To expect some kindness and empathy from DH

[Tonytonitonee]

I have been feeling unwell for a while now and am on medication for thyroid issues & a couple of other things. I usually feel horrible, depressed and exhausted.
DH no longer cares. If I tell him how I am feeling he'll listen for a few minutes and then try to change the subject or tell me to go and see a doctor. We have been married for 12 years and have two children. I have been feeling unwell for a few years and have been going to the doctors but nothing seems to work, and I feel like crap.

Today, I was telling him how I was feeling and he was looked bored. I challenged his behaviour & he became defensive, telling he isn't a doctor so he can't help me. He went on to complain that he had his own problems. I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen, even fake interest for 5 minutes.
He is a present and attentive father but he is seriously lacking as a husband.

You don't have to put up with that. No point in there being 2 unhappy people in a relationship and you've not even made marriage vows.

Dont you start on me.. trouble maker. I am asking OP of hes like my ex or if hes , in essence, just fed up with hearing her complain. Always bloody one to slate a post, shove off

What on earth are you talking about?

I've got a couple of long term medical issues that can be really debilitating with chronic pain, fatigue and all that comes with that. I hardly ever moan about it to DP or my mum or anyone really. The odd day maybe if it's a particularly bad day and someone has an expectation of me I can't do, or if there's a task of my own I can't do and need to ask for help with.

I'm lucky in that I'm self employed and have a small business, so on a particularly bad day, like when my limbs seize up, I can just rest that day, so I at least don't need to be at work.

I can't think of anything worse than someone moaning at me day in day out never mind about the same issues. I've experienced it when my mum had an accident and was ill for a good while. Every day, was doom and gloom and it's really wearing and draining having to listen to it every day.

DP asks daily if I'm ok and listens if it's a day I'm having a bad struggle, but maybe that's because they're more of a rarity.

I have a few medication allergies so I'm med limited, plus one of the conditions isn't really easy fixed with a specific med so I've had to find my own anecdotal ways to help with it (DP is also great at remembering anything he sees or hears anywhere to advise me of)

Have you looked on online forums for whatever your conditions are, and found support groups. They can be a great source of anecdotal methods to help, some will be a waste of time, but you do find the odd suggestion that can work for you.

You can say this all you want but people don’t have to listen and put up with a situation that makes everyone’s life miserable. Of course it’s awful not feeling well but looking at studies, there’s obviously much better quality of life if attitude is changed.

If a partner has explained how this makes them feel and it’s clearly impacting their relationship with you then they might not stick around.. and then who will you vent to?

I actually disagree with this. I think that often those people are ones who will look for a solution..which may not always be the most helpful but it’s just a different way of thinking.

I am always aware not to make other people feel down because I’m suffering.

I’m sorry OP but that is an absolutely dreadful attitude to your poor husband.
You want him to put up with something you acknowledge is unfair, yet he is supposed to be your life partner. Someone you presumably love and care about. Instead it’s a case of you demanding he accept unfair treatment just because you want him to - and label him an awful husband for not continuing to suck it up day after day without even having the temerity to get bored!
If the roles were reversed and you were posting from his perspective, you would probably be told to LTB (this is MN after all) or at the very least that he needed to find kinder, more appropriate ways of dealing with his issues. Unless you want your relationship to suffer as well as your health, you would be wise to change

Actually I agree with the poster. I have a couple of relatives with health issues, and they find it the most interesting thing to talk about. And they don’t really want to hear anyone else’s. The ops husband is stressed but she brushes it off, like her health issues are way more important. Even nastily says he’s lacking as a husband. And then later admits she won’t do it to her friends as she knows the impact, and even tells us even though she knows it’s bad she still wants him to sit and listen to her several times a week, irrelevant of the impact on him.

You’re an anomaly if you don’t do it. As from this, the op does.

And I often find that those who go on and on about their illness are the ones who aren't interested in anyone else's problems and worries and don't want to hear about them. Let alone offer empathy.

I am on Levothyroxine, the doctor did refer me to an consultant and he put me on this medication. The consultant then left and the hospital discharged me and never say anyone but my GP

My DM has many ailments, most of which are mundane and incurable, but they add up and cause her anxiety; I understand this. Everytime we speak, she talks about how ill she is. She lives on her own and I've told her that she can offload to me. Most of the time I'm OK with it, but sometimes I just think, not now, please.

No doubt your DH wants to fully support you, but it's hard to hear about it so much, especially when there's no diagnoses.

Have you had a full medical, bloods, scans, etc? See a Naturopath. The one I used to see was amazing.

Op, habe you seen your doctor about depression or anxiety? Also do you suffer from health anxiety?

You need to go back to the doctor - request a different GP if the one you saw wasn't helpful - and keep pushing for treatment if your current medication isn't working.

It's not fair to take your pain and frustration out on your DH, if you're that unwell then you need to do everything possible to get yourself sorted.

Why don't you find an online support group or a therapist? Your husband must be at wit's end.

As a pp said, what do you get out of complaining every day? What are you hoping to accomplish by doing so?

Hi, no I haven't. These illnesses are making me feel down, which is why I like talk about them with DH. I feel better after I've spoken to him.

i don't think I have health anxiety

The thing is you feel better but he likely feels worse and drained.

These illnesses are making me feel down, which is why I like talk about them with DH. I feel better after I've spoken to him.

But what about how he feels?

I have to say, you don't seem particularly interested in any solutions and just want to complain - is that how you speak to your husband? Because if so, I can really understand why he's so frustrated and just tunes it out.

You need to speak to someone else about your problems, or you will ruin your marriage.

I have hypothyroidism as well. Its shit, its tough but sitting around moaning about it doesn't make life any better. What makes it better is taking the meds, and making the most of things. I am on a very high dose of levothyroxine I get tired but I work full time , I do things with the family
Sometimes I have to adjust what I do with them but hell you get one life they get one life make the best of it.

i have to be honest, you’re so singularly focused on your husband has to listen to your health issues , and irrelevant of what anyone says you won’t deviate. Even I’m frustrated reading it. If you behave like this at home,I won’t lie. I don’t know how the man’s still there.

Do tell. Show the studies you refer to.

No of course he doesn't have to listen. But if he actually wants to keep his marriage, five minutes of empathy a few times a week is very little to ask.
Equally, she does not have to do fuck all for him either. However, if she refused, that would likely be the end of the marriage, wouldn't it. Nobody has to do anything for a partner. Just don't expect to keep that partner if you're selfish.

I have a chronic health condition. I don’t mention it to anyone unless it’s actually relevant.

For example, no I don’t want to go clubbing because I can’t get up and dance.

You are boring him shitless.

Are you saying you really couldn't bear to hear it for five minutes a few times a week, and would show it to him by being dismissive and looking bored?
If so, I would consider that extremely selfish behaviour and lacking in empathy.

Quite..your final sentence is exactly what most posters are trying to emphasise.

can you really not see the irony in your last sentence. And what makes you think he wants to keep his marriage. It’s not a penance he needs to pay.

No, I can't. So feel free to explain it to me. I was saying that every partnership relies on give and take from both parties. You disagree with this?
I don't know if he wants to keep his marriage or not. The point is that if he does, there has to be give as well as take from both parties. He does a) for her and she does b) for him, based on a reasonable assessment of where their individual needs lie.
Again, which part of that do you disagree with?