To expect some kindness and empathy from DH

[Tonytonitonee]

I have been feeling unwell for a while now and am on medication for thyroid issues & a couple of other things. I usually feel horrible, depressed and exhausted.
DH no longer cares. If I tell him how I am feeling he'll listen for a few minutes and then try to change the subject or tell me to go and see a doctor. We have been married for 12 years and have two children. I have been feeling unwell for a few years and have been going to the doctors but nothing seems to work, and I feel like crap.

Today, I was telling him how I was feeling and he was looked bored. I challenged his behaviour & he became defensive, telling he isn't a doctor so he can't help me. He went on to complain that he had his own problems. I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen, even fake interest for 5 minutes.
He is a present and attentive father but he is seriously lacking as a husband.

DH: "I can't listen to you complain about the same things all the time, especially if you don't seem motivated to push more medical help or look for support from people who are going through it. I also have things stressing me out that I'm not burdening you with but this is draining me, I'm exhausted by it"

OP: "I feel better when I complain to you. I dont want to look for a support group or speak to friends because they won't tolerate it. I have you to complain and you must tolerate it. I want to continue and it's really selfish of you not to want to listen to the same complaints numerous times a week, if not daily. My talking about ill health is what's important here, not what you want or how it could be impacting your health"

Who's right, who's wrong?

Have you tried writing down what you want to say in a journal?

It is deadly boring to discuss other people’s chronic health problems. I say this as someone who has some. These illnesses are the definition of same shit different day and you cannot expect your DH to listen to the same problems day in day out.

The best bit of advice I ever had was not to own your illness. Never say “my hypothyroidism”. Instead say “the hypothyroidism”.

Also, don’t let it define you and don’t make it part of your personality. I was given that advice when I started getting addicted to the Facebooks forums.

Ok I will help you out. You wrote.

Just don't expect to keep that partner if you're selfish.

the op is being incredibly selfish.

HTH

Ask him in general does he care about your feelings and making you feel loved. If he does then say these an are some free and easy things you can do to help. Then ask him what you can do too.

Perhaps listen to the audio book of men are from mars women are from Venus together.

If it was someone I loved I would cuddle them and sympathize

How do you know op ignores? Op may be lovely and kind to him
About them?

My husband is normally attentive and caring but he will occasionally get annoyed with me when I am talking about how I am feeling. there are more and more of these moments where it seems he wants me to not bother him.

You keep changing your story.

You've been told, multiple times since Thursday, that you need to readjust how you act and seek out other support. You've not listened to any of that and you're still pressing on, which I think gives a pretty good indication of how you act outside of this scenario.

If you Google the name of your condition and 'forums' you will no doubt find some good online support groups.

Honestly they can be really good and it can be nice to have people who can understand first hand how you're feeling and offer advice. There's always a lot of seasoned sufferers on them and they're fab at passing on what they've found can help or make it worse. It gives you a little advantage to start the work from their trial and error findings.

You should give it a go and see if it helps.

Healthunlocked thyroid and Thyroid Patient Advocacy UK TPA UK all good sources to research and get advice on thyroid issues.
Some people ( men) feel like if they can’t solve the problem then there’s not much they can do so might switch off, good advice on here for you op. However look at getting to the root cause of your health issues yourself, good luck.

Why do you expect him to listen to you moan constantly when you clearly don't give a toss about how it impacts him and his mental health?

Honestly, your responses are like talking to a wall - you either genuinely don't get it, or you don't care and just want everyone to listen to you complain.

If that's what you're like when you speak to your DH then I'm not surprised he doesn't want to listen to you banging on.

If it was someone I loved I would cuddle them and sympathize

At first, sure, but I'm sure after several years of hearing the same complaints, you'd get pretty sick of being a sounding board.

I know people like this, they just love to complain - and it's almost like they're not happy unless they've dragged everyone down with them. It's so draining and actually quite unpleasant, manipulative behaviour.

Of course it's awful to feel unwell all the time - I get it - I've been there with several conditions, but ultimately while my husband loves me and wants to support me, he's not my therapist or my diary, and he's not his job to constantly listen and reassure and sympathise.

Yes, he'll offer me a hug or a hot water bottle if the pain is bad, or walk the dog on my day so I can have a rest, but ultimately my health is my responsibility and if I'm struggling then it's on me to go and find support elsewhere - be that via the doctor, a therapist or online community somewhere.

I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen, even fake interest for 5 minutes

He did, but you challenged him because he looked bored..
Honestly he knows you have problems, you know you do, the progress is slow so distract yourself..try not to talk about it .

The poor man must be at the end of his tether. Do you ever ask and listen to how he's feeling? Seems like his stress is being dismissed

Genuinely and kindly. Are you even reading rhe responses? I can only assume not.

In your opinion, not mine. So why would I think it was ironic?
Logic. Try it sometime.

I note that you evaded answering the question about what part of what I was saying you disagreed with.

It's bizarre that people are still accusing OP of "moaning constantly" when she has stated it's a five minutes a few times a week, and hasn't said she moans about it, just that she talks about it.
There's a lot of projection going on in this thread. People who have experienced a constant moaner are projecting what they experienced onto the OP, based on zero evidence that she is actually doing that.
Why not express your frustrations to the source, rather than using random strangers on the internet for it?

They don't know at all. Multiple people are flat out making things up because they desperately want to be right in their claims that she complains constantly. They just ignore anything she says that does not fit with their fiction and crack on with the accusations. It's immature, logically challenged behaviour which has become pretty much standard on MN. There are many of these pile-on bullying threads. A lot of people on MN seem to get a particular charge out of being mean to people with illnesses and disabilities. They want those people to be pretty much invisible, to never inconvenience anyone in the slightest by talking about their problems. It's a manifestation of ableism. Out of sight, out of mind, because if they have to deal with it, they might feel guilty about their own lack of empathy and compassion. That's what motivates ableism.
Thus the twisting themselves into knots trying to make their prejudices fit into OP's story.

@XChrome
Yes I agree with you.
Op I'm sorry you're not getting the kindness that everyone deserves from a partner. I'm not disabled but during my pregnancy my ex was equally dismissive and mean to me and told me I should be more resilient and I don't have a hard time as I don't live in a refugee camp. Nasty bastard. My poor son having him as a father.

Op I would get some counselling to get some kindness and support and to decide if you want to stay with this mean man.

It's bizarre that people are still accusing OP of "moaning constantly" when she has stated it's a five minutes a few times a week, and hasn't said she moans about it, just that she talks about it.

Well, that sounds pretty constant to me. I wouldn't want to continuously re-hash the same issues or topic over and over again - it doesn't achieve anything.

IMO,it's also quite telling that she's not interested in how these conversations affect her husband, it's all about how it makes her feel better and he should just fake it for her benefit.

"Compassion fatigue" is a real thing - you can't expect someone to have endless patience just because you're married to them. I've been there with health issues and other problems, and while I did speak to DH occasionally, I also kept a journal, had sessions with a therapist and confided in my friends and family too.

You can't put everything on one person and expect them to never need a break.

You do understand the meaning of the word constant, yes?
It means occurring continuously, non-stop.
Five minutes a few times a week is continuous and non-stop?
Come on now.

I know about compassion fatigue. It happens when you are a caregiver who doesn't get enough rest, not when you spend five minutes a few times a week getting an update on your spouse's health condition. If her husband is getting compassion fatigue from that, it's because he didn't have much compassion to start with.
I took care of two terminally ill parents. It was exhausting, but still, I never got bored or irritated by them talking about what they were going through. I also have a disabled and mentally ill daughter. Her talking about her problems does not bore me or annoy me. That's how it is when you love somebody deeply and have a healthy level of empathy and compassion.

'Five minutes a few times a week is continuous and non-stop?'

Perhaps the op underestimates how often she wants to discuss her problems?

I can see both sides, partners should of course be supportive but we have to take responsibility for our own health too. If meds aren't sufficient then lifestyle changes such as exercise, hobbies etc may give a mental lift and help with motivation and a more positive attitude. Like many I have a medical condition that needs attention but I certainly don't talk about it few times every week even when it is challenging.

Have you tried counselling or cbt op? How old are you might it be peri/menopause related?

That's certainly possible, Gloriia, but it's equally possibly her husband just isn't a man who has much empathy.
If one disbelieves what an OP says, I see no point in even responding, because you can only fill in the blanks with bad faith arguments and fictional scenarios. Then it turns into a crazy pile-on of unfounded accusations towards the OP like this thread. I'm surprised she hasn't shut it down by now.

@XChrome I didn't actually say it was constant, I said "it sounds pretty constant to me" - meaning that if I lived with someone who wanted to have the same conversation several times a week, I'd soon get pretty sick of the endless moaning.

It didn't literally mean that OP talks about it 24-7 😉

Understood.