattended with a virtual stranger and no arrangement for you to watch her.

This! She is bang out of order, the cheeky bitch.

Coconutter24 · 04/10/2024 10:44

I think you know by the way you have written your options for the YABU/YANBU that you are not being unreasonable

Bringbackspring · 04/10/2024 10:47

My Dad used to take us to the local social club quite often and at age 8 we would just run around playing and doing whatever we wanted without constant/any supervision. An 8 year old doesn't need to be closely supervised in a contained environment like that. It would be the same at a wedding for example. Accidents happen, no one is really at fault. But sounds like the Mum is deflecting it all on to you.

My DSis ex would report her to SS for neglect every time the kids had so much as a scratch. If they ever needed to go to hospital he'd have a field day with it. SS knew the complaints were malicious and could see exactly what the ex was doing. It sounds like this could be similar, so unless there are other circumstances we don't know about it is unlikely to go anywhere.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/10/2024 10:50

So actually her own child dobbed her in for not being around when the child had the accident?
"Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened, child said she wasn't there"
Brilliant stuff altogether.

No wonder she is trying to pin this on to someone else.

You were busy actually, well, you know, being a parent to your kids and she, well, you know, actually wasn't.

As for your sister - I think she is terrible trying to pass blame on to you too.

2Little · 04/10/2024 10:50

Her child is her responsibility.

Katielovesteatime · 04/10/2024 10:53

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 04/10/2024 10:19

Your message was so good I wish I'd been there when your sister read it.

Ha! Same. Also, best username ever 👏

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 04/10/2024 10:54

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:25

I would stop going or change location, even temporarily. If you continue to go, they will continue to take advantage. So swap days and/or don't tell them or go somewhere else. People like this will never see they are wrong in expecting that of you.

Show quote history

Absolutely not!

OP I'd bet money that SS ring her and get her to tell them what happened, and she'll lie and say you were left in charge, and they'll tell her not to leave you in charge in future. Win/Win.

mondaytosunday · 04/10/2024 10:58

I used to take my kids swimming regularly and a friend (I r occasionally her DH) took hers of similar age (one three years older). All under 10 when they are supposed to have a parent. I noticed when the dad took them he just left them to go to the gym! I don't think he would say he was expecting me to mind them (there was a lifeguard) but I felt as I knew them that actually he was. If something happened he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I can't watch my two plus his three kids!
Your sister and her friends are being stupid. In no way is she not responsible for her own kids.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 04/10/2024 10:59

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:34

I agree that its not OP's fault - but if communicating to them that she will not babysit the children when she's there is not working, I would stop going temporarily so that they get bored of it/find something else to do when no one will look after the child.

No point going every time and being miserable or worrying about other peoples children 😑 its exhausting feeling like people are ruining your nice plans. Time to mix it up a bit I say! Not everyone is considerate in the world, and sadly they walk over people as it benefits them.

Show quote history

She hasn't said that outright to anybody yet as far as I can tell. Only to her sister a few hours ago by text.

She shouldn't have needed to, on behalf of the fact that nobody actually asked her to mind the child in the first place!

Also... 20 minute fag break? Fuck right off. Nip to the loo quickly - fine, no worries. Give yerself cancer with a stick while your kid is sat quietly colouring? OK, if you really must and you're quick. 20 minutes shits and giggles while your known to be rambuctious kid is maybe somehow getting half an eye kept on her? Fuck that shit.

ThanksHunPenneys · 04/10/2024 11:01

withgraceinmyheart · 04/10/2024 08:15

Going against the grain but I think yab a bit u if you knew that no one was watching the 8 year old and still left the area with your dc.

Totally not unreasonable to not want to watch someone else’s Dc but you did need to make it clear at the time and not after the child has been hurt.

i wouldn’t have done what the mum did, she’s being totally unreasonable.

Why should the 3yr old not be able to do the activities that they went there to do because of some random 8yr old that needs watching?? Get a grip!

Also OP has since clarified that she and the 3 Yr old were already doing their activity when the sis and friend disappeared.

I think the mother would have left the 8yr old to go for her fag break even if there was no-one she knew there.