To expect some kindness and empathy from DH

[Tonytonitonee]

I have been feeling unwell for a while now and am on medication for thyroid issues & a couple of other things. I usually feel horrible, depressed and exhausted.
DH no longer cares. If I tell him how I am feeling he'll listen for a few minutes and then try to change the subject or tell me to go and see a doctor. We have been married for 12 years and have two children. I have been feeling unwell for a few years and have been going to the doctors but nothing seems to work, and I feel like crap.

Today, I was telling him how I was feeling and he was looked bored. I challenged his behaviour & he became defensive, telling he isn't a doctor so he can't help me. He went on to complain that he had his own problems. I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen, even fake interest for 5 minutes.
He is a present and attentive father but he is seriously lacking as a husband.

He can’t do anything to help you and after years of it he’s probably absolutely at his limit of being a sponge for the negativity. Speak to doctors who can help you about your health, stop having a go at him for not wanting to hear about it every day. I know it’s not easy being unwell, but it’s also not easy listening to someone who is constantly talking about how unwell and depressed they feel when there’s absolutely nothing you can do to help them.

I’m sorry op , sorry you’re going through this but also I’m on your husbands side, this is very hard, to listen to someone for years on end would test the patience of a saint, you need to find another support person, that you can talk at about your health. I do hope you make a recovery, for all your sakes.

He is a present and attentive father but he is seriously lacking as a husband

what a very horrible and selfish thing to write op.

OP I actually feel for you.
A lot of long term health conditions are notorious in searching for a diagnosis. It’s really frustrating when you have been healthy, become ill, search for answers and there are none. And yes you get asked but what are you doing about it. You should be better by now. Are you sure it’s that bad?
That is what causes your mental state to deteriorate - not bring seen or heard.
I understand it’s also difficult for a partner to be around. We are all taught then when we get sick we got to a doctor and then get cured. So it’s hard when that doesn’t happen.
I actually understand why you are upset - you just want to be seen and heard.
But your stressed DH just wants to block it from his mind.
I have found therapy has helped me a lot, and joining a support group which is actually positive. We are able to talk about our true feelings but we also take part Iow key activities. These are my tribe who I speak to when really low.
As for DP created a Chart of Shit which basically assigns a few numbers to how I’m doing that day around energy and pain. Its just a practical way if him knowing what’s happening without me having to repeat myself.
Being ill over a prolonged period when you try your best to get better is unpleasant.
I got in a seriously bad place. But therapy and a support group have been lifesavers. Having people who are going through something similar lightens the load.
My relationship with DP had really improved, too.

It's very difficult to live with a long term health condition, and (I suspect) very difficult to live with someone who has a long term condition.

I have chronic fatigue and DH asks me practically every day how I feel. I mostly confine myself to saying, 'Not great today, but never mind' because there is nothing more boring that constantly complaining I'm tired and expecting someone to sympathise. He can't do anything and I could drone on every single day about how ill I feel, how fed up I am, how exhausted I am and sick of never being well enough to do anything. But I don't.

I'm not surprised your DH is looking bored if you keep telling him how you are feeling and it's been going on for years. Yes, it's tough - but people do get bored if you keep talking about your poor health. I know it is frustrating if nothing changes, but it's one of the things you have to live with, unfortunately.

I had a year or two where I felt that way OP and it really is shit. I suspect your DH just isn't in a particularly good place either. I know we bicker a lot when we're drowning in all the work/life/kids crap.

Ideally he should be able to listen and sympathise 24/7 but the reality of marriage is sometimes a bit different to the ideals we have at the altar.

Sorry you are going through this @Hatty65 I totally get it.

How often do you talk about feeling unwell? As someone who has had a chronic condition for 30 years, it’s a boring subject. You feel shit all the time but keep on talking about it won’t change it or make you feel any better.

Oh I missed that, absolutely awful and self centered. What do you mean by lacking? Not behaving as you want?
Would you be happier if he was less present for the children and gave you more attention?

I'm sorry you are feeling poorly OP.

My DH used to tell me how terrible he felt, it was the first thing he said to me every morning, the last thing every night, and would occur a few times a day in between. After letting it go on too long I had to ask him to stop, I felt more like his carer than a wife, it completely killed our sex life, which has never recovered.
He has incurable cancer which he will live with for the rest of his life, it's a lot to cope with for both of us but I was already taking care of so much. I just didn't have the bandwidth for that too. I had to think of my own health. You can't pour from an empty cup.
He didn't understand the pressure it was putting on me. I'm not the one who is suffering, not the one who has cancer. But I've been there for every appointment, every scan, test and biopsy, every radiotherapy appointment. I'm the designated driver, the one who plans and organises, the one who makes sure everyone else is alright and informed. I'm the breadwinner with a full time job keeping the lights on and paying the mortgage, negotiating with my boss for time off for appointments and making up time at the weekends. I am the support system. So who is my support? That should've been my DH but at that point in time he'd tipped over into needing too much from me without considering if I could cope with it or if my needs were also being met.

So I guess I'm saying that to you it's just wanting him to listen, but it's unlikely to be that simple for him. I know your situation is not as extreme as mine, you've said you are doing your fair share. People have differing capacity for coping though and I suspect he's reached his limit. That may be frustrating for you but yabu to expect something that he clearly doesn't want or can't give.

Op you deserve kindness and empathy, it often takes someone having a serious illness themselves to understand what life is like for someone with chronic health problems. You don't need to be quiet or pretend your problems aren't real. Keep lowering your expectations of those around you and eventually with the passage of time people will start developing hypertension, high cholesterol etc and you can tell them not to talk to you about it "because I'm not a doctor!" It takes years but it's validating to watch ah-hah moments.

I think this is harsh. It's certainly possible to be a good father but a bad husband.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo Thank you! 🌺💐I wasn't expecting sympathy, but that was really kind of you.

I do feel sorry for OP, but I am aware that it would be really easy (for me) to complain every single day and I really try not to. Focusing on the positives is much better. I also think people don't really understand if you say you are 'tired' or 'exhausted' and tend to think 'Me too' but CFS is completely different to being 'tired'.

For my DH, I'm aware that my illness puts a lot on him - he ends up doing 90% of the household tasks because I'm not able to, so moaning to him about it feels like adding insult to injury. I imagine he is fed up with my illness too because it puts a lot of burden on him and restricts our life a lot, without me also moaning about it.

But does that not depend on what the OP equates a 'bad husband' to be?

Reading the replies is interesting as I actually voted YANBU.

But I can see what pps mean. It is hard to listen to someone complain about the same thing over and over. Especially if you are a solutions focused person (I am one).

Is there anything your DH can actually do to help, to allow you a bit more rest perhaps? Would you be willing to swap that for less talk about the symptoms?

OP do not do this.

I have Endometriosis and severe OCD. Really bad pain days I'll say I'm having a bad Endo flair. other than that I don't want to hear myself talk about it.

I remember going to a support group and seeing how some people made their whole lives this disease. It almost seemed to become a habit. I made a friend who ended up leaving because she felt herself becoming more and more negative.

My step sister has a very rare terminal disease. She is always in pain. Hospitalized every other week. She was diagnosed at 8. She never complains. She does so much good work. She's amazing. if she can be positive I really have no excuse to complain.

Unnecessary to quote my post. The op can do or not do whatever she wants as an autonomous person. Your experiences are your own.

To all the people saying that she is constantly going on and on about it, nowhere in her posts did she indicate that. Surely she is permitted to talk about it occasionally, and surely a good husband would not be so dismissive about it.
If indeed she talks about it too much, that can be exhausting, but there is no evidence to support that assumption.
There are also people saying OP is complaining but doing nothing about it, even though she has stated she's being treated and it's not working.
Lots of silly assumptions and baseless accusations are going on in this thread. Typical MN pile-on bullshit.

Sorry you feel rubbish OP, but in the nicest way possible, it'll also be a bit rubbish for him to be the long term support person. When you talk about your day it's ok to be honest and mention how you feel, but try not to make it the sole or immediate topic of conversation.
Are you getting the right medication/support from your GP etc?

Could it be the menopause? I felt like my world was falling apart and then a GO prescribed HRT.

I have had chronic fatigue for over a decade now. It’s basically ruined my life. I didn’t have much quality time with my dd. I don’t complain to my family. There is no point. My being ill is draining enough and I don’t want to be seen as the ill person. I use therapy to offload and I suggest if you have access to funds for this, you do the same.

I think a support group might help more than venting to your DH. Compassion fatigue is very common.

It's really hard listening to someone complain all the time. I'm guessing he tries to separate himself from it . You have to appreciate this will affect his mental health and quality of life too.
I would access some therapy if you need to unload and try to give your dh a bit of a break.

Even Samaritans is good to offload on sometimes.
From experience it is v hard listening to complaining all the time.

I’m surprised by this thread as I’m the partner of a chronically ill person, and when I’ve posted before I’ve had my arse handed to me since ‘in sickness and in health’ should cover everything. I’m pleased that the challenges of being a partner are being recognised- it’s so awful for you, OP not feeling well which I totally acknowledge.

But every single day my partner wakes up in a bad mood. He gets out of bed and tells me about how bad he feels, how terribly he’s slept, how ambivalent he is about the day ahead, Not once will he greet me with a smile or kind word let alone make me a coffee.And that is just a killer after 10 long years, tbh.