To expect some kindness and empathy from DH

[Tonytonitonee]

I have been feeling unwell for a while now and am on medication for thyroid issues & a couple of other things. I usually feel horrible, depressed and exhausted.
DH no longer cares. If I tell him how I am feeling he'll listen for a few minutes and then try to change the subject or tell me to go and see a doctor. We have been married for 12 years and have two children. I have been feeling unwell for a few years and have been going to the doctors but nothing seems to work, and I feel like crap.

Today, I was telling him how I was feeling and he was looked bored. I challenged his behaviour & he became defensive, telling he isn't a doctor so he can't help me. He went on to complain that he had his own problems. I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen, even fake interest for 5 minutes.
He is a present and attentive father but he is seriously lacking as a husband.

Why every day, though? You both know how shit it is. Nothing will have changed, and there's nothing he can do.

Speak to a friend sometimes instead or search for online support groups. The upside of that is that they will actually understand better through your shared lived experience.

I think there is support groups for people who suffer chronic illness, where you can all talk about it together? You do need to listen to others though.

When I was growing up, we had a neighbour who was always going on about her aches and pains at every possible opportunity. People learned to avoid her, and if they ever slipped up and made the mistake of asking "How are you?" regretted it instantly. So when I became disabled, and began to struggle with severe pain every day, I found myself thinking about that old lady, and how no one wanted to talk to her. Because of this, I have always tried my best to put on a bright smile, and say 'I'm fine thanks', even though most days I'm in absolute agony. When people find out what my life is really like, they often say, how on earth do you manage to stay so cheerful, and I tell them, that while I do have bad days, I always try and remind myself that there's ALWAYS someone worse off than I am.

Maybe this is something you could try and do OP, after all, while you may be feeling rotten, at least you're not in hospital, and don't clearly don't have a terminal diagnosis at this stage. Please don't get me wrong here, you have my every sympathy, but people, including our nearest and dearest, really don't want to hear about it all the time, and quite honestly, if you can manage to rein it in, your DH is far more likely to listen when you have a really bad day, whereas, if things continue as they are, as you've found, he just zones out. Maybe try looking for a forum that covers the sort of thing that you appear to be suffering from, so that you can have the occasional rant about how rotten it all is, but also remember, that you might have something positive to pass on too. Possibly, you could even advise new members not to constantly bombard their family with details of their condition, as they'll get fed up with hearing it over and over again, and will end up zoning out?😊

I hope you get some relief and some answers really SOON, but in the meantime, keep your chin up!🙄

Nope, and I didn't ask in order to trip up the OP or even actually get an answer on that.

I asked that the OP reflect on it and work out for themselves if the balance is appropriate, helpful etc or not.

As I say, the OP can tell us what she likes, it doesn't matter what we think. What matters is what she thinks, realises, and how she and her partner feel.

I live with chronic pain and incurable conditions that are deteriorating and will eventually kill me. It is VERY very easy to get bogged down in all that and not realise that what you think is a few minutes every few days is in fact much much more.

Or of course it is entirely possible the OP genuinely mentions it very rarely and her partner is a bit of a twunt.

Only they can actually know.

I really feel for you OP, it's horrible. I have an autoimmune disease that causes pain, makes me feel ill a lot and makes me quite immobile on bad days so I really understand how difficult it is. BUT- whether your husband is being unfair depends on how much you talk about it.

If you're talking about how bad you feel a lot, that can be really tiring. And I also think that talking about it a lot can be bad for you- I'm not saying this in a 'positive thinking can cure you' kind of way (if only!), and talking about it with someone is definitely important because it takes its toll mentally, but there's a balance. Talking about my illness excessively can make me hyper-focused on how bad I feel, and it can make me feel worse.

My DH got to a stage where he seemed quite unsympathetic, but when I was really honest with myself, I realised I was banging on about it quite a lot. We ended up having an honest conversation where I promised to make an effort not to talk about my illness so frequently, and he tried to be more supportive when I did talk about it. Now, I do tell him how I'm feeling but only when I'm feeling particularly unwell (as opposed to the day-to-day grumbles) and he responds much more sympathetically because he's not burnt out from it all. This feels better, and I must say that I'm (slightly) less bothered by my illness now that my go-to is to try and distract myself from my day-to-day symptoms instead of telling my DH about them.

I can see though that approach wouldn't work if your symptoms are constant, instead of a pattern of flares and then feeling a bit better for a while. As an alternative, do you have other supportive people you could talk to about it? I don't think you should stop talking to your DH about it altogether, but maybe try decreasing the frequency?

I'd also suggest having a proper conversation about your illness and how it's impacting your relationship to try and understand each other's perspectives better.

Sorry OP, I've just read your update. A few times a week really doesn't sound that much to me. I think you should talk to your partner, get his perspective, and try to come up with a way forward. But at a time when you're both calm. Maybe preface it with something like'I'm not wanting to continue the argument from the other day, I want us to both understand where the other is coming from and try to find a better balance' so that it doesn't descend into an argument.

And I really hope you feel better soon and get some answers

Wow fucking hell!! Really hope none of you ever get to experience the fun of a chronic illness.

Especially one like hypothyroidism which affects mainly women, so is poorly diagnosed and woefully treated for many. Yes some people manage perfectly well with their little pill every morning.

Others never feel better and spend every day feeling like they’re wading through treacle, trying different meds (I buy mine from overseas as NHS are shit). And doctors couldn’t give less of a fuck. I was never even referred to an endocrinologist, but those who have been didn’t fare much better. Hence having to take my health into my own hands. If my DP was as unsympathetic as some of you I’d rather live on my own tbh.

Thyroid affects every single cell in your body, and every function from digestion and skin renewal to liver function and the ability to effectively carry oxygen around your body can be compromised. Swallowing, hearing, breathing, thinking, remembering, regulating body temp, every fucking day for years.

But hey, it’s the husband we should feel sorry for, having to hear about it. Fucks sake.

I'm sorry that you're feeling unwell, OP.

If you're talking about the same health problems a few times each week, even if it's only for 5 mins at a time, I think your dh can be forgiven for looking a bit bored sometimes. It is boring to hear the same thing over and over again, and there isn't as if there is anything that he can do. Yes, he should be sympathetic but there is only so much that you can say in situations like this before you start feeling like you're just having the same conversation over and over again.

I don't suppose that it means he doesn't care about your illness, but he is probably weary of hearing about it, just as I'm sure that you're weary of living with it. It isn't as if he told you to shut up or something. He just didn't listen with the expression that you wanted him to have.

Honestly, I think you were unreasonable to "challenge" him for not looking sufficiently interested in something that he had probably heard a hundred times before. If it helps you to offload, find a support group as others have said. Your family should absolutely be supportive, but it will become very draining very quickly if you're expecting him to be your only outlet for what you're feeling. It isn't fair.

I often find people who don't want to hear about other people's suffering are the ones who broadcast it loudest and longest when it's them who is unwell or in pain.

I'm not sure what you're saying no to as there's nothing I disagree with in your post. Nor do I think you asked in order to trip her up.

I'm so sorry about your health problems and am in the same boat as you with chronic pain and a condition which, if I can't cure it, will eventually kill me. I have always been careful not to burden anyone with my complaints and as a result members of my own family don't really believe me. I've also been criticized for not talking about it enough. You just can't win.
My brother, otoh, does moan constantly, in quite a manipulative way even, while taking no interest in other people's troubles, and gets a ton of sympathy and care out of it. His philosophy is that if you're ill you have to be completely selfish in order to survive. I'm not going to lower myself to that kind of behaviour.

I have found the same.

I feel the same way about it. Fuck the husband and his "boredom."
I also have hypothyroidism. My doc treats it differently and more successfully than most doctors. Can I ask what meds you are on?

Is this hearing about it occasionally or every day?

A couple of things that may help here, from someone who also has crohn's. 1. it may not be the crohn's that is making him exhausted. I was the index patient for a study that showed that one of the most common medications used to treat crohn's causes ME-like fatigue in some patients (academic.oup.com/ecco-jcc/article-abstract/3/3/196/384065). If he is on 6MP or azathioprine, it may be worth talking to his doctors to see if a change in medication would be helpful. Second, MOST people with a relapsing remitting illness don't want to admit to themselves when they're flaring. The medicines to treat flares are horrible. Flares are horrible. Denial is really common, and given that there is no cure for these diseases it can feel pointless addressing a flare. I'm not saying this is rational, but it isn't atypical to doctor dodge when we're getting sicker. I really recommend having a chat with your DH when he's well to see if the two of you can come up with a strategy for deciding when to go to the doctor--because you're right, it does affect you and the rest of the family too.

I do. I now it sounds terrible, how often are they going to listen to me. I just need to vent to him. I know it sounds pretty bad but I want him to be strong enough to listen and keep listening. I know, I'm not being fair but I would 100% do it for me.

There we have it. The many posters who accused you of "endless moaning" are proven wrong, just as I thought they would be.

If my DH was complaining to me about the same thing multiple times a week for months or years on end, I would consider it to be pretty endless and would definitely be bloody fed up - especially if there was nothing I could do to solve the problem.

@Tonytonitonee if someone talked to you in the same negative way about the same problem, multiple times a week, for years, how would you feel?

Yes; it's awful suffering from a chronic illness or condition - I know, I have a few myself - but you can't expect one person to take the brunt of your complaints and upset - it's really unfair and it also makes for quite an unhealthy dynamic long term.

Yes, he's your husband and yes, he should be supportive but he's only human and it's not his job to be your permanent sounding board or therapist. If you need to vent or rant, why not try a diary or blog, or write on here about how you're feeling?

Sorry OP I know how hard it is to constantly feel ill, I've had ME/CFS for over 7 years. I make a massive effort though not to complain about my health to my husband or friends though because it absolutely wouldn't help and sympathy fatigue is very much a thing. For a while I paid for a private therapist so I had somewhere to unload all my thoughts and I could have a good rant / moan - can you do that?

5 minutes several times a week really is alot. My mum has alot of health issues and talks about them with a similar frequency to you and it really is frustrating to have her constantly bringing it up when there is nothing I can do and it's exhausting having the same conversation over and over.

Sounds like an awful situation for you all

This. I know people suffering from horrendous pain and they don't mention it Maybe OP could write in a diary or something instead, so she still gets to vent.

No you wouldn’t. As you’re also human. And people can only tolerate so much. You’re just saying that as you’ve never had to do it and know what you’re doing isn’t ok and trying to justify it.

i don’t think you’re listening to the answers, so why did you post. You know it’s not ok, but are basically posting and saying you don’t care, you want him to do it anyway,

the thing op is it’s going to get worse and worse as his empathy is now on the way out, he’s going to come to a point he can’t take anymore at all. So you need to find someone else to tell it to.

This OP. I Think hes unreasonable though. I never really complained about my illnesses too much but when i mentioned them my ex would shut off, never read a sheet of paper i printed off so he could read what the illness was. He just wanted nothing to change so i could carry on doing everything, because if he acknowledged i was ill he would have , morally, had to have stood up to the plate. Denying it was easier for him.
I hope your husband isnt like this.

Well no he’s not and the thread isn’t about you?

Can you vent it somewhere else?

Some people like to problem solve when people give them a problem. He might be this type of person, and because he has no other strategies to suggest, he doesn't know what to say.

What are you hoping to get from talking about it every day? There comes a point where it's incredibly difficult for the person listening when they've heard the same thing every day for months.

Op, sorry you feel so bad, but I am going to pick you up on this’ I want him to be strong enough to listen and keep listening…I would 100% do it for me’

I am going to assume you meant to say you would do it for him? Although may have been a Freudian slip there.

Do you bring joy to your husband?

I don’t expect an answer, but just some introspection - when you scan the past week or so , have you and your DH been able to laugh together? Have spontaneous hugs/ cuddles , while going through the day? Are you able to listen to him if he has had a bad day?

I think he has probably hit a wall.