Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect some kindness and empathy from DH

153 replies

Tonytonitonee · 03/10/2024 20:28

I have been feeling unwell for a while now and am on medication for thyroid issues & a couple of other things. I usually feel horrible, depressed and exhausted.
DH no longer cares. If I tell him how I am feeling he'll listen for a few minutes and then try to change the subject or tell me to go and see a doctor. We have been married for 12 years and have two children. I have been feeling unwell for a few years and have been going to the doctors but nothing seems to work, and I feel like crap.

Today, I was telling him how I was feeling and he was looked bored. I challenged his behaviour & he became defensive, telling he isn't a doctor so he can't help me. He went on to complain that he had his own problems. I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen, even fake interest for 5 minutes.
He is a present and attentive father but he is seriously lacking as a husband.

OP posts:
Disappearedwife · 03/10/2024 20:32

Oh OP I feel for you but I also feel for your husband. You’ve been feeling unwell and letting him know for a few years. I’m not sure what you expect him to do, he’s been listening, probably previously been sympathetic but other than suggesting going to a doctor he doesn’t have any solutions to offer. Men often want solutions and aren’t so good at the just listening to you vent bit. Perhaps he has in the past but I do think a few years is quite a long time to be listening to the same time and giving the same helpless ‘im sorry you’re unwell’ and he can’t help you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2024 20:33

You’ve posted in AIBU, so I’ll respond in that vein. I think it’s incredibly hard being support-person to somebody who is depressed and always feels rubbish and has done so for years on end, and rarely has anything to say which isn’t about them feeling rubbish and needing support.

Are you doing all the things which doctors have said may help? Diet, exercise, medication, making time to do X,Y,Z, routine, therapy?

candlewhickgreen · 03/10/2024 20:35

Would you want someone repeatedly telling you how crap they feel for years?

Pammela2 · 03/10/2024 20:36

I have to agree with pp. my husband can be like this and tells me most days about the same problem.

It is very difficult to hear the same thing over and over and over. It’s not a lack of care but more a sense of you’ve already said everything..

I do think you have to suck it up a little bit and if you discuss it less often then he will probably be more willing to discuss it at other times.

BarbaraHoward · 03/10/2024 20:36

I feel for both of you tbh. Are you in the young kids years or is he slammed at work? He may just not have capacity to do more right now.

Ragruggers · 03/10/2024 20:36

You really need to find out what is causing you to be so unwell for this to go on for years is not right.Have you been referred to an endocrinologist? I nderstand how boring it is for others to listen to illness but you need to act for yourself as your DH seems incapable to help you.It is a horrible feeling being ill and no one believes you.I have been in this position with a rare illness that doctors didn’t believe until I finally was diagnosed.I wish you success in getting the medical help you need and I am sorry you are coping with this.

Gymmum82 · 03/10/2024 20:37

Imagine listening to someone moan on about how crap they feel day in day out for years. Honestly I feel for him. I couldn’t deal with that

Whereoneartharewe · 03/10/2024 20:40

I totally agree that your DH should be able to listen and sympathise with you whilst you tell him how you are feeling.That is what being in a marriage should be about:supporting and caring for your partner
But that's assuming you recipricate and give him time to talk about his problems.

it's got to be a 2 way thing.

I'm sorry you are feeling so rotten OP.

MonsteraMama · 03/10/2024 20:42

I'm not going to lie to you, hearing someone complain about their health constantly is truly, truly exhausting. And I say that as someone who also has thyroid issues and depression and has suffered a long time as a result, so I truly understand how you're feeling.

But you just can't use your husband as your outlet for these feelings all the time. I'm sorry but he is right. If he's been hearing about this constantly for years, and seeing no improvement, it's draining. And I know it's not your fault, you feel shit, nothing is working and you want your husband to care. He does care, but having to hear about how shit your significant other feels every day and not being able to do anything about it fucking sucks. (Especially for men who tend to want to fix problems, so struggle when constantly presented with a problem they can't fix).

My honest advice would be to get a therapist. Use Betterhelp if you can't afford in person, you just need someone you can vent this to that isn't your husband. Because he's not a doctor or a therapist and he can't help, and he probably wants to and hates the fact that he can't. OR be specific that you just want a cuddle and some sympathy and you're not asking him to fix your issues.

Undisclosedlocation · 03/10/2024 20:44

Years of talking about it and asking for sympathy with no end in sight sound pretty draining tbh.
Im generally of the opinion that outside of obviously making every attempt to get medical help for your issues, talking about the unfixable (by him, at least) is depressing for both you and doesn’t actually help

Completelyjo · 03/10/2024 20:45

I guess it’s not 5 minutes though if you say you’ve been feeling crap and depressed for years.
If someone is always feeling rubbish and doesn’t actually take productive steps to improve themselves but instead just offloads on other people or takes it out on other people by being a dark cloud it can be so draining.

WingBingo · 03/10/2024 20:45

“Listen for a few minutes”

surely that’s long enough? It’s not nice to feel rubbish but surely you don’t carry on more than a few minutes?

buttonsB4 · 03/10/2024 20:48

What have you done to address your health issues OP?

Have you tried changes to your diet? Cutting out food groups (sugar/gluten/dairy etc) in turn to see if something specific is affecting you?

Have you had your blood checked for iron levels and to see if you're perimenopausal &/or have any other indications of a medical issue?

Tried to walk/get outside regularly during daylight hours to get exercise and vitamin D.l?

It's incredibly hard to be someone's support system, but it's easier when you see someone actively trying to improve their health and trying to narrow down the root of the problem so they can tackle it.

Perhaps if your H sees you trying to help yourself more, he'll be more on side.

MintyNew · 03/10/2024 20:53

I understand he is stressed at work

No you don't. If you did then you wouldn't go on and on about something he can't do anything about. What do you really expect him to do? He's telling you he has his own stresses and you ignore that but expect different.

DoreenonTill8 · 03/10/2024 20:55

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2024 20:33

You’ve posted in AIBU, so I’ll respond in that vein. I think it’s incredibly hard being support-person to somebody who is depressed and always feels rubbish and has done so for years on end, and rarely has anything to say which isn’t about them feeling rubbish and needing support.

Are you doing all the things which doctors have said may help? Diet, exercise, medication, making time to do X,Y,Z, routine, therapy?

Edited

This, but I find the I challenged his behaviour
'Challenged' how? Shouted at him? Told him off for not centering you? Are you as dismissive about him and his stress to him? I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen are you currently working?

Undisclosedlocation · 03/10/2024 21:04

You do seem a bit wrapped up in your own troubles and dismissive of his OP
I understand that things are hard for you. But a sick, depressed wife, kids and a stressful job don’t exactly sound like a barrel of laughs really, do they? I was expect he needs some support too sometimes.

betterangels · 03/10/2024 21:09

He has been according to you. YABU, although I imagine it's no fun being you. If this has been going on for a long time, he'll be exhausted. I say that as someone with a chronic illness. No one person can listen and empathize endlessly. And he'll also know that he can't do anything to fix your illness. No fun being him, either. He's present for the children. I'd focus on that and speak to doctors about your health. They are the ones with the tools to help you.

Cynic17 · 03/10/2024 21:13

Well, if you just complain but don't do anything to help yourself, then I'm with your husband. What do you expect him to do? There's nothing worse than a person who whinges about their health to try and get sympathy. See a doctor and get professional help.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/10/2024 21:20

I’m sorry OP but I’m also with your husband on this one. If this has gone on for years that I really don’t blame him at all, nobody can be expected to listen and empathise and constantly be the one providing comfort and reassurance all of the time.

GingerPirate · 03/10/2024 21:21

Cynic17 · 03/10/2024 21:13

Well, if you just complain but don't do anything to help yourself, then I'm with your husband. What do you expect him to do? There's nothing worse than a person who whinges about their health to try and get sympathy. See a doctor and get professional help.

This.
I have got the same (presumably underactive) thyroid problem since childhood.
I feel tired, joyless but work my damn arse off to not give in.
My 74 yo husband is understanding, but he isn't a doctor either.

Original poster
Tonytonitonee · 03/10/2024 21:22

DoreenonTill8 · 03/10/2024 20:55

This, but I find the I challenged his behaviour
'Challenged' how? Shouted at him? Told him off for not centering you? Are you as dismissive about him and his stress to him? I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen are you currently working?

Show quote history

I asked him, why he wasn't listening to me. It wasn't a big argument, more like bickering.

Yes, I work full time, and do I the cooking and cleaning. He helps but I do my fair share.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonytonitonee · 03/10/2024 21:23

Cynic17 · 03/10/2024 21:13

Well, if you just complain but don't do anything to help yourself, then I'm with your husband. What do you expect him to do? There's nothing worse than a person who whinges about their health to try and get sympathy. See a doctor and get professional help.

I am seeing a doctor but progress is very slow.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 03/10/2024 21:24

Tonytonitonee · 03/10/2024 21:22

I asked him, why he wasn't listening to me. It wasn't a big argument, more like bickering.

Yes, I work full time, and do I the cooking and cleaning. He helps but I do my fair share.

Show quote history

But what are you expecting from him? To constantly just listen and soak up all your anger and frustration and unhappiness?

Dawevi · 03/10/2024 21:25

OP I think you need to reflect on how much you talk about your health. My in laws are always going on about their ailments and it's honestly so tedious. I know it's difficult being ill, my DD is long term ill, but you can't go on about it all the time, you have to accept this is your life and make the best of it.
I think your husband is likely fed up of you moaning because there's nothing can be done, this is how things are and you have to get on with it.

Original poster
Tonytonitonee · 03/10/2024 21:25

buttonsB4 · 03/10/2024 20:48

What have you done to address your health issues OP?

Have you tried changes to your diet? Cutting out food groups (sugar/gluten/dairy etc) in turn to see if something specific is affecting you?

Have you had your blood checked for iron levels and to see if you're perimenopausal &/or have any other indications of a medical issue?

Tried to walk/get outside regularly during daylight hours to get exercise and vitamin D.l?

It's incredibly hard to be someone's support system, but it's easier when you see someone actively trying to improve their health and trying to narrow down the root of the problem so they can tackle it.

Perhaps if your H sees you trying to help yourself more, he'll be more on side.

I have gone to the doctors, I am on a very resctive and take my medication, but I don't seem to be getting better. I feel like I am falling apart.

I know it's hard for him. I wish it wasn't.

OP posts: