Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

[itsmeits]

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

She effectively has reported me to SS. Hospital reported her due to what her DD said and possibly due to her have having a drink - she wasn't drunk - assuming this all I know is Hospital reported something.

Sisters friend has spoken to SS she was with my sister at the time - sister works in weird and wonderful shift non pattern - they have provided my info.
I spoke to them, provided Club owners details as an independent witness, she then spoken to them. I have since found out several club members have rang SS today to report there own statements of what behaviour they have witnessed of us both 😳 😅 it's turned into a witch hunt over here.

Fair point that it wasn’t her responsibility but she was put in that situation. When we are put in situations, however unfairly, we need to find the most appropriate way out.

I would not have let a mum walk off assuming I was keeping an eye on their child when I wasn’t. Why not communicate?

Do you tell everyone with a young child in your vicinity who happens to walk away or look away that you are not keeping an eye on their child too?

No. Because it's nothing to do with you.

Had the OP said something, it would have been an odd and awkward exchange.

I'm off for a cig.

Ok, but I'm not looking after your child. I'm here with mine. I won't be able to look after yours too!

Wind your neck in, no one asked you to!

She acted entirely appropriately. The mother put herself and her child into the situation - nothing to do with OP. Again, attempting to dump it on OP doesn’t oblige OP in any way. She wasn’t obliged to communicate with the mother, and she wasn’t obliged to watch the child.

Why not communicate? Because it wasn’t on her to do so, and she didn’t want to. Not wanting to is all the reason she needs. Not her circus, not her monkeys. Personally, sometimes I’ll correct someone, and sometimes I’ll let them find out for themselves - depends on what I’m feeling like. I don’t communicate because I feel like it’s my responsibility to do so though. You are of course free to choose differently should you ever find yourself in the same situation.

I wouldn't have walked off leaving my child unless I was certain that someone was keeping an eye on them!

Why not communicate indeed?

Oh, dear, OP! 😁 Well a bit of drama keeps life interesting...

FWIW, if imagine all the LA would want to establish from you was whether you'd be asked to keep an eye on her child and whether you'd agreed to do so.

The responsibility is on the parent to ensure that there is someone actively watching their child. Not on anyone and everyone else to assume that mum has fucked off and it's now their responsibility. Why yours? Why not someone who was standing closer? It's a nonsense and she was in the wrong.

The daughter had a head injury & her mum wasn't there-you can see why that needs looking into!

Totally agree. But without being asked, the OP is no more culpable than anyone else there who also wasn't asked.

Yes SS just wanted to establish if I had been directly asked to watch the child. Or if it was just implied that the 'village' were watching her.
When the mum left she was sat at the table, however mum was gone to long and child started to entertain themselves = accident.
There were several other adults in the room so why am I singled out as the bad one.

Eh @itsmeits ?
" I have since found out several club members have rang SS today to report there own statements of what behaviour they have witnessed of us both"

Detrimentally about you??! I hope not! You did nothing wrong!

I hope all the other witnesses supported you that you were not responsible for her child? Lol this is like a movie. I keep coming back to read the updates 😂

No they have rang to say what they have seen on the evening, and also there thought on how we parent our children.
Some of these people have known me since I was a teenager and have seen me raise 3 children as well as grow up myself.
We have attended many events over the years- functions, fun days, fund raisers - as a family. But not full members as we don't live locally - my mum still is. Over the last 2.5 years i have been there once a week minium unless it's cancelled.
My partner and oldest play darts here also.

The members are horrified I have been blamed, some have reported themselves for investigation as they were also in the room, but not asked.
I have explained that SS are not blaming me, nor wish to visit or speak to me further. And not to give them extra work as the Woman was perfectly polite and reasonable.

Oh of course & I wasn't intending to suggest otherwise.

Tbh even if Op had been asked to watch-she was busy with her own child & (imo) was unlikely to stop what she was doing & give full attention to someone else's child.

Again, not a criticism.

Op goes there specifically to do activities with her kid(s)!

I think at least you don't have to worry about sister's friend going to this event in the future, unless she wants to be met with pitchforks. 😂

I am loving the sound of this club, by the way! Very 'community'.

And - YANBU. I'd rip your sister a new one, but it sounds as if your mother already has.

I think the club sounds lovely too! I’d love to know what the activities are that they do or if this kind of club exists elsewhere

@itsmeits

Well, sounds to me as if Sis and her pal have dished themselves a heapin' plateful of shit stew with their trying to blame you for pal's poor parenting! They forgot to remember that when you're pointing 1 finger at someone there are 4 other fingers pointing right back at them.

Agree. The mother would have been better being very apologetic saying she'd just gone to the loo and felt awful when she came back and wished she'd taken her daughter in with her but thought at 8 she'd be OK for a few minutes as she'd left her sitting quietly at a table rather than trying to blame another adult sat at the same table who hadn't been asked to supervise her daughter. Social services wouldn't have become involved then as hospitals are used to accidents happening to children

Maybe the PP was the same poster who earlier today asked where to get reins big enough for a 9 Yr old (that the poster confirmed had no disabilities/SEN or any other reason). MN deleted that one!

It’s good that the hospital contacted social services about this mother. Stay away from this person and tell your sister to think about the friends she has.

Absolutely!

Your sister sounds like an absolute cow. You have 2 of your own children to watch, they are your priority. Can her friend not take her cigarette breaks before or after the event? It's her friend not yours. It's a pity you told your sister about this, I'm sure you wouldn't have if you had known she and her friend were going to take advantage like that. In any case, you were not being paid to child mind, therein lies the answer. In future if she wants a friend to tag along with kids for free babysitting, tell her you aren't insured to mind other people's children and it won't be happening. The absolute cheek of both of them.

Tricky one. You were in a group. When the other mums announced they were off for a ciggy break, if you didn't say anything you DID sort of tacitly take responsibility for the kids.
Pity it turned into a blame contest.

Social services do not just get involved because a child has an accident and splits head open. My son did this twice in 8 weeks due to a heart murmur and loosing his balance when dizzy. We didn't know that was the cause at the time but no ss involvement. Unless their is other stuff in the background one accident would not lead to involvement. Sounds like this parent most likely has a tendency not to pay attention to her child.

Other people's children are NOT your responsibility unless there's some sort of formal agreement...good luck...xx